Instead of arguing with her, I push her back on my bed. When I want to shout at the injustice of it all, I kiss her instead. And then, because I want to flip fate the stiffest and most heartfelt bird, I don’t roll on a condom. Ember sees me without one, and it’s like she wants to join me in a grandfuck yougesture. Her legs wrap around me, and she guides me inside her.
Fuck you, fate.
16
Ember
I know it was stupid.
Tempting fate that way, it was thoughtless and reckless, but it felt good, for more reasons than the obvious. In a small way, it was something we took control of, when everything around us was spinning like debris in a tornado.
It’s what I said the moment I stepped from the bathroom that hurt Noah. He’s trying to pretend like it didn’t, but I see the shadow in his eyes. And now, even though his arm is wrapped around my shoulders where we lie on his bed, I feel like he’s a mile away.
Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? I know why. I’m high on his love, and I don’t want that to change. I want to keep what we have pure, so I suggested we end on a high note. I didn’t really mean it. I don’t actually want that. What I want is to create a perfect picture for our future selves. I can’t bear to have it any other way.
“Why would you want to break up, Ember? I already promised to take the scholarship. Remember your ultimatum?” His eyes are on the ceiling, and his chest rises and falls in a rhythm, but each inhale and exhale is too long, extended by the effort it’s taking him to stay calm.
“Because I’m scared for us.” I’ve finally said it. I’ve been putting on a brave face but I can’t anymore. It’s disingenuous, and it hurts. “I want to freeze us in time, while we’re at our peak.”
He rolls away, dragging his arm out from under my body, only to turn back to me and prop his head in his hand. He offers a grin my mother would callsmart-alecky. “We’re not vegetables, Ember. We don’t need to be frozen at the peak of freshness.”
I move to pinch him, but he blocks me by grabbing my hand and gripping it tightly. Our interwoven fingers drift down between us onto the bed.
“I’ll come home all the time. So often you’ll get sick of me.”
I watch his face, trying to push away this feeling creeping over me. A foreboding nuisance, like a gnat buzzing around in my head. It’s more than fear.
Closing my eyes, I slowly shake my head. “Don’t.” When I open them, they focus on Noah. “Don’t drag us through the mud until we collapse. We’ll miss some calls and you’ll skip a visit. Then it’ll be two missed visits. You’ll make new friends, and tell me about them, and to you they’ll be real, but to me they’ll only be characters. Feelings will get hurt, we won’t communicate, and before you know it, we won’t talk for weeks.” My eyes are stinging now, tightening in that way that tells me tears are imminent. “I can’t have that, Noah. I don’t want to remember us that way and—”
Noah puts out his hand. “Stop talking.” He lowers his head and kisses my temple. “Let’s just live here,” he whispers against it. “Right now. In these minutes. In these next few months. In the summer of us.”
How can I say no?
The boy I love wants only to love me in return.
I’d be a fool to turn that down.
* * *
We wereinseparable the whole summer, squeezing every last drop from our precious and rapidly depleting time. August was a deadline looming, a guillotine, blade poised.
Noah gave me a bike for graduation; it was just like the one I saw that morning at the beach. I wanted to ride it more, but Noah insisted he keep driving me to work. Knowing I’d get plenty of time to ride it in the fall kept me from arguing with him.
We spent lazy days together, lying on the shore of the lake, watching puffy white clouds roll across the blue sky. Four more trips to the beach house, and this time we didn’t hide it. We were daring and adventurous.
Noah talked Brody into getting him some pot, and I tried it for the first time. Noah was excited over how soft the bud was, something I knew nothing about. I’d needed Noah badly that night. Shapes danced in front of me, turning and swirling until they grew into 3-D forms.
As the days rolled on and August drew nearer, it became harder to ignore its approach. It’s whispered beginning had increased in volume, and we both felt the impending yell.
* * *
Two days.
He leaves in two days.
We’re at the lake again. We’ve been other places this summer, but we always come back to the lake. This is where the magic began.
The clouds are dark, but we decided not to let that deter us. We’re lying on a blanket on the sandy bank, and neither of us speak. Perhaps we’re so full of thoughts, emotion, and fear, that if we let even a drop of it out, the floodgates will open. Besides, the quiet is nice. Is there anything better than being close enough to someone to sit with them in silence?
