“It’s… a lot,” I finally admit.
“Define a lot.”
I laugh, short and bitter, and decide to lay out the truth of it.“You said it yourself.I lost my best friend a week ago.Now I’m trying to be a dad.”The last word comes out rough, like it doesn’t fit in my mouth yet.“I’m trying to get my footing.”
“I can’t even imagine.”He steeples his fingers.“How’s it going with Grayce and Maddie moving in?”
I blow out a breath, shaking my head.Callum knows all about my decision to honor Gray’s wishes as I’ve kept him and Coach West in the loop.No choice but to do that, really.They’ve both been texting me every day.
How’s it going?I can act like I’ve got it all handled, but inside I’m a fucking mess.“Depends on the situation,” I say neutrally.“It’s an adjustment.Maddie’s got her systems—her order, her processes.She’s got a way to fold blankets, a way to stock bottles, a way to even stack the dishwasher.”
And she doesn’t say it outright, but I can feel her waiting for me to screw it up.
“You’re not used to being managed,” Callum observes.
“Not on a micro level.”My lips twitch a bit.“Maybe you can give her some management tips.”
Callum laughs from deep in his belly.“I’m going to guess her need for control has to do with the fact her life is completely out of control.”
“That’s definitely understandable, but I don’t even know what the rules are.One wrong move and it’s like I’m in the penalty box with Maddie glaring at me.I promised Gray I’d always be there for him, and I’m doing as he wanted, but Maddie doesn’t want me involved.I think it might be a constant battle to try to be what they both need.”
He nods slowly.“Listen.You don’t have to do it alone.Lean on your Titans family because that’s what we’re here for.But if I can give a word of advice?”
I blink at him, wondering why he’s asking that.Of course I’ll take the advice.
“I think you need to discuss these worries with Maddie.She needs to know how you feel.”
Wait!What?Share my feelings?Yeah, don’t think so.“I’ll consider it.”
Callum cocks an eyebrow, clearly not believing me.“Here’s what you need to remember.Being a parent doesn’t mean erasing yourself.A good parent is present, yes, but also shows their kid what a full, joyful life looks like.If you lose yourself, what are you modeling for Grayce?”
His words ring true.And heavy.Too heavy.I shift in my seat.
“Balance,” he says firmly.“Grayce deserves your best.That includes the part of you that loves this game.The part that needs his friends.Don’t let any of this turn you into someone you’re not.”
♦
By the timeI get back down to the locker room, the energy has shifted.Music blares, sticks are being taped, guys are ribbing each other with playoff energy.I force myself not to let it bounce off the armor I have in place.I force an opening and let the giddiness of the playoffs seep into me.
I spot Kace leaning against his cubby, scrolling on his phone.
I hesitate, Maddie’s voice in my head.We’re not friends, Atlas.
Callum’s reminder not to erase myself.Balance.Titans family.
The uncertainty is gone and I head his way.“Hey man,” I say, and he looks at me.
“What’s up?”he asks.
“I’m in tonight.”
Kace grins and holds out his fist.I bump it hard.“Excellent.Like I said, first round’s on me.”
“Can’t wait.”
My decision tastes like relief.And guilt.
Both burning all the way down.
