Lincoln answers the door, and as soon as he sees my tear-streaked face he excuses himself to the bedroom. Ellie shoves him out of the way and pulls me into a hug, not asking a single question.
Silently, we snuggle up on the couch, bowls of ice cream in hand, and we turn on one of our favorite movies for the millionth time.
I’m debating how to bring up what happened with Niko when Ellie reaches over and grabs the remote. She pauses the movie and then turns to face me on the couch.
“What happened with Niko? When I left earlier, you two were practically ignoring the rest of the party making eyes at each other. Do we need to trade him to a new team? I don’t think Lincoln will be on board but I’ll convince him if I have to.”
I finish the last bite of my Moose Tracks and put my bowl on the table next to me. “We were not making eyes at each other.”
Ellie rolls her eyes. “You absolutely were. But that’s not what matters right now. What has you crying on my couch at eleven o’clock at night? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry, Sadie.”
I’m about to tell Ellie she’s ridiculous, but then I think back to the last few years we’ve spent as roommates. Aside from the occasional therapeutic shower cry, nothing ever affected me enough to bring me to tears. The realization that the significance of what happened between Niko and me is much more important than anything that’s occurred in my life over the past four years makes me cry again.
Ellie panics, shoving her ice cream behind her on the couch and wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulling me into her. “Shit. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I’m just worried.”
After a few seconds I finally compose myself and wipe my face clean.
“You didn’t make me feel worse. Remembering what happened with Niko did.”
I debate how much I want to tell her but then pour my heart out. I tell her how easy everything is between us, how wefit into each other’s lives seamlessly, and even though she grimaces, I even tell her how good the sex was. Then I go on to tell her about the text he found and our conversation tonight.
“He told me to go. So that’s what I did.”
Ellie doesn’t say anything for a minute, she simply taps her finger against her leg as she seems to think over everything I just told her.
“So, you hesitated when he asked if you were thinking about taking the job?”
I nod once. I still don’t know why I hesitated when he asked me that question. Did I think about it last week when I spoke to Mark about his plans? Absolutely. Managing a yoga retreat would be the dream. I know people will call me crazy, but over the past few weeks working with Niko and being with Sophia, my dreams may have changed a bit. They’ve opened my eyes to see what a life with a familyanda dream could be. Moving to Denver would only give me half of that. I think I hesitated when he asked because I wanted to tell him everything I’ve been feeling but got scared. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if I poured my heart out to him and he still told me to go?
“Why did you hesitate, Sadie?”
“I was scared, Ellie! I didn’t want him to know I thought about it and then ultimately decided I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t leave him and Sophia. How could he even think I’d want to leave? After everything we’ve been through! It wasn’t even a possibility for me, but hearing him ask me that gave me pause. If he thinks there’s a possibility I’d leave, is he really feeling what I’m feeling? What if I told him how I felt and he still told me to go? Every single person I’ve ever loved has left me behind. At least this way I saved myself the embarrassment, I guess.”
A self-deprecating sound leaves my mouth as more tears stream down my face.
Ellie hands me a tissue and waits for me to calm down. Once I’ve stopped crying, again, she grabs my hand.
“Sadie, I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes. I will never understand how your parents and your family made the choice to not be in your life. You are one of the most caring, thoughtful, supportive people I’ve ever met. I am lucky to have you in my life. But Niko is not them. As a matter of fact, he is one of the most selfless human beings on the planet. Honestly, he’s selfless to a fault. When you didn’t answer his question, I’m sure he thought that meant you were considering the job. If I had to guess, he saw this wonderful opportunity in front of you and didn’t want to be the one to hold you back.”
Her words cause more tears to fill my eyes but she keeps going.
“I’m not telling you what to do, but I think you need to tell Niko how you feel. Whatever you decide, just don’t get on a plane to Denver without at least doing that. You’ll never forgive yourself if you do.”
“I’ll think about it.”
She gives me a hug then pulls back, but doesn’t make a move to leave.
“You can go to bed. I’m okay now. Thanks for talking this through with me.”
Ellie eyes me skeptically. “Are you sure? I can stay out here for as long as you need me.”
“I’m sure.”
Ellie stands and grabs our empty bowls. Before she heads to the kitchen she turns back to me. “I love you, Sades. Text me if you need me.”
“I will. Love you too.”
She walks to the kitchen and deposits our dishes into the sink before disappearing up the stairs.
