“A class a few weeks ago was in a different building because we were watching a movie. And we’ve gone to the food court here afterward a few times.”
“Just you and Logan?” Lily asked. Apparently, Jane had shared Logan’s name with Lily too. Which was fine. Even though it wasn’t what I had intended for this year, it looked like I had a boyfriend, so there was no sense playing coy about it with friends.
“And another guy from group, usually.”
Jane and Lily exchanged a glance that made me wonder if them seeing me on campus today was by chance or planned.
“What’s up?” I asked. I kept my eyes on Jane, knowing she was the most likely to tell me the truth with no bullshit. Not that Lily would lie, but she phrased things so as not to hurt anyone or ruffle feathers. Jane didn’t have that filter, or if she did, she’d abandoned it long ago.
But it was Lily who answered first. “We just wanted to check in with you. See how everything’s going since you’ve been back. Are the roommates working out? Classes? And all the time you’re spending with—”
“We want to make sure you’re not falling into something unhealthy with a hockey player because you’re both going through it right now,” Jane said, cutting to the chase.
I sat back in the chair, almost looking to my right to see Logan’s arm resting on his chair next to mine. But chair aside, I was in this conversation alone.
“It’s really sweet of you to check in,” I said. It was true.But… “But I’m doing great. Better than I’d hoped for this first semester back. And Logan is…”
Both of the girls leaned forward, but I wasn’t sure how to put my feelings for him into simple words. Because there was nothing simple about my feelings for Logan Fields. There was grief, of course, of which we were both in different stages. And the fact that there was the specter of my being the mystery girl for him last year. And also that—
Wait.Yes, it was actually very simple.
“I’m in love with him,” I blurted out, shocked that the words came so easily. “I love Logan.” Yep. Easy that time too. Granted, it was spoken to two girls I trusted, but also rarely saw.
Lily broke into a smile. Jane wore more of an “I told you so” smirk. Whether the sentiment was directed at me or Lily, I couldn’t tell for sure.
“You’re sure, right? I mean, this isn’t just—what do they call it—transference, or something?” Jane asked.
“I think that’s when you fall in love with your shrink,” Lily said.
“Not far off,” Jane said.
I laughed as the two girls—so different and yet obviously so close—argued over correct psychology terms and how they might apply to Logan’s and my relationship.
“Stop. Wait. It’s not transference. Not entirely, anyway. It’s more like there was this huge thing in both of our lives. Recently losing someone we loved. And we had this thing in common.”
“It’s a little different than, say, realizing you lived in nearby neighborhoods or had something like that in common. Your ‘huge thing’ is very emotionally charged,” Jane pointed out.
“You’re not wrong. And that’s what I told Logan at first. That the situation was too complicated to be something more than a one-nighter. And yet…”
“It was also too complicated to only be a fast hookup,” Lily said, and I nodded. “So, you…?”
I shrugged. “We were just friends for a long time. But more than friends too. We shared things in group that would take other couples months, or even years, to realize about their partner.”
“But you were also sharing those things with several other people. In a group setting. And you didn’t fall in love with anybody else in the group,” Lily pointed out.
“Well, see, there was history with Logan and me, even before our first class.” At their surprised looks (it was great to see Jane actually surprised—it wasn’t an everyday occurrence, she was so shrewd), I took a deep breath and said, “How much time do you have?”
I told them about the first Friday before classes and propositioning Logan at his house. At Jane’s look, like she was quickly going through the timeline in her head, I quickly added that our attempt had been aborted by a loud partygoer. Some small shred of compassion for Ches had me omitting her from the story entirely.
And, even though it felt more like Logan’s story to share than mine, I relayed the fact that he’d actually been interested in me last year before I had to leave. Unbeknownst to me.
Both of those things seemed to give our relationship a bit more depth than just “we’re both really sad on Wednesdays so we started sleeping together.”
Because I knew how we felt about each other. That I loved him, and was almost certain that he was in love with me. The real me. Not the phantom girl from freshman year.
He hadn’t said the words yet, and neither had I.
But I knew Logan was mine and I was his.
