“What I didn’t know is that there are others who are just like me. I didn’t necessarily think I was unique or special or anything. It’s just… I guess I didn’t realize howmanypeople there are who feel like I do about sex and relationships. I’ve never really felt alone, but now it feels like I have a community, even when I don’t know them.”
He leans over the console and rests his head against my shoulder. His hand on my thigh, though innocent, is enough to stir some heat in me. “It’s reassuring knowing you’re not alone, isn’t it?”
I sigh. “Yeah. I like that I understand what I’ve been trying to say. It’s still a jumbled mess in my head and I don’t think I can repeat the words quite yet until I get them in order, but they’re there. I kind of feel relieved.”
“Good. I know how difficult it can be when you don’t understand why you’re different, even when you’re not upset about that difference.”
“You’ve felt that way too?”
Torin nods. “Yep. There are definitely more gay men out in the world now than there have been in previous decades. But even so, heteronormative culture is what’s shoved down our throats. Beginning way back from children’s shows with a mom and a dad. Disney movies with the damsel in distress and Prince Charming—every gender specificity that there’s oneandthe other, even when the damsel and hero change genders. Those societal expectations that we’ve talked about—a successful life means a wife, kids, house,and career. Knowing I don’t fit into that narrative is frustrating. But there’s this misconception that gay men would like to be straight. Because it would be easier or ‘normal’ or whatever. I promise you, that’s not the case for most gay men. I’m happy to be gay. I would choose this every time.”
“You love dicks,” I tease.
Torin laughs. “I do. But to say that I wish I could be straight is basically screaming into the void that there’s something wrong with me. It gives all the assholes more power. And the truth is, I’m proud of who I am. I’m not at all ashamed of being attracted to men or having sex with men. If I could change something about myself, it wouldn’t be my sexuality. It would be my anxiety. I would choose to be gay every single time.”
“I really love that,” I tell him and rest my head against his. “I would take your anxiety away if I could. But I wouldn’t change anything else about you. I think you’re absolutely perfect. Every little, tiny thing about you is just… perfection.”
Torin sighs. “You’re biased, I think, but it means a lot to know you feel that way.”
“I am biased. But it doesn’t mean that’s not the truth. I think we’re all perfect just the way we are.” I think about that for a minute. “Okay, noteveryone. Like the murderers and those who need to start wars because someone doesn’t agree with what they believe to be the truth. But I mean…”
“I know what you mean.” He shifts in his seat and presses his lips to mine. “I agree.”
We’re quiet as the Christmas music continues its soft melody within the confines of my car. It’s low, just a backdrop to this moment. I almost wish there was snow on the ground. I miss snow for Christmas.
I don’t miss everything else that comes with snow, but I definitely miss the obvious change of seasons. If we could just have snow for a single day—Christmas day—that would be amazing.
“Have you ever seen snow?” I ask.
Torin nods. “I went to Minnesota with the team once in March. There was still snow.”
“Oof. What about during Christmas?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“I think one year, we’re going to have to go to the mountains and spend Christmas there.”
“My family will have a fit if I don’t come for the holiday.”
“They can come to us. Besides, you’re an adult now. You’re old enough to have your own family and start your own traditions. They’re going to need to understand that.”
He turns his head, kissing my shoulder. “You’re going to have to be the one to tell them that.”
Grinning, I nod. “Done. I can call them now.” I reach for my phone.
Laughing, Torin stops me. “How about you wait until the Christmas you put that plan into action.”
Sighing, I agree. “Fine.”
Over the next few minutes, we finally see other players show up and head for the door. Once I see Winny, I sigh. “I think that means it’s time.”
Torin nods. “I’ll see you after the game?”
“Nothing else I want to be doing.”
Torin smiles when he picks his head up. “Me neither.”
Hand in hand, we walk into the arena and I drop him off at his office. With a last kiss, I make my way into the locker room.
