“Oh, you work just fine, kid.” Finn could tell that there was a smile in Hank’s words. A fondness. “There ain’t nothin’ wrong with you.” There was a finality to Hank’s words. A don’t-argue-with-me-kid. A that’s-the-way-it-is-and-that’s-that.
“There’s not?” Fuck, he knew he was being needy, but since this was the last chance he got to be with Hank, he was going to lap up all the nice words, all thekidsandgood boys. Like charging your batteries before a long journey. Or drinking gallons of water before a strenuous trek in the desert. Only, it would never be enough, would it? He would never overdose on Hank and his unwavering presence.
“Of course not, kid.” Hank pulled him back against his chest, placing his heavy palm on top of Finn’s head, his thick fingers digging into his scalp. A deep exhale left Hank’s chest, Finnmelting against the valley between his pecs. “You’re such a good boy, Finn. I wish you could see that. You’re sweet and kind. Funny. Jesus, you’re funny as hell,” Hank laughed. “Always put a smile on my face.” He could feel Hank’s lips curl. He didn’t have to see his face to know that he was, in fact, smiling, the prominent crow’s feet around his hazel eyes crinkling across his skin.
“Yeah?” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, his eyes stinging at the generosity of Hank’s words.
“Yeah. You’re beautiful, too. Heck, I think you’re just about the prettiest boy I ever saw.” Fuck, he loved when Hank called himboy. It made him feel treasured. Wanted. How the fuck was he gonna survive without his daily dose of Hank?
“Not as beautiful as Eugene, Hank.”
“Beautiful in different ways,” Hank said, that wistfulness back in his deep voice that only ever came out when they spoke of Eugene. “Still beautiful, kid.” Fuck, he was even going to miss thekid. It was his, that fucking word. His and his alone.
“You’re beautiful, too, Hank,” he mumbled drowsily against Hank’s skin, tiredness starting to catch up with him, his mind fighting to stay awake. If he could just suspend time. Just for tonight. “So fucking hot,” he slurred. Hank’s chest vibrated beneath him as his chuckle filled the darkness. “Now, please Hank, can we just fuck? For old times’ sake?”
“Absolutely not,” Hank laughed. “Now, go to sleep, Finn. Go to sleep. I’m here.” And weren’t that just the saddest words ever spoken? Because as of tomorrow, he would never again hear those words from Hank’s lips. “I’m here.”I’m here.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hank
Now
“You got everythin’?” he spoke over Finn’s shoulder, zeroing in on that guy Lulu, who was doing what appeared to be some pre-road trip stretches next to the aquamarine-colored car. Some sort of upbeat dance music blasted from inside their FIAT, Xavi tapping repeatedly against the steering wheel, an indecipherable frown between his black brows that could mean anything fromI wanna kill yatoI wanna throw you over my shoulder and fuck ya.
“Yeah,” Finn nodded, shifting on his feet, the toes of his boots covered with snow. Hank had attempted several times this morning to make eye contact with Finn—allowing himself todrown just once more in those muddy-brown eyes that weren’t really muddy the more you looked at them but a beautiful blend of browns—but it was just too bloody painful. He was afraid that if he looked into Finn’s eyes—truly looked into them—he would never be able to let him go. Hell, saying no to Finn last night had been an act of Sisyphean proportions. He’d wanted nothing more than to just fuck the kid and then afterward put him over his knee and spank him for being so goddamn tempting. Then tie him to his headboard and never let him go. Damn, he would probably like that just fine, that damn incubus.Shit.
“You packed the food, too? No need to spend too much cash on the road on junk food.” He’d gotten up early this morning, making a huge lunch for Finn, adding all of Finn’s favorites. Hell, he’d even made an afternoon snack, too. Slices of apples, two oranges, and a small bag of chips.
“Yeah. Thanks, Hank,” the kid mumbled, patting the front room of his backpack. While Finn had showered this morning, Hank had gathered the model planes and snuck them into Finn’s worn backpack, placing them at the very bottom under Finn’s few belongings and items of clothes. They were Finn’s now anyway, just like other parts that he didn’t dare put into words.
Turning toward Finn, he reached out his hands and fastened the red scarf tightly around his neck. He felt Finn’s gaze on him, willing him to look up. Patting the front of Finn’s parka, he nodded as if he was now ready to let him go.Right.Looking up, his gaze connected with Finn’s. As heartbreaking as it had been to let go of Eugene that day in March seven years ago, it felt near impossible to say goodbye to Finn. Because saying goodbye to Eugene had been permanent. The end of the road. Everything had been said and done, nothing unspoken or unsettled. As hard as it had been letting Eugene go, it had been time. It had been the only thing hecoulddo. Be strong for Eugene, not making his imminent departure from this world even harder. But theknowledge that Finn would be out there—anywhere buthere—living and breathing and going about his life, a life that didn’t include him, was just…wrong.
Finn’s eyes glowed in the morning sun. After the storm had passed, the days had been beautiful, the sky a clear blue, frost hanging to the pine trees every morning. Biting his bottom lip, Finn shrugged, the moths fluttering indecisively. Licking his lips, he seemed to hesitate, his pink chapped lips pursed into a question perhaps and Hank just about blurted,stayorI’ll drive ya. Don’t go yet. Come spring, I’ll drive ya myself. Or I’ll drive you now. Whatever you want. Whatever…
“Hank?”
“Yeah?”
“I was just—”
“Vamonos!” Lulu yelled in the background, opening the side door, looking over at the two of them.
“Fuck no!” Xavi blurted, grabbing the door from the inside. “You ain’t ridin’ shotgun. It’s too fucking early for that. Don’t need you messin’ around next to me before at least noon.”
“But—” Lulu pouted.
“No but,hermano. Or I’ll throw you in the trunk. Finn? You comin’?” Xavi looked out of the car window in their direction.
“Yeah,” Finn yelled back, an unspoken question in his eyes that would probably haunt Hank for the rest of the day. Perhaps most of the night, too, when the space next to him was once again empty and cold. Yeah, who was he kidding? It would probably haunt him forever. “What if this isn’t goodbye?” Finn bit his bottom lip as he looked directly at Hank. “Maybe I could come back sometime? Check in on you. See how you’re doing?” Hope glimmered in his brown eyes, competing with uncertainty. He looked so damn vulnerable, and Hank wanted nothing more than to sayyesorI’ll come to you.
“Yeah. Maybe,” Hank murmured half-heartedly, hating himself for being such a coward.
“Or maybe you could come visit me in Oregon? I’ll show you the whales and take you to the Air and Space Museum in Eugene.” His eyes grew bigger, a silent plea in them.
“Yeah. That’d be nice,” Hank swallowed.
“I could show you where I grew up.” The initial hopefulness was starting to give way to sadness, Finn’s shoulders slumping forward. If it wasn’t so damn hard, it would be so easy to just give in right now. To take Finn. To keep him. For himself. To saycome back to me. When you’re done with what you need to do, then come back to me.But that wasn’t right. He was too old, and the kid was just too damn…
