‘Me too,’ I whispered.
Maple barked, looking back at us like we were ruining her vibe. We continued to walk after her.
‘If I do leave Sarah, I have no idea what we’d do with our business. And you work with Henry’s dad, you said?’ Blake asked after a minute.
‘Yes, I’m his PA. I never planned to have an office job, or to be someone’s assistant,’ I confided as we passed the strawberry crops rapidly springing up, the fruit growing and ripening before our very eyes. It was amazing to think Willow had planted all this as seeds and soon people would be picking them and taking them home to have with yogurt or whipped cream.
‘What did you want to be when you were younger?’ Blake asked.
I smiled as I remembered. ‘A florist. My mum was a florist. She had a flower shop in the village we lived in. It wasn’t a million miles from here. That’s why I spent so much time with Willow growing up. God, Mum loved flowers. She knew the history, and the meaning of them all. Hence my name.’ My smile faded. ‘She wanted us to work together one day. I thought that’s what would happen. But when she died, the shop was sold and I never could bring myself to do it without her.’
‘Do you enjoy the office work?’
The question took me off guard. Neither Henry nor his father, nor anyone actually, over the past five years had asked me that. I shook my head. ‘No, not really. I’m good at it but I don’t enjoy it. It’s just work.’ I shrugged, wondering how many people really enjoyed their jobs. I knew Willow did but the farm was a vocation, a way of life, for her. It was different.
‘That’s a shame. I know how you feel, though. I never quite got into my stride working with Sarah. Maybe I will; it’s early days. I mean, if we carry on. But I always thought I’d work with my father.’
‘In the antiques shop?’ I asked, wondering if he realised that his eyes had lit up from just mentioning it.
Blake nodded. ‘My dad is so passionate about it, it rubbed off on me and I liked helping him out when I was younger and then after university, I sort of looked for other jobs but I enjoyed working with him too much to pursue them. He was upset when I left to work with Sarah, although he tried not to show it. My sister, on the other hand, was furious with me.’
‘She doesn’t work there too?’
‘No. She and her husband run a riding school, hence why they have my horse right now. They have two kids so they are super busy. They still live in my family home with my dad, though, so they help him when he needs it. I feel far away from them even though geographically here on the farm, I’m really not.’
‘You didn’t want to stay with them after what happened with Sarah?’
‘I upset them so much a year ago when I left them to be with Sarah. I’m not sure they want to see me. We speak on the phone sometimes but it hasn’t been the same since. I don’t know what to do.’
‘They are your family, you don’t want to lose them; believe me, I know,’ I said softly.
‘I’m sorry, Daisy; that must sound terrible when you have lost so much.’
‘Families are tricky, I get that, but just don’t do something you might regret one day.’
‘You must miss your parents so much,’ Blake said.
‘I’ll never be the same,’ I said simply.
He nodded. ‘Of course not.’
‘Don’t be too proud to go home, Blake. Yes, maybe it was a mistake with Sarah – you’re not sure yet about that – but either way, you need them. And they need you.’ He had no idea how lucky he was that they were out there for him to go home to if he wanted. I could never go home again. I was so grateful to my uncle and cousin right now but this had never been my home. I had no idea where I belonged any more.
‘You’re right. I’m being a coward avoiding them. I have been for the past year. It’s been easier not to go home, especially as Sarah was never keen on visiting them after that first time.’ He sighed. ‘What if they were right about us? I have been careful and cautious my whole life; for once, I took a chance with my heart. Now I feel like I shouldn’t take chances ever again.’
‘Well, you can’t think that way,’ I said. ‘If this doesn’t end up working out then at least you tried, you went for it and followed your heart. You shouldn’t feel bad about that at all. So many people don’t take any chances in life and regret it. I wish I was more like you. I used to be but I don’t think I can be now.’ I once was fearless; now I tried to play it safe. To avoid what had happened to my parents happening to me maybe. They’d lived life to the full. But their lives had been cut short. Maybe I thought living smaller would mean living longer.
‘Are you happy with the woman you are now?’
Blake’s question hung between us for a long time as we turned back towards the farmhouse. The sun had faded fully now and the sky was turning darker by the minute. I could see the stars starting to show up. I found the North star, glowing brighter than the others, and remembered something my dad had told me once.
See that star, Daisy? That one used to guide people home. We’ve forgotten to let the stars guide us nowadays. But it can still give you hope in dark times. If you find that star in the sky, you will know that you can find your way back home.
I willed it to guide me home.
‘No, Blake, I’m not. But I’m not sure how to change who I am.’
‘Maybe it’s not about changing who you are. But accepting it. And knowing that even if you are different to who you used to be, you still love yourself.’ He sighed. ‘I’m working on that too.’
