“Wow. That’s… that’s…” Lily said after I’d info-dumped our backstory.
“A lot,” Jane said. “Which makes me feel even better that we’re checking in with you. This feels all pretty heavy for someone who was just going to have fun this year. Are you sure that you want to get this deep, this fast?”
I thought back to nearly two months ago when I saw Jane, Lily, and Syd after my orientation session and we’d talked about this being my mulligan year. And that all of them had great relationships, which they wouldn’t have traded for the world, but they wished that those relationships hadn’t happened so early in their college days.
“Just like you both said, it would have been fun to have a whole freshman year of being single and out there, but I’m not going to pass up on what Logan and I have.”
“No, of course not. When it happens, it happens,” Lily said.
“I think we just wanted to make sure that it was what youwanted, more than what youneeded, if that makes sense?” Jane said.
I nodded. It made perfect sense to me. “I get it. And believe me, I fought this for a long time. For a lot of reasons.” At their questioning looks, I laid out the same evidence I’d given to Logan. “That I just wanted to have fun this year. That he and I were both raw from grief and all the emotions that came with that. That hockey players, at least here, apparently, are not looking for girlfriends in any way. ThatIwas not looking for a boyfriend. That we’d be in vulnerable states with each other every Wednesday, and how to navigate that. A lot of reasons, actually.”
“All valid reasons not to start up something,” Jane said.
“But you did anyway,” Lily added, her smile returning.
“Have youseenLogan Fields?” I asked her, and we all burst out laughing.
“I actually have. He’s in one of my classes this semester. And I’m pretty sure one last spring.”
“He didn’t fall in love with Lily from afar and plan to ask her out,” Jane pointed out. “And we all know how gorgeous she is.”
“Stop,” Lily said, embarrassed. But it was true. Lily was a beautiful girl. Anybody in any of her classes would have noticed that.
And Ches was drop-dead gorgeous.
And yet it was me that Logan had wanted to ask out last year. Who Logan had searched the campus for when I didn’t come back to class. He had held my hand in front of his housemates, who had never even seen him have a girl stay over before.
Stay over in a house where I’d spent several nights this week, and intended to spend more. Many, many more.
Yes, Logan was in love with me too. I was sure of it.
Sure enough to be the one to say it first? Maybe.
“I don’t know whether to be deliriously happy for you, or bummed you’re in heavy relationship mode so soon into your do-over year,” Lily said.
“Go with deliriously happy,” Jane said, and I nodded my agreement.
“Here’s the thing,” I began, the words coming out of me at approximately the same time the thought was crystallizing in my head. “You yourselves said you wouldn’t give up the guys you’re with just to have more sex, more partying, more freedom, freshman year. So you know that when it hits, it hits.” They both nodded, and I laid out the part that suddenly hit home for me. “And yes, Logan and I are both emotionally vulnerable right now. But the flip side of that is, we’re in that state because of losing someone. And what that ultimately does—and group has definitely helped us all see this—is bring home the fact of how short life can be. How quickly things can change. So when you find something good, something so great, you hang on tighter than maybe you normally would.
“I know how fragile it can all be. And I’m going to hang on to Logan Fields as long as he wants to hold on to me.”
I sat back in my seat, exhausted. It felt like Wednesday night in this same building, in these same chairs, the way my emotions were swirling around me. But it was all true, like everything we said in group was.
I looked to Jane and Lily for their reactions. Would they feel pity? Feel the need to warn me like Philly had? Something else?
Lily had tears in her eyes, but nodded encouragement. Jane—honest-to-a-fault, never-show-emotion Jane—only said, “Then hang the fuck on.”
I intended to.
Chapter28
Logan
Dex cameout of the bathroom in our hotel room. We’d beaten Princeton by three goals, one of which was scored by Dex in his first game back. We’d play them again tomorrow night before returning to Bribury.
Back to Megan.
