I close my eyes and begin counting backward from ten, taking deep breaths with each number. Once I’m calm enough to speak, I lower myself to the ground so I’m closer to Sophia.
“Sophia, I can see you’re angry right now. It’s okay to be angry, but instead of yelling at me, would you like to scream into a pillow or rip up some paper to let your frustration out?”
“No!”
Okay. What else could I possibly try? I try like hell to remember some of the things Sadie has taught me about children’s breathing techniques, and then I remember the breathing exercises Sadie told me about. I’m pretty sure she had to use one the day Sophia flushed a car down the toilet.
“How about some breathing exercises? Miss Sadie told me you like to do those when you get upset sometimes. Could you teach me one?”
Sophia’s face relaxes at the mention of Sadie. “I could teach you the balloon one.”
My jaw drops. “There’s aballoon one?” I emphasize the end of the sentence, exaggerating my shock and excitement.
Sophia brings her hands up to her face and cups her mouth like she’s getting ready to shout. “You put your hands like this.” I mimic her position and wait for the next instruction. “Then we takebigbreaths and fill up the balloon. Watch me.”
I watch as each time Sophia exhales, the imaginary balloon in her hands grows bigger each time. When her hands are out wide next to her, she stops to give me another instruction.
“When it’s so big it can’t grow anymore, you take one more breath and pop it.” She demonstrates and claps herhands together, signaling that her balloon has popped. Sophia smiles at me. “Want to do it with me?”
“I sure do.”
We do the balloon breathing technique two times, Sophia’s smile growing after each time we finish. Once we’re done with the second round, she puts her arms down at her side. “I feel better now, Daddy.”
“Me too, actually.” And I do. Watching Sophia concentrate on her breathing and calm down right in front of my eyes was really something. It’s another reminder of how much Sadie has done for us and how much I’m going to miss her if she takes that job in Denver.
Sophia and I work together to clean up her mess. After we’re done, I read her part of a chapter book.
She looks up from my chest. “Daddy, can I go lie down for a bit?” Her question takes me by surprise, but I’m definitely not going to complain about a break today. It’s something we’ll have to figure out the closer we get to kindergarten, but for now, I’m soaking up the remaining naptimes while I still have them.
I tuck Sophia in and lean down to kiss her forehead like I do any time I put her to bed.
“Good night,Rakas.”
“Night, Daddy.”
I shut Sophia’s door behind me with every intention of taking a nap while she rests. I’ve barely gotten any sleep since Sadie left. I doubt I’ll be able to fall asleep, but even just closing my eyes will do some good.
My head hits my pillow at the same time my phone buzzes on my nightstand. I roll over to ignore it but it vibrates again. Frustrated, I grab my phone to turn it on silent but when I see the name on my screen I bolt upright.
Sadie
I’ll be heading back to your place later, hopefully in time for dinner. Can we talk after Sophia’s asleep?
My body is nearly shaking as I read her text. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or excitement at this point, but I try to steady my hands so I can type out a text back.
Of course. Any requests for dinner?
I’m trying to keep the mood light, but I can’t help but feel nervous about this conversation later. I wholeheartedly believe Sadie should take the job in Denver. She’s lived her whole life questioning who she is and if what she does is “enough,” and there’s nothing I want more for her than to get that dream job and be surrounded by people who believe in her and what she does. I can’t ask her to stay. As much as I want her in my life, that would be fucking selfish. I won’t do that to her.
Another text from Sadie comes in, and her reply doesn’t surprise me one bit.
Sadie
Whatever Sophia wants.
It’s not lost on me that Sadie leaving will absolutely crush Sophia. But the circumstances are different. Sadie leaving doesn’t mean she has to leave our life completely. We can call, text, or even video chat if Sadie is on board. Sadie getting this opportunity doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends.
“Friends.” I say the word to convince myself it’s possible but it sounds sour in my mouth. I want so much more than that but not at the expense of Sadie’s dream. It’s going to have to do until the universe decides otherwise.
