I slink down onto the couch and curl into a ball, cocooning myself inside the knit throw blanket I’ve been usingall night. Maybe Ellie is right. Maybe Niko was afraid he’d be holding me back. He could’ve said that. He could’ve said anything. Instead, all he did was tell me to go to Denver.
The other night, he was so adamant about me staying, even if I didn’t have a job with the Bobcats. Why did that all of a sudden change? Part of me wants to believe Ellie but the other part of me still isn’t convinced. It doesn’t matter what the job is, why didn’t he ask me to stay anyway?
My self-doubt begins to creep up, making sleep almost impossible to come by. When I do manage to fall asleep, I’m awoken by nightmares. They’re all the same. It starts with me and Niko happy together somewhere, him slowly fading away from me, me screaming out to him, and by the time he’s gone, I jolt awake.
The sun isn’t even up yet when I give up on trying to fall back asleep. I wrap the blanket around me, grab my phone off the table, and head to the front porch. There’s still a chill to the air in the mornings sometimes. It’s like we get multiple seasons in one day here. I pull the blanket tighter across my chest and take a seat on one of the wooden rocking chairs.
For the first time since I got here last night, I unlock my phone. I suck in a breath, not knowing what to expect. Half hoping Niko sent me a text or tried calling me, the other half wanting a little bit more time to figure out where my head is at.
There’s only one message waiting for me. And it’s from Niko. It was sent at two o’clock in the morning. Apparently I wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping last night.
Niko
When I told you that you should go, I didn’t mean tonight. That yoga retreat has been your dream. I’d love to see that come true for you. I understand you may need space to figure things out but I’ll be waiting at home when you’re ready.
Home. But it’s not my home, is it? It’s never been my home. I thought that maybe it could be one day, but everything is a big question mark now. I appreciate Niko respecting me needing space and I’m grateful the season is over. Niko doesn’t have anything team related for the time being, so I’m not needed with Sophia right now. He’ll have training over the summer and commitments but we have yet to discuss those things. Will we even be discussing them anymore?
God, my head hurts. The lack of sleep is making me way more emotional and negative than I normally would be.
My mind drifts to Sophia. How is she going to react to me not being there today? On days when I don’t need to care for her, I’m almost always still around hanging out with them. I’m sure Niko will handle that conversation with grace, hopefully just telling her I’m with my best friend today, but I still hate that he’s even in that position. She’s been through enough as it is, and the thought of being someone who leaves her makes me physically ill.
The front door creaks open, and I’m surprised when I see it’s Lincoln joining me on the porch and not Ellie.
“Morning,” he says gruffly. He hands me a cup of coffee and sits in the rocking chair next to me. “I wasn’t sure how you take your coffee, but Ellie is a coffee snob so I figured I’d make it the way she likes it. Mine is black if you want to switch.”
I take the mug from his hand, grateful for the small gesture. “Thanks, Lincoln. I’m no snob but having been Ellie’s roommate for years, I learned to adjust my standards.”
He chuckles next to me then quietly sips his coffee. The sun is finally starting to peek over the trees in the distance. There’s something about that first morning light that instantly boosts my mood. I’m not sure if it’s the calming glow or the start of a new day, but I’m breathing easier with each inch as the sun rises in the sky.
Lincoln’s voice steals my attention away from the sunrise. “Ellie didn’t give me details, girl code and all that, I just want to make sure you’re okay. I have no problem calling Niko into my office and making him skate down and backs until he pukes if he deserves it.”
I nearly spit my coffee back into my cup. I was not expecting him to say that. After I wipe my chin clean of coffee, I turn to look at Lincoln.
“I appreciate the gesture. I think? But that’s not necessary. I just need to make some decisions about my future, and the conversation with Niko did not go as I would have hoped.”
Lincoln seems to ponder my comment and takes another sip of his coffee. “Well, I hope you two can work it out. I don’t know what happened, but if it has to do with a decision about your future, I can probably guess what he said. Niko isn’t one to ask for help or speak up for what he wants. He’s a team guy. That’s why he makes a great captain. He’s always gonna do whatever it takes to help everyone else out. Sometimes, that means putting himself last—both on and off the ice.”
I’ve known since the day I met Niko he loves to take care of the people around him. He’s selfless to the point where sometimes he neglects his own care. Of course he’d do that when it comes to a relationship too. His history with Claire doesn’t help matters at all either.
Lincoln and I sit together in silence, sipping our coffee and watching the sun rise. Both he and Ellie have given me a lot to think about. Niko was right when he said the yoga retreat is a dream opportunity. If I didn’t have these feelings for him, it would be an easy decision. I know he deserves to know what’s in my heart, but this sinking feeling of fear in my gut will not go away.
To make matters worse, my phone lights up with a text from my old boss.
Mark
Things moved along quicker than we anticipated. We’ve bumped the grand opening to next week. I know it’s a month earlier than expected, but we’re hoping to appeal to people before summer vacation hits. If you need more time to decide, I understand. But we’d love to have you here when we open. Give me a call when you can.
I guess I don’t have as much time as I thought to figure this out. Wonderful.
Sadie has been gone a day, and not to be dramatic, but it’s been fucking awful without her here. Sadie texted to tell me she’d be staying at Ellie’s again but she’d be back soon to talk. Who knows what “soon” means, but I’m crawling out of my skin without her here.
The first thing Sophia asked when she woke up was “when is Sadie coming over?” I didn’t have a definitive answer for her, which just frustrated her and put her in a bad mood. It’s been downhill ever since.
It’s barely noon and Sophia is on her second tantrum of the day.
“I don’t want to clean up my Play-Doh! You can do it!” Her screeching voice raises another level, and I’m two seconds away from raising my voice.
People always warn you about the newborn stage and being up all night or about terrible twos. No one ever prepares you for how difficult it will be to regulate your own emotions sometimes. Adults have jobs, outside stress factors, relationship issues of their own, a plethora of other things going on that would put any human in a bad mood. However, when you’re a parent, none of that matters when your child is struggling toregulate emotions of their own. As much as I want to raise my voice and tell my stubborn daughter to get her act together, I know that will only escalate the situation.
