Carefully, I lean down and kiss Sophia’s head. I’m aboutto turn and leave but an invisible force is holding me in place. I look down at the woman who is changing my life and my daughter’s. Before I can second-guess myself, I lean down and kiss her on the head too.
“Sweet dreams, girls.”
And then I walk to my room and fall asleep. Alone.
Sophia was alone when I went to wake her up this morning. The bed next to her was still warm. For a split second, I debated running through the house to see if I could catch Sadie before she locked herself away in her apartment for the day.
Unfortunately, my better judgment won out and I have yet to see Sadie today. Our coaches gave us the day off, probably knowing most of the guys drank too much last night, so it’s been me and Sophia all day. It’s been a while since we’ve had some daddy-daughter time, and it feels good to spend some time with her alone.
Sophia decided she wasn’t going to nap today. The glorious days with a midday break are becoming fewer and fewer the closer we get to her fifth birthday. One more week until I have a five-year-old, and the thought has me holding her hand a little tighter right now as we ride out to our favorite spot on the property.
I park the four-wheeler under the giant purple lily magnolia tree that has started blooming already. The pond just behind us is lined with a variety of trees, but this one is suddenly my favorite. Nowadays, anything that even slightly resembles the purple streaks that run through Sadie’s hair has become my favorite. No matter how hard I try, Sadie will not escape my mind.
Sophia hops off the four wheeler, removes her helmet, and heads right for the pond.
“Not too close, Sophia.” My overprotectiveness is always highest around water. I try not to take my eyes off her for more than a couple seconds whenever we’re here. Hazards of parenthood I suppose.
Grabbing the basket off the back of the ATV, I follow Sophia toward the pond. She spots a monarch butterfly and begins chasing it around the open field. I take this opportunity to set up our picnic while she’s away from the water.
I lay out the blanket first and then grab the large Tupperware container full of fruit. Once that’s all set up, I grab the pretzels, crackers, and cheese. The perfect charcuterie snack if I do say so myself.
“Baby girl! Come have a snack with me.”
Sophia ends her chase with the butterfly, waving goodbye to the insect as she runs over to me. I haven’t been able to talk to Sadie about the toilet incident yet. There was no time to ask her about it after the group session yesterday. I’d love to get her side of the story before talking to Sophia, but I rarely have alone time with my daughter so I decide to ask and see if she gives me any details about what happened.
“Tell me about your day yesterday.”
Sophia’s eyes immediately drop to the blanket. As if she didn’t hear me, she grabs a strawberry and takes a giant bite, red juice dripping down her chin onto her white shirt as she chews.
“Rakas.” Her nickname comes out low and even, carrying enough weight to get her attention without raising my voice.
Her head snaps up, strawberry juice still plastered to her chin, and her eyes begin to fill with tears. I scoot closer to her and wrap my arm around her body, pulling her into me.
“What is it, Sophia?”
She pulls her head back but stays nestled in my shoulder. Her sad eyes find mine before she speaks.
“I accidentally flushed my car down the toilet. There was watereverywhere!Miss Sadie wasn’t mad, but I still felt really bad, Daddy. Then she started singing the song Mommy used to sing and I got so angry, I threw a book. I said some mean things to her.” Sophia sniffles, and I hold her tight against me. “She’s been gone all day. Do you think she’s mad at me, Daddy? Is she going to leave now too?”
There it is.
Everything always comes back to Claire, and I fucking hate it. I hate how much power she still holds over my daughter even though she’s never around.
Sophia buries her face into my chest and starts sobbing. I give her a moment to let out her feelings and to try to gather my thoughts. After a few seconds, I grip her chin and tilt her head so she’s forced to look at me. The devastation on my daughter’s face has me fighting back my own tears.
“Miss Sadie isnotmad at you, sweetheart.”
She wipes at her face and attempts to calm herself. Each breath she takes comes out in hiccupping gulps, her chest shuddering as her body tries to catch up with the fact that she’s done crying. My hold on her tightens. I wish more than anything I could carry Sophia’s pain as my own. Watching her heart break in real time is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever been through.
“How do you know, Daddy?”
I huff out a small laugh and push her blonde hair away from her face. “Because she loves you very much. She knows you didn’t mean what you said. And when I got home last night she was cuddling in bed with you, holding you super tight like this.” I squeeze her tiny body into me extra hard, causing her to giggle.
“Let go, Daddy!”
My hold on her loosens but I don’t let go.
“Miss Sadie is not your mom, Sophia.”
