“Everything is a spectrum. Even those the world deem to have ‘healthy’ sex drives and ‘normal’ relationships. How one person feels about sex is never going to be the exact same as how another person feels. As you’ve been noting, not everyone experiences or expresses love in the same way, either. Everything is a spectrum, even whenthe world doesn’t want to see it that way. Winslow is at a different point on the aro and ace spectrums than you are. That’s all.”
Hugo stares into my eyes for a long time. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a very, very long time, Torin. Maybe ever.”
I smile. I wish he knew how he just made my heart squeeze so violently that I think it might stop. Heisthe best thing that’s ever happened to me. Someday, I’ll be able to tell him that.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
HUGO
We’rean hour earlier than we need to be, but we’d left Torin’s apartment with a list of errands and wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to accomplish them. Apparently, we had less than we thought we did. Or they just took less time than we anticipated.
Now we’re sitting in the arena parking lot, listening to Christmas music and talking. I love these little moments. Sometimes, it surprises me that I love them as much as I do. Nothing about relationships truly sounded appealing before. Even when I imagined doing this, it felt boring.
This isn’t boring at all. Iloveeverything about this. Part of me wants hockey to be canceled so we can continue to sit here and talk. We’re not even talking about anything important, and Istillwant that.
Christmas with his family was interesting. A very strange set of events occurred, during which I got to witness as the vast chasm between Torin and his brother closed up quite a bit. Oddly enough, bonding over being gay is what did it.
It was strange because Torin says he’s always been open about being gay, so he doesn’t understand why bringing home a boyfriend created a bridge between him and his brother. I’m glad for it, though. I always find it sad when siblings don’t get along. The part that seemed to miff the entire family was that Torin’s brother is gay, too. Apparently, that hadn’t been widely known. Torin says inhindsight, there were a lot of signs that suggested as much, but again, they weren’t close. So it never came up.
Not that I think there’s any one way for families to be. I also know that in many cases, the family you create around you can be far more supportive and loving than the one you’re born into. Egon’s family is a good example of that. They’re not good people. Even Atty’s are a little… misguided, but thankfully, they seem to be coming around. At the very least, they’re making an honest effort.
I know I’m fortunate to have a close family. We might not always agree with one another’s life choices, but we always support each other. We love each other a lot. Having seen the strange subtle dysfunction in Torin’s home makes me appreciate mine all the more. It makes me aware of just how fortunate I am.
It also makes me want to give Torin a home free of all that stuff. One where he knows he’s allowed to be whoever he is authentically. He can have whatever relationships with friends and family that he chooses. Somewhere he hasallthe support and escape for his anxiety and no one gets impatient or annoyed or inconvenienced by his struggles.
It’s too soon to ask him to move in though, right? It is. I’m confident of that. Besides, what would we do with his fish tank? We’d have to get a different house. I’m not opposed to that, but I’m definitely aware that it’s far too soon.
Probably.
Winny had Dana move in after six months. I think I can wait until… ugh. It’s only been a single month since our first date when I learned I was texting Torin and not some random girl. Do I begin from there? Or can I go back further to the first time we hung out? I’m pretty sure that very first time is when things already started to change for me.
Maybe because I’d already thought of him as my friend. He wasn’t new to me even though that was the first time we officially hung out.
I looked up demisexual and demiromantic as Torin suggested I do, and I think I’m somewhere within the demisexual and graysexual range. What I found really interesting is the term caedsexual, which means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction due to, or influenced by, past trauma. This doesn’t have tobe sexual trauma—like assault or rape. It can also be moments we’ve lived through that have caused a lasting impression on how you view the world or sex.
Like watching both of my siblings become teenage parents. The ways they struggled. How my parents struggled and viewed them. How my sister insists she used protection and still ended up with an unplanned teenage pregnancy.
There’s no doubt in my mind those moments colored my relationship with sex. They terrified me so much that I am literally afraid of sex to some degree. I’m afraid of the outcome. I’m afraid of the impact it’ll have on my life. Of how there are consequences that can be out of my control—even when I do everything right.
I didn’t find a term that exactly fits me. I saw myself in a lot of them. Like mollsexual, who feels sexual desire weaklysometimes;or aceflexible who experiences it occasionally, but not necessarily regularly or in a way that makes you want to act upon it.
The reason I think I fall somewhere between gray and demi is because of how I feel with Torin. It wasn’t immediate, so I think Torin is definitely right that I fall under the demisexual flag somewhere. But the more I got to know Torin, the closer we got, the more sex stopped feeling so… blah. My interest climbs all the time. Iwanthis touch, which hardly ever happened before.
It’s not a complete change in me. It’s an awakening that’sonlyin association with Torin. Thus, the demisexual.
I found less information on aromantic identities, but when I talked to Torin about it, he says it’s an even newer conversation than asexuality is. There are less people talking about it but the conversation is picking up a little more all the time. But I imagine that I would fall under the same kinds of umbrellas, just removing the ‘sexual’ and replacing it with ‘romantic’—demiromantic and grayromantic.
I also think I have the past trauma of seeing the dumpster fires which were my brother’s marriages and my sister’s first marriage as part of the reason I have been so indifferent, and almost completely uninterested, in a romantic relationship. I’ve seen the very worst, despite my sheltered life not exposing me to most of the nasty things that happen in the world. But it doesn’t mean that the thingsI have seen and experienced second hand have had any less of a lasting impact on me.
“You’re so quiet,” Torin says. “What’re you thinking about?”
The car is off. We’re just sitting inside my arena’s car, facing the door. I’d say we were people watching, but no one has shown up yet. I shake my head. “Just thinking about the things I’ve read.”
“Do you feel better about being able to explain it if you choose to?”
I nod. “Yeah. I think I do. So much of what I read felt like it was written for me and about me. Though I knew I wasn’t broken, IknewI was just different; I even knew on a subconscious level why. I told you why I’m a virgin.”
Torin nods.
