“I think so,” I manage to say while trying to do as he said. In through my nose, big and deep. But it’s so hard to focus onanything but the pain. I’m telling my body to do things, but it won’t. I have no control over myself. The pain is too much.
“How often are they coming?” he asks.
“They won’t go away!” I scream as another one hits. “It won’t stop!”
I hear him ask if my water broke, to which I shout, “No!” But maybe if it did, this baby would come out. Then I hear him say something about checking my cervix to see if I’m in labor. I scream for him to do it. I just want this pain to go away. Whatever he can do to make this go faster, I want him to do it. I don’t care what it is, I just want this to stop.
I would do anything to make this pain go away.
I roll around on the bed, the sheets sticking to my sweaty skin, desperate for relief.
Please, just make it stop!
The world spins, and I think I’m going to pass out. No, maybe I’m going to die. Surely this pain will kill me, right? No body can endure this much pain. It’s impossible. It’s not humanly possible to go through this and come out alive on the other side. It’s just not.
Something soft is placed under my head as hands fall away from my arms and my back. The pressure on my back helps just a little—a fraction. Not enough to make a difference, but maybe if they keep doing it? I try to mutterplease, try to ask them to keep going, but all that comes out is another cry for help and sounds that aren’t words.
The bed dips beside me, and someone takes my hand.
Grizz.
I’d know his hand anywhere. I’ve held it so many times now. Stared at it so many times.
And though it does nothing to make the pain go away, it gives me just a little bit of peace knowing I’m not alone. He’s here with me, and with him, I can get through this. I can do this.
Then someone is on the other side of me, and they’re grabbing my legs. I open my eyes, but everything is blurry with the tears. It’s like all my senses aren’t working, shutting down, because this pain is killing me. I’m dying. Surely I am dying.
Someone else says something, but I can’t hear what it is—or even who it is.
Then something cold is between my legs. There’s something inside me. Then there’s pressure and a little bit of pain. I cry more because how much more can I handle?
“Sweetheart?” I hear, loud and clear.
“Yeah?” I whimper, my body shaking like crazy.
“Hope you’re ready to have a baby.”
A baby…yes. A baby. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s what all this pain is for. I just have to have a baby, and then it will go away. Then I will get to meet them and everything will be perfect.
I hear Grizz’s deep raspy voice on the side of me muttering, “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” and I bet his face is so funny right now. I bet he’s terrified, and that just makes him so adorable. I wish I could see it. I wish I could—another contraction starts, and I swear I’m going to throw up. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to focus on my breathing and not the nausea, but it’s impossible. It all came on so quickly, so hard, that I didn’t have a second to get a handle on it.
“Sweetheart, when I tell you to push, I’m going to need you to push as hard as you can as we count to ten, okay? The harder you push, the quicker your baby will be here.”
Push hard. Baby comes out.
Okay, I can do this. I can totally do this.
“Holy shit,” Grizz says. “Holy fucking shit, this is happening.”
“You ready to have a baby?” Dr. Carter asks.
But that just makes me cry harder. Becauseno. I am not ready to have a baby. I am not ready to be a mother and beresponsible for another human when I am still learning how to be responsible for myself. I am not ready to bring a baby into this evil world full of vile people. But it will make the pain go away.
Baby comes out. Pain goes away.
“I know this is scary, but you’re going to do great,” Dr. Carter says. His voice is soft, and it’s soothing.
There’s more talking, but it’s fading in and out now. I think I really am passing out. My body is shutting down. Something is happening because I feel like I’m going in and out of sleep. But then there’s something inside me again, more pressure. I cry out because it hurts. This all hurts so badly. Then a warm gush of water flows out of me, soaking beneath me. I think I peed myself. I peed myself in front of all these people because I’m in so much pain that my bladder lost control.
