“Yes,” Lulu gasped into Xavi’s mouth as he felt Xavi’s grip tightening around his throat, a subtle reminder that Xavi held his life in his hands, always had since that day in the library. “Yes,” he repeated, thrusting his pelvis against Xavi’s hard-on.Yes.
Then, before he knew it, the hold around his neck loosened, and Xavi’s tongue left his mouth. Lulu missed him instantly when Xavi took a step back from him, his eyes wild, a mixture of explosive passion and immense regret pooling in his eyes. Xavi’s bottom lip trembled, glistening with their combined saliva, the pink so lush, so vibrant, so filled with heat, as their kiss had just been. Taking another step backward, Xavi shook his head in disbelief.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,” he croaked, then turned on his heel and rushed toward the door. Throwing it open, it slammed against the wall, the loudcrash drowning out Xavi’s repeated “I’m sorry.” Then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
For someone who didn’t smoke, Xavi sure was doing a great job. Well, he smoked, but only when they went to that small Puerto Rican jazz club downtown and he’d had a fewCanchancharas. Now, as he leaned against the railing of the hotel swimming pool, Xavi was on his third cigarette, the orange-red light glowing in the dark with every inhale, blue smoke curling toward the sky with every exhale.
Lulu brushed his fingers along his lips. They still tingled with the phantom feel of Xavi’s pressed against them, his taste still lingering on Lulu’s tongue, the outline of Xavi’s hard-on forever imprinted on Lulu’s body. That kiss had been the best of his life, and Lulu had been kissed hundreds of times, mostly by nameless, faceless guys in a sweaty club, some leading to groping, humping, and occasionally fucking. But never had a kiss felt like this, leaving him rattled and starving for more. Now that he’d had a taste of Xavi, dipped his toe into this fountain of pure passion, he craved more. He wanted to dive face-first into this bottomless ocean of need, be consumed by it, and just drown in his desire for his best friend.
He knew he had to go slow, though. Baby steps, Lulu reminded himself. Xavi had looked anything but sold on the idea as he’d bolted out the door, and from the angry way he was currently stomping his cigarette under his boot, he was still shaken by their kiss. Which Xavi had initiated. Xavi had kissedhim.
Glaring around the dark, empty pool area, Xavi kicked at something invisible, his lips moving. Lulu couldn’t make out what he was saying, but it probably involved Lulu’s name and a string of curse words, most likely in Spanish. Rubbing his face in his hands, Xavi’s shoulders slumped, and he looked defeated.
“Just surrender to me,oso,” Lulu whispered against the window. “You know you want to.” Squeezing his eyes closed, he leaned his forehead against the cool glass in an attempt to still his heart. After a while, the door sounded behind him, followed by hesitant steps whispering across the carpet. He didn’t dare open his eyes, afraidof what he would see in Xavi’s eyes if he turned around. Afraid that the spell would be broken, and he’d lose everything in one terrifying moment. Because for Lulu, there was no going back.
“Okay.” Xavi’s breath kissed the back of Lulu’s neck, coaxing all the small hairs to rise to attention. “So what if you’rehim?”
At first, Lulu wasn’t sure he’d heard Xavi correctly. His brain felt like it was made of cotton, the echo of Xavi’s words muffled.So what if you’rehim?Inhaling deeply, Lulu turned around, his eyes connecting with Xavi’s, where he found confusion and fear pooled in the familiar brown.
“What if I wanna behim?” Lulu whispered, and it felt like the earth stood still while he waited for Xavi’s reply.
“Lulu,” Xavi rasped, shaking his head slowly, light and shadow dancing across his beautiful features.
“I mean it. Maybe I wanna behim.”
“Lulu, don’t ask for something you’re not ready for.” Xavi’s voice came out strained, his entire body pulsing with agitation, yet Lulu sensed something else, too. A newfound vulnerability in his best friend’s voice, like a barely there undercurrent trying to break through to the surface. If only Xavi would allow himself to be vulnerable for once, to bare himself to Lulu. “Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it,” Xavi continued, and it sounded like he was mostly talking to himself. “It’s two very different things.”
“I know it’s different,” Lulu swallowed. “But this is not just some spur-of-the-moment, spontaneous idea. What if I truly want to behim? What if I’ve been wanting to be for a long time?” He could have saidforever, because that would’ve been true, but he had a feeling they were already walking a tightrope as it was. Xavi looked like he could turn around on his heel any second and run away, into the darkness, disappearing forever.
“Shit,” Xavi eventually groaned, burying his face in his large hands, mumbling something indecipherable into his palms.
“What?” Lulu chuckled, reaching out, his fingertips brushing against the back of Xavi’s hand, across the scarred knuckles and the bumpy skin. “What?” Lulu repeated, wrapping his fingers around Xavi’s hand, slowly pulling it away from his face. Xavi’s eyes were squeezed tight, like he was fighting damn hard to wake up from a bad dream or keep reality at bay.
“Look at me,” Lulu beckoned. “Just look at me,oso.” He reached for Xavi’s other hand, tugging it away from his face. “Please.” Xavi shook his head like a stubborn child, and it was just so fucking adorable that Lulu’s chest bubbled over, and a laugh burst from his lips.
“This isn’t fucking funny,” Xavi gritted, peeking at Lulu from between thick, dark lashes.
“I know,” Lulu said solemnly, before a snort escaped him and he had to give in to laughter again.
“Stop fucking laughing then.”
“I can’t,” Lulu laughed even harder. “You’re just so fucking cute when you’re all growly,oso. Like a big bear that was awakened too prematurely from hibernation.” Tears pressed behind Lulu’s eyes as wave after wave of laughter swept through him, making him light and free.
Xavi grimaced, a barely there smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Are you done?” he rasped. “Can we be serious for a minute?”
Lulu nodded eagerly, his curls tumbling into his eyes.
“Yes.” He forced his voice into a serious note, but it was all in vain; one look at Xavi’s grumpy, handsome face and he was soon howling with laughter again.
“Coño! You’re gonna be the fucking end of me.”
“Sorry.” Lulu wiped at his eyes. “I’ll stop now,” he said, before he was carried away by another wave of laughter. “Shit,hermano, you should see your face right now,” he wheezed. “You look just about ready to kill me.”
“I am.” Xavi frowned. “If I could get away with it, I would.” Xavi smiled carefully, and it looked like it was almost painful, that frown still digging into the space between his black eyebrows. There was a softness building in his eyes, though, and something that looked an awful lot like surrender. “En serio, Lulu. Can we be serious for a moment?”
Lulu slowly sobered. Perhaps it was the sound of his name on Xavi’s lips or the hidden plea in his voice. Swallowing, he nodded. “Yes.” Then, inhaling deeply, looking Xavi straight in the eye, he said, “But be real with me.” Xavi nodded slowly, then turned and walked toward the bed, sitting down, resting his lower arms against his knees.
“There isn’t just one answer to your question, Lulu,” Xavi spoke quietly. “It would be so fucking easy if there was,” he chuckled bitterly, staring holes into the carpet again.
