“When the next contraction comes, I need you to push down really hard, okay? Do you think you can do that?”
I know he’s talking to me, and I try to answer him. I think I do, but I’m not sure. I can’t remember. This pain is unbearable. I can’t take it anymore—I can’t! I can’t do this. How can anyone do this?
“I think you can,” he says. “You can do this.”
And then somehow, the pain gets worse. And I don’t remember a thing until there is a tiny baby in my arms.
Chapter Nineteen
Grizz
I stare down at Anastacia, ignoring the mess all over the floor and bed. There are bodily fluids everywhere, and normally this isn’t something that gets to me. I’ve killed people. I’ve spilled their guts on pavement. I’ve shot people in the face. But this is something else entirely, and that placenta or whatever the fuck it’s called is staring at me, and I kind of want to throw up.
But then the baby makes a noise, and everything around me disappears except her and Anastacia.
Her eyes are glued to her daughter, and for good reason. She is by far the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Thick dark hair and lashes. The cutest little mouth. Chubby cheeks. The tiniest fingers I’ve ever seen. And her toes? Don’t get me started on those little beans.
“Fuck, she’s beautiful,” I say.
Anastacia looks up at me, her cheeks red, head damp with sweat.
“I want to feed her,” Anastacia says, trying to sit up.
“Whoa, hold on. Let me help you. Don’t move.”
I look around at the mess and realize we cannot stay in here. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a whole new bed because, fucking hell, childbirth ismessy.
“Wait one minute,” I say as I hurry out of the room and into the guest room. I pull the blankets down, fluff up the pillows, then grab a spare blanket and lay it on the bed so we don’t ruin the mattress. Then I go back into my room. Anastacia’s eyes flick up to me, and I have never seen happiness like that in all my life. “Do you trust me?”
“With everything,” she says.
I carefully scoop her up, under the knees and under the back, cradling her and the baby against my chest, then walk them into the bedroom. It’s a good thing she had this nightgown on this morning, and all the rolling around she did had it riding all the way up so it isn’t all wet. Kelsey helped her with the underwear and pad situation, and not because I didn’t want to but because she knows more than I do and I didn’t want to fuck it up.
I lay her down on the bed, leaning up against the headboard.
“Can you help me get this off?” she asks, tugging at the nightgown. “Actually, would you mind holding her, so I c—”
“Holding her?” I blurt.
Anastacia smiles. “Yes, Grizz. Can you hold her?”
“I, uh…” I shake my head. “No, I don’t think I can.”
She frowns.
“I’ll take her,” Kelsey says from the doorway. “As long as you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind,” Anastacia says.
Kelsey elbows me, giving me a dirty look, on her way to the bed.
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“It’s okay, Grizz,” Anastacia says kindly. “It’s scary. Trust me, I know.”
She pulls her nightgown off, and then she’s just there, nothing but a pair of panties in the bed I’ve been sleeping in. And fuck, if I thought she was beautiful before… Her breasts are full, dark pink nipples, and Jesus fuck I cannot be looking at her like this when she is about to feed her child. The fuck is wrong with me? Goddamn.
“I need some air.”
