I motioned back to Tyler sitting on the stage behind me. “I asked Pastor Bron if I could talk to you all thismorning. I won’t take much of your time. As you know, this week has been….” I searched for something that would be adequate, but nothing came. “Quite a week. Although not the main reason I am up here. I would like to take a second to address what many of you may have read in theWeekly Planet. I know all you have is my word, and that may mean nothing to you, but I would like the chance to say it anyway. I did none of the things I was accused of in Denver. I could have fought it harder, and maybe I should have. I just didn’t have the strength for such a public battle.” I gave a little chuckle. “I guess it is ironic, considering what I am doing now.
“If you have questions about that incident, I will be more than willing to discuss those on an individual basis. For those of you who are concerned about the safety of your children, I will even give you my employer’s number, so that you may inquire of him and his thoughts of my appropriateness around children.”
I paused and found Carrie Michaels in the congregation. “The main reason I am up here today, however, is not about what I have or have not done. It is about how we should live our lives when we claim to be Christians.” I held up my hands as I heard a few start to murmur. “Please, give me a chance to speak. You may choose to ignore whatever I have to say.”
A couple of families got up and left the sanctuary, clearly appalled at the events happening in their church. It was fewer than I expected, however. “In addition to my experience over the past few days, you have lost an amazing youth pastor. I know there are many mixed feelings about this situation, and I am not here to try to persuade you one way or another. I would just remind you, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’”
As Ilooked toward Donnie and Mandy, I saw Donnie was red-faced and looking at the floor. I knew he didn’t want that attention drawn to him, but it seemed worth the price if it might somehow help him to get the youth position back.
“Moreover, I would like to talk to you about your brothers and sisters in Christ who sit among you in church this morning. I am not attempting to change your view on those who are gay. I don’t want to debate if we were born homosexual or if we chose it. I know your view, and I am sure you know mine. Here’s what I will ask of you. Please, think about what you say and how you see God.
“You almost lost one of God’s children this week because of the shame and fear that is forced upon us. A nearly wasted life. You are sorely mistaken if you believe Darwin is the only one among you.” There was a muttering again as people realized I had confirmed what they had already known about Darwin. I had talked to Carrie yesterday. She felt it would be most beneficial to get the announcement out of the way, to save people asking Darwin questions that would upset him.
“That’s all I really have to say. I don’t know if any aspect of what I have said means anything to you, but I pray it does. I’ll leave you with this question. You know Darwin, as you once knew me when I was his age. Is he evil? Was I?”
I started to leave the glass pulpit, then returned before I had gotten a foot away. “One more thing, actually. I have to apologize to you, all of you. I haven’t really given any of you the benefit of the doubt, all the while expecting you to give it to me. From the moment I moved back, I have been prepared for the worst, constantly expecting you to hate me or condemn me. Very few of you havedone so. How can I ask you to give me a chance or examine your beliefs if I don’t do the same?” Once again, I found Iris. This time, she was looking back at me. “I ask for your forgiveness. You deserved better.”
Thirty-Eight
I’dlike to say that everything changed after I addressed the church. I don’t guess I really said anything that profound. The phone calls to Maudra’s house quit after a few weeks, but I don’t think any of them were from people in the church to begin with. Donnie didn’t get his position with the youth group back, but it didn’t really seem to bother him. He was content with preparing to be a dad. He and Mandy decided to wait until after the baby was born to get married. Mandy felt that by the time they got the wedding plans together, she would be fat. Since the baby was due in July, she thought she would be back in shape in time to have a Christmas wedding.
Jed and I went to the late Sunday morning service every week, but quit going to the evening services on Sunday and Wednesday. For the most part, we quit being an oddity and people started leaving us alone. One of the few people who actually didn’t choose to pretend that Jed and I were like everyone else was Iris. While we never would become close friends, she did wave every time she saw us in church. If she saw one of us at the grocery store or somewhere around town alone, she would inquire how the other one was doing.
I felt guilty for being in the same town as my mother and not seeing her. Agnes Jenkins checked on her every day, making sure she had food and the house was clean. From her reports, Rose’s health seemed to be stable, but she thought Clayton had stopped coming over, as she never found any traces of him. I considered asking Irisif she knew anything about my mom and her brother, but decided to leave well enough alone.
The biggest challenge was an overwhelming sense of purposelessness. Not having to take care of my mother or helping with the youth group, I seemed to not do anything important. Jed and I had decided to move away in the summer. We wanted Jed to finish his semester at Cottey College and be here for the birth of Donnie’s baby. We hadn’t told anyone yet, but I dreaded Darwin’s reaction. He and I went out to lunch or dinner at least once a week. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes accompanied by Jed and Darwin’s parents. Mr. Michaels was still visibly uncomfortable, even after a couple of months, but he did a decent job of ignoring my presence, and I was impressed by how supportive of Darwin he was becoming.
Itwas a bitter, overcast April morning when Maudra woke me up again with bad news. She was sobbing and couldn’t talk; that fact alone scared me more than anything else she could have done. She handed me the phone, then went across the hall to the bathroom and shut the door. I just looked at the phone in my hand. I didn’t know who was on the other end of the line, but I knew whoever it was would change my life.
I felt Jed come up and place a large warm hand on my back. “Do you want me to get it, sweetie?”
I shook my head and put the phone to my ear. I could feel tears burning my eyes as if I knew who it was before I heard. “Hello?”
“Brooke?” His voice was so soft I could barely hear him.
“Tyler?”
“Yeah.” I heard him clear his throat. I waited several seconds, but he didn’t say anything else.
“Tyler, what is it? What’s wrong?” I felt Jed’s arm travel from my back and encircle my stomach as he pulled me into him.
“It’s Donnie, Brooke.” My face went cold and my hands started to tremble. “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but….”
“No!” I threw the phone on the bed, pushed away from Jed and ran, nearly stumbling, out of the room.
“Babe!” I heard Jed start to follow.
I was already halfway down the stairs, and I whirled to look at him. “Don’t! Leave me alone.”
A look of hurt and worry flashed across his face, but he nodded. “I’ll talk to Tyler.” I didn’t respond. I ran out of the house, got in the car. I thought I was going to drive to the Schell City wetlands, but as soon as I was in the car, I broke down. I didn’t need to hear Tyler to know. I could see it in Maudra. I could hear it in Tyler’s voice. I could feel it all around me. A void. An absence. I locked the doors and curled up as tight as I could in the driver’s seat.
Donnie was gone.
Thirty-Nine
I thoughtI had already lived through the hardest day of my life. I wasn’t sure if it was the day Adam was killed or the day Lester told me about the accusations. The fact that I hadn’t been able to narrow it down to just one should have told me the worst was yet to come.
The day was gray and icy. There had been a biting wind for days, but it was on respite at the moment. It seemed like God could have done more for Donnie’s burial than simply stop the wind. Maybe make flowers bloom through the snow around the hole his casket balanced over. Maybe have birds flying and singing overhead. Maybe realize how senseless Donnie’s death had been and raise him back to life.
