I lean back and arrange the pillows under my head again. “Yep. That’s been my plan too.”
Caulder drops his arm and looks at me. “You’re gay?”
“I’m not sure if you thought you fell and your dick landed in my mouth, but Ididask to suck your dick, didn’t I?”
He bursts out laughing. Caulder has one of those laughs that’s consuming. Addicting. Infectious. I find myself laughing with him.
“Like you, I’ve kept my sexuality hidden from anyone having to do with hockey. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed, but I see what the ‘Gays Can Play’ guys go through, the kinds of attention they get, the added scrutiny, and I just don’t want any part of that. I like who I am. I wouldn’t change it if I had the choice. But who I am seems to be a concern for a whole lot of people since I’m gay, and I just want hockey to be the focus when they look at me. Not whether I’m a bottom or a top.”
“I know. Sometimes I feel really stupid and selfish because I understand that it’s a huge deal for kids to see they can play sports, and that their sexuality doesn’t matter. It’s not something that will hold them back in anything. They can be great too. But I just don’t want that kind of attention. I hateattention on me anyway soaddedattention just feels far too big,” Caulder says.
“I get it. As professional athletes, we already have huge expectations on us. Adding to that for any reason, especially a controversial one though it shouldn’t be, is shitty. I’m with you on that. That’s why I haven’t told anyone that has any ties to my hockey life.”
“I haven’t told anyone,” Caulder whispers. “Ever. Until just now.”
I let his words hang in the air for a minute until I realize just how big they are. He hasn’t ever told anyone.Anyone!
“I’m the first person you’ve told?” I ask, turning my head to look at him.
Caulder nods. “The only person.”
“Not even your family? Your friends?”
He takes a shuddering breath. “No. Ifanyoneknew, there’s a chance they could tell someone else. Accidently. Vindictively. Carelessly.” He shrugs. “If no one knows, then no one but me can fuck that up.”
“Why did you just tell me?”
“Because listening to you compare your mouth to a girl’s was making me cringe,” he admits, laughing. “I needed you to stop trying to make the confused straight boy comfortable.”
I laugh too. “Sorry. You were not the first confused straight boy I’ve messed around with, I can’t just walk out and go home like I usually would so I did my best to comfort you.”
“I’m touched,” he deadpans.
“Hey, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and comforting someone for any reasonisn’ta strength of mine. But again, I didn’t have the option to just let you do your thing and leave you to it when we’re stuck in the same room.”
“You’re so sweet I can’t contain myself,” he says wryly.
I chuckle.
“I’m not really an asshole,” I promise, “despite how I’m making myself out to be. If I’d have thought you were going to be a panicking straight guy, I definitely wouldn’t have kissed you, never mind doing anything else. I know I’m not cut out for the ensuing conversation, so I avoid those situations when I can. That’s all.”
“I’m not entirely convinced you didn’t have even the barest idea that I would end up panicky after,” Caulder says. “Have I given you some false idea that I’m confident and comfortable being in bed with you?”
Grinning, I roll to my side to face him. “Actually, you relaxed after a while. And since you kissed me a couple times when I backed away to give you the option, I kind of guessed you’d roll with it better.”
“I’m sorry,” Caulder mutters. “I just… I was enjoying it, and that won out over the need to put space between us again.”
“Then the pleasure’s over and the panic crashes down.”
“Exactly. Sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Caulder. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or put pressure on you.”
He rolls to his side to face me, bringing us closer. “You didn’t. Please believe me when I tell you this truly is a me thing. It was loud in my head but… it felt good and I wanted to get off.”
I have a feeling his cheeks are red as he tells me this. Trying not to let myself grin too big, I gently shove at his shoulder. “Okay then how about this—and there’s zero pressure here, Caulder. Okay? But since we’re here, forced to share a bed, and now we’re keeping each other’s secrets, if you want to fool around this weekend, I’m totally down for that.”
His inhalation is loud, and he holds his breath. I’m surprised when he nods. “Yeah, okay.”
