“Nah, it’s not that,” he mumbled, then turned on his back.
“Thinking about earlier?”
“Yeah.” They were lying so close, Lulu’s arm brushing up against his, the fine hairs covering Lulu’s arm as they stood to attention so featherlight against Xavi’s own marred skin. He could feel the heat emanating from Lulu’s body as it spread to his own. Lulu’s scent hung in the air, too, like a heavy yet comforting cloud, caressing his skin like Lulu’s lips and fingers had earlier tonight.
“What are you thinking?” A rare vulnerability seemed to color Lulu’s voice. Xavi’s chest squeezed.What was he thinking? What. Was. He. Thinking?If only he knew. If only he could make sense of it all. “Tell me,” Lulu insisted as his hand found Xavi’s blindly in the dark and he tangled their fingers together, his skin so warm and smooth against Xavi’s.
“It didn’t feel like a trial earlier,” Xavi finally admitted, and a small shiver moved through Lulu’s body.
“It wasn’t. It was real,” Lulu whispered. “As real as you and I are real.”
“Lulu…” Fuck, here Lulu went again, showing a side of him that scared Xavi shitless. Because he could handle Lulu when he was being loud, obnoxious, and messy. When he was joking and taking the piss. When he was his usual colorful, flirty, over-the-fucking-top Lulu. He could handle him like that. But he couldn’t handle him when he was like this. Like an open book, so honest and unguarded.
“Okay, full transparency?” Lulu shifted next to him.
“Sure.” Xavi wasn’t sure he wanted it, but he might as well dive in, headfirst.
Lulu sucked in a deep breath, mumbling something indecipherable. Then he exhaled. “I think you’re not only the hottest fucking guy to have ever walked this earth, but I think you’re beautiful in every way that counts. And I’ve wanted you for as long as I knew what it felt like to be a man wanting another man. That’s it. That’s the truth, Xavi. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the truth. It’s what you do with it that matters.” Lulu paused for a second, his voice shaking when he spoke again. “You own me,oso. Every part of me.Para siempre.”Always.
“You don’t know what you’re saying”. Xavi sat up, rubbing his hands back and forth along his buzzed head. “You don’t.”
“I do. Don’t say I don’t.”
“Is this… Is this some third-of-your-life crisis because Joe is getting married? Is it? Because I don’t want to be your fucking plan B, your fucking fallback guy.”
“Fallback guy? My fucking fallback guy?” Lulu whisper-yelled as he flew from the bed. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Xavi could make out the outline of Lulu’s body as he stood there in the near darkness in the middle of the small bedroom. He was angry. Xavi could tell from the way he was standing—his stance wide, his fists clenched against his sides, his chest heaving.
“Lu—”
“I tell you I want you, that I’ve always wanted you, and you give me this… this bullshit.” Lulu started pacing the room, tugging at his hair, an air of hurt and anger surrounding him. Xavi got up too, slowly getting out of bed. He didn’t know if he should go to Lulu or if he should stay back and let Lulu ride out his anger and calm down. In the end, he decided to stand back and give Lulu some space, although Xavi’s body was screaming at him to go to him—just fucking go to him—and his arms were itching to hold Lulu, letting his body convey all the words he was too cowardly to say.
Eventually, Lulu stopped in front of the window, staring out into the night, and just when Xavi was about to go to him after all, he said, “I want you in ways that will not just blow your fucking mind but that blow mine too. I’ve never felt this… this raw pull toward anyone else. Never. When we… Shit, tonight, when we kissed, whenyou made me come. It was like we fucking rearranged all the stars in the sky. I felt it. Don’t say you didn’t feel it too.”
Shit, what did you say to something like that? What could he say? Of course, Xavi had felt it too. Of course he had. But that didn’t mean he believed it, believed his own body, believed Lulu’s words. It was fucking dangerous to believe something like that. It could shatter everything he’d fought so hard to build.
“I’m sorry, okay?” He held out his arms apologetically, staring at Lulu’s back. Xavi wished Lulu would turn around, that he’d look at him through the next part. “It’s just very hard for me to believe that.”
In a flash, Lulu was right up in his face, his body pulsing with anger. Seething through his teeth, he spat, “Well, that’s ayouproblem,mano.” Digging his index finger into Xavi’s chest, he repeated his words, nearly stabbing them into Xavi’s chest. “That’s a fuckingyouproblem. That hasalwaysbeen your problem. You think you’re not good enough. That you don’t deserve happiness. That you don’t deserve to be loved… You hide away in your books, reading about other people’s happily ever afters, but you don’t really believe in them, do you? At least not for yourself…” Lulu trailed off, chuckling bitterly. “Shit,oso, I’d worship the fuck out of you if only you’d let me.” He shook his head, mouthing something under his breath, his shoulders slumped. “You never will, though, will you?”
“Lulu…”
“It’s what your book is about, isn’t it?” Lulu’s voice suddenly sobered, morphing into a soft whisper. “That’s what it means, isn’t it? ‘the loneliest hour.’”
“Yes,” Xavi rasped. He could’ve lied, of course, but somehow that would feel like a betrayal at this point, not only to Lulu but to himself, too.
“Tell me,” Lulu breathed, moving closer. “Please. What’sthe loneliest hour?”
“It’s… It’s right after you go home with him instead of me.” There. He’d said it. Now it was out there for Lulu to do with what he wanted.
“Him?”
“Him. Everyone. It doesn’t matter. Anyone who isn’t me.” The truth sounded so simple, pathetic almost. That was Xavi’s truth in a nutshell. Anyone who wasn’t him.
“I only go home with them because you never ask me to come home with you. Because you won’t ever ask me.” Lulu sounded so sad, like it was a truth he’d carried around with him like a burden for way too long. How could he have been so blind, so clueless?
“I never knew you wanted me to.”
“I’ve always wanted you to,oso.”
