“So if I asked you now, would you come?”
“I’d come.”
Xavi nodded, the words settling inside him. He didn’t believe him. No, that wasn’t it. He couldn’tallowhimself to believe them. Lulu must’ve realized it, too, because he continued, “And still you won’t, will you, Xavi? And you never will.”
“Because I’m fucking broken, okay?!” The words came out way harsher than Xavi had intended, but Lulu didn’t waver, not one bit. Before Xavi could say what he really wanted to say, that he not only felt broken but unworthy too, and that he was the one who should’ve died that night and not his wonderfully vibrant and strong father, Lulu was right up in his face again.
“Then do something about it! Don’t just go through life like this.” His voice tilted, then turned tender, hurt. “Please,oso. If not for yourself, then for me. It’s hard to love a man who thinks he’s unlovable.”
Xavi sucked in a breath, but there was no air. None at all.Love.Stumbling blindly toward the bed, Xavi only just made it before something slammed against his chest, like a massive wave. No, not like a wave. Like a solid brick wall. It felt like he’d been hit by a brick wall, and that he was now searching for cracks in the bricks to breathe through. But it was solid, impenetrable, and Xavi’s lungs clenched around nothing. Squeezing his T-shirt, he first rubbed at his chest, then pounded it with his fist. Then Lulu was right next to him, his lips moving rapidly, his eyes brimming with concern. The room zeroed in on Xavi as he struggled for that one breath of air that kept eluding him. Lulu braced his hands on Xavi’s shoulders, shaking him carefully, and Xavi felt his words rather than heard them as they hit him like puffs of air.
“Breathe, Xavi. Breathe for me,mano.” Xavi shook his head. The world was suddenly too big, too loud, a wild rush in his ears, his heart pounding in his throat.
“I can’t,” he croaked, and it really did feel like he couldn’t. It felt like he was falling, crashing, dying. Then Lulu’s hands were framing his face, his thumbs brushing along Xavi’s jawline, and all Xavi could think about was focusing on the feel of Lulu stroking him.Just focus on Lulu.
“You can,” Lulu assured him. “You just think you can’t. But you can. I’m here. I’m always here. Now, breathe for me,oso.”
Nodding through a wave of nausea and what felt like thousands of sharp needles digging into his heart all at once, Xavi breathed through his nose, shallow inhales at first, his lungs still working against him. “Don’t go,” he begged.
“Never.” Lulu leaned in and rested his forehead against Xavi’s, his one hand remaining cradled around Xavi’s jaw while the other slid to Xavi’s chest, where he placed it on top of Xavi’s hand, which was still clutching his T-shirt like it was the last straw in the world.
“Lulu.”
“I’m here. Don’t worry. Just breathe,mano. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
He wasn’t. Lulu’s words had hit something he’d buried deep inside. He hadn’t been okay since that night when the flames took everything from him.
“I’m not,” he rasped. “I’m not okay,cisne.” His eyes burned along with his throat, and before he knew it, fat tears spilled from his eyes and ran down his cheeks.
“But you will be.Te prometo. You will be.”
I promise you.As much as Xavi knew it was beyond Lulu’s control, and that Lulu couldn’t promise him that, there was a strange comfort to his words. Because they meant Xavi wasn’t alone in this feeling anymore. Lulu was right there with him. Perhaps he had been all along, but Xavi hadn’t been ready to let Lulu see him. See all of him.
“I felt it, too,” he admitted, and air blasted through his lungs, and while the fear was still there, lingering in the background, it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been mere seconds ago. It no longer felt like he was dying. “It felt real.Ifelt real,” he cried.
Lulu nodded, then wrapped his arms around him, cradling him against his neck.
“You are. Youarereal. And you arenotbroken. You’re not. You’remine, Xavi, and I’ll fucking tell you every day if I have to. If you ever feel broken, I’m here. I’ll put you back together piece by piece myself if it’s the last thing I do. Until you feel whole again.Te prometo.”
And when Lulu held him like this, protecting him not only from the world but from the voices inside his head, too, from all his ghosts, then Xavi wanted nothing more than to believe him. And something told him he should. That if he didn’t, he’d come to regret it more than anything. So as the words moved through him, pushing toward the surface like an unstoppable force, Xavi decided to give in. To just give in.
“I believe you,” he whispered against Lulu’s neck, and Lulu answered with a sigh.
Chapter Eighteen
Lulu
Asmall part of Lulu had feared Xavi would wake with regret in his eyes, making up some excuse that they’d both been too emotionally drained, too raw, too tired last night, and that they hadn’t meant what they’d said. So it was with his breath held that Lulu got out of bed and tiptoed into the ensuite bathroom, where Xavi was already brushing his teeth. Because of course, Xavi was already up. He’d sprung from the bed the minute his alarm had gone off at the ass-crack of dawn, while Lulu had just buried his head under the pillow and pretended he hadn’t heard it. But it had been impossible to go back to sleep, with last night so vivid in his mind, that he was wide awake within seconds.
“Buenas.” Xavi smiled at him in that crooked, careful way of his, toothpaste dripping down his chin, and Lulu’s mind immediately strayed to all sorts of dirty places, something else trailing down Xavi’s chin, mingling with his morning scruff.
“Buenas.” Lulu returned the smile, digging his teeth into his bottom lip to silence anything flirty he was about to blurt. Xavi’s cheeks instantly pinkened as his finger-thick, near-black brows lifted into a silent question, the same question that was burning inside Lulu.Where do we go from here? What happens now? Are we really doing this?
“Sleep okay?” Xavi tilted his head, the toothbrush buried in his mouth, his generous lips so fucking inviting even with saliva and foam covering them.Especiallywith saliva and foam covering them.
Lulu nodded, leaning his hip against the sink, for the first time in his life at a loss for words and strangely modest, too aware of his morning hard-on tenting his sleep shorts.
“Good,” Xavi mumbled around the toothbrush, the corner of his mouth lifting into a shy grin, that damn dimple popping, causing Lulu’s heart topop-pop-popright along with it. Reaching for Lulu’s toothbrush, where he’d placed it in a glass thenight before, Xavi turned on the faucet and wetted it. With nimble fingers, he then grabbed the toothpaste and distributed some on the toothbrush, then handed it to a stunned Lulu. “Here you go.”
