I wet a cloth and wipe my face, then my dick. After rinsing it, I bring it back to the bedroom and clean up the mess I made on the bed behind him. Caulder hasn’t moved. He’s still curled into a fetal position.
With another sigh, I go back into the bathroom and rinse the cloth again before bringing it back, turning the light off behind me. Crawling back onto the bed, I contemplate my options here. Let him freak out and calm down before saying anything? Is that really the best I can do?
Setting the cloth on the nightstand, I scooch down on the bed until I’m laying on my side level with his head. I can barely see his face with the way he’s curled up.
“It’s just an orgasm,” I say quietly. “You can totally pretend I’m a girl who gave it to you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, Caulder. It doesn’t mean you have to change what you think about yourself or how you identify.”
He snorts, but I’m relieved to see that he’s stopped shaking.
“Holes are holes,” I continue. “My mouth isn’t any different than a girl’s. Maybe a little bigger. Also, since I have a dick, I know how to suck one better.”
This time Caulder’s snort is accompanied by quiet laughter.
“But the principle is the same, right? Everyone has a mouth. A tongue. We can all suck when we want to.”
“Ohmigod, stop,” he says, laughing. “You’re not a fucking girl, so stop.”
“I’m just saying?—”
“I know, but I think you’ve got the wrong idea.”
Do I? What does that mean? The wrong idea about what?
With a heavy sigh, Caulder unwraps himself and rolls onto his back before I can stop him. He winces and picks up his leg.
“I cleaned up,” I comment, smirking. “Though maybe we should strip the bed in the morning and let housekeeping give us new sheets.”
He huffs quiet laughter and brings an arm over his face. I wait, not wanting to push, but definitely want to know what I have the wrong idea about.
“I’m not… freaking out because you’re a guy,” he says after a long pause. “I’m freaking out because… I—” He takes a deep breath. “I’m gay.”
I stare at his strangely illuminated shape in the light of the television. “Okay, let me see if I understand this. You’re gay and a guy sucking your dick made you freak out.”
Caulder laughs. “Yes.”
“Well… I’m not going to pretend that cleared anything up.”
“Did you know I’m gay?” he asks.
I study him for a minute before shaking my head. “No.”
“Exactly. No one does.”
“No one?”
He shakes his head and repeats in a voice just above a whisper. “No one.”
Ah. “You’re afraid that I’m going to tell someone?”
Caulder sighs again. “No. I mean, now I am. But no. I just… I’ve been careful my entire life tonotbe gay.”
“You can’t change that, man.”
He shakes his head. “No, sorry. Not what I meant. I’ve been careful not to let my sexuality be a thing. Which means, if I’m seen as straight, then it’s not a thing. Which has been my plan since I realized I was gay when I was nine. I only want to be seen as a hockey player. Not a gay hockey player. Just a hockey player.”
“I understand that.”
“Yeah?”
