‘Yes, I promise.’ Henry leaned in and kissed me once gently on the lips. ‘I’m not leaving you. Not now. You need me even if you can’t see it yet. Look at what’s just happened. The thought of leaving me made you panic.’
I felt confused. Did it?
‘I knew there was nothing serious going on between you and Blake. He can’t look after you like I can. He can’t help you like I can. You’re mine to take care of. You don’t want me to leave today, do you? You don’t want me to go home yet, do you?’
The thought of an unknown future was what made me panic but if I stayed with Henry, it would be known. That was suddenly appealing in this moment. I might sometimes feel lonely, but I wouldn’t be alone. Maybe that was enough. I felt myself shake my head.
Henry beamed. ‘That’s the right decision, Daisy. I’ll find somewhere in Birchbrook to stay for a couple of days. We can talk about things more, then you can come back home with me. Everything will be okay now I’m here with you. We belong together. I’ll be patient until you realise it too.’
I looked into his eyes. I was shaky and scared, but knowing I had someone who wanted to look after me helped. That’s what Henry had done from the start. He’d taken away the ache of loneliness in my heart that had been there since my parents had passed away. Panic that I would be alone forever. That life would always seem dark.
Fear washed over me at the thought of letting that anchor go. I would be adrift if I did. Like a boat lost at sea. I had been lost for so long. What if I never found my way home?
‘You need me,’ Henry said, firmly then.
And in that weak moment, despite the fact I hated myself for it, I agreed with him. ‘Okay,’ I said. Because it was easier to let him stay. To keep him close. To not finish things between us. I took the coward’s way out again. I couldn’t tell him to leave me for good. Even though there was that whisper again deep down in my heart that told me I would be ultimately happier if I did.
I pushed the whisper away.
Henry smiled. ‘That’s my Daisy.’
What had I done?
16
Blake found me later that evening as I was walking Maple around the farm. Once Henry had left to book into the Birchbrook Arms, I’d asked Willow to let me take her dog out with me, wanting the company and needing the fresh evening air to help revive me. I felt strange after the panic I’d experienced in my room, like my body had been put through the wringer. I was tired but also wired. I hoped the walk would calm me down enough so I’d be able to sleep but I kept replaying what had happened over and over, the beautiful farm scenery not able to banish my turbulent thoughts.
‘Mind if I come along? I could use the company,’ Blake said as he fell into step with me.
‘I don’t think I’ll be very good company, but sure,’ I replied. I watched as Maple tore across the farm, looking joyful in a way that I wish humans could.
‘I’m all talked out from earlier, so same,’ Blake replied.
We walked for a couple of minutes in silence. We headed towards the strawberry fields without discussing it. I thought about all the props I’d bought earlier with Willow – that felt like such a long time ago. We hadn’t even got them out of her car before Henry and Sarah turned up and the whole day turned into something completely different to how it had begun.
‘Henry is staying in town,’ I said, finally able to say something. I looked up at the sky, which was turning a dusty pink as the sun slipped down below the horizon. Out here, it felt like the sky went on forever. I couldn’t see an end to it. It made me feel small. A tiny piece in the universe. Somehow, that made me feel a bit better, though. Problems seemed so large sometimes but really they, and we, were all so small. ‘I couldn’t tell him to go,’ I admitted as I looked across at Blake, his face lit up by the golden hour in a way that made him look even more handsome. ‘I’m scared to let go. Is that pathetic?’
‘No, Daisy. It’s hard. Sarah cheated on me but we have the app together; I feel like I can’t just tell her to go away for good. But at least she’s given me some breathing space now.’
‘I don’t know what happened with Henry. I’m confused. He didn’t even want to entertain the idea of us,’ I said, pointing between me and Blake.
‘Sarah thought I was with you to punish her. Maybe that’s why I told the lie. To get her back for what she did? I don’t know.’ Blake sighed. ‘Shall I tell her the truth? I mean, if you want to get back with Henry then we can’t keep pretending we’re seeing each other, can we?’
‘I don’t want to get back with him,’ I said quickly. ‘I’m just finding it hard to think about what the future looks like without him.’ I hated what I was saying. What if I ended up spending my life with someone just to avoid being alone? I’d never feel that kind of love that my mum had talked about having with my dad. Or that Willow seemed to have with Dylan. Or what my uncle had had with my aunt. ‘Am I weak, Blake?’ I blurted out. ‘The thought of Henry going, of being alone, made me panic and I just…’ I gulped in the fresh air quickly, scared of what happened earlier happening again.
Blake stopped walking so I did too. He faced me and touched my shoulder just once. ‘I don’t know you well, Daisy. At all even. But someone who walks away from something that wasn’t making them happy isn’t weak, okay? You are strong. I can see that. Everything is up in the air for you right now. For both of us. But you can follow your heart, and it will lead you right. I believe that.’
‘And you?’ I asked him softly. ‘Will yours lead you right too?’
‘I hope so. I want to stay for the two weeks I planned to here. And then I’ll see how I feel.’
‘That’s a good plan. I need a plan.’
‘Maybe if you can’t let him go, Henry is your future.’ Blake avoided my eyes and said Henry’s name tightly.
‘You think that would be a mistake, though?’
‘I didn’t like the way he talked to you, or acted with you, no,’ Blake said carefully. ‘I just hope that whatever decisions you make, they are your choices, Daisy.’
