He nods, then goes back upstairs. His bedroom door closes softly, and I head into the kitchen to look for something to eat.Nothing looks good, so I close the door and go to the bathroom to shower.
Part of me feels terrible for this whole thing, but I don’t regret what I’m doing. What I’m telling her borders the line of lying, but it’s not a full on lie and I’m definitely not cheating on her. Not even fucking close.
This is club shit. I was with Snapper. And I can’t tell her exactly what I’m doing.
I can’t tell her because it’ll upset her, but doesn’t that make a lie okay? Isn’t it okay to withhold the truth if you’re protecting someone? Probably not, but it’s what I’ll keep telling myself.
Snapper has been telling me I need to quit drawing this shit out and just kill Gunner already, but I’m having too much fun. He kept Anastacia for years. Raped her countless times. Forced her to get pregnant and have his baby.
What I’ve done to him hardly touches that. It doesn’t even come close. And I can’t stop until he knows what the fuck it’s like to suffer. He’ll never know what it’s like to be forced into having sex with someone, become pregnant, carry about their child, then birth that child. But I sure as fuck am not going easy on the guy.
Anastacia is so strong and so brave, and she says she doesn’t think about her past. But that’s hard to believe because even I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m not the one who went through it.
I don’t care that Gunner is her sperm donor. That doesn’t mean shit. I am Dorothea’s father, and I always will be. But I will feel better when he won’t be an issue anymore.
Gunner still has a long time before he dies. Club members are prepared to die for our club, but how many would go through months of torture for it? Apparently he isn’t part of the IR anymore, but he’s still in that head space. He’s already accepted death, but that’s too easy.
Gunner has laughed in my face, spit in my face, and told me he’s prepared to die all while smiling. It’s only been a couple weeks since I’ve had him, and the worst hasn’t even come yet. I’m going to break him one way or another.
I check on Dorothea and find her fast asleep in her crib. She’s been such a big girl sleeping in her room since we got back from New Hampshire. The first few nights were rough, but now that she’s sleeping longer through the night, it’s great.
I go into the bathroom to wash up, get down to my underwear and toss my dirty clothes into the laundry basket. The bedroom door is closed, and I stop in front of it. My hand lifts to the knob, but I drop it.
Is this her telling me she doesn’t want me in, or is it her asking for my attention? Does she want me to show her just how far I’ll go for her? Because it’s to the end of the earth. Nothing will stop me. Especially not this wooden fucking door.
I turn the knob, thankful when it doesn’t give resistance, and head into the dark room. I make out her form on the far edge of the bed. Typically we sleep in the middle of the bed, snuggled together. If she thinks she’s staying over there with all that space between us, she’s fucking crazy. She can be mad at me all she wants, I still love her and ain’t going to bed without her in my arms.
I slide in on my side, and go right over to her, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her against me. She breathes deeply, settling against me. Either she’s so tired she doesn’t realize what I’m doing, or she’s come to her senses.
“I love you,” I whisper, kissing her neck. “You can be mad at me all you want, Angel. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what. You’re it for me.”
I kiss her again, then close my eyes. I’m drifting into sleep when she turns in my arms, waking me up. Her hand slides up my chest, settling over my heart.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“We’re going to fight sometimes,” I say. “It’s okay.”
“I just…” She pauses. “You’re the only thing in the world I’ve ever wantedandgot.”
Emotion clogs my throat, and it’s hard to swallow.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You could not go anywhere and still do whatever you want, Grizz. That doesn’t mean you won’t cheat on me.”
“I would never,” I say firmly, holding onto her waist tighter. “I don’t care about anyone but you and our baby. You’re it for me, Anastacia. You’re the only woman I want, the only one I’ve ever wanted this with. That means something. I’m yours forever.”
“It’s a lot…”
“What is?”
“All of this. Our life. The emotions. The way I feel about you. The fear I have for our daughter…”
“You have nothing to fear.” I tip her chin up, and through the dark I make out the pain in her eyes. “I promise you that.” I kiss her perfect lips. “I will not let anything happen to you or our daughterever. You don’t have to be afraid of anything anymore.”
“I know that. In my head I know, but it’s like… my body is so used to being scared. I don’t know how to do this.”
“Well, neither do I. It’s no secret I wasn’t Mister Family-Man before I met you. This is new for me too, but we’re in this together, and I promise you with every fiber of my being that I would never disrespect you in any way, and I will never, and I mean never, be with another woman.”
