Eventually, Noah reaches for me. I turn into his touch. His eyes reflect the way I feel. We are both drowning on the inside. I meet his lips in the middle, and we take, hungrily. We have sex all the time, but it doesn’t feel like this. Where we are usually unhurried, today has an insistence. There’s a finality to it. When the raindrops fall, we don’t stop. It’s a gentle rain, the kind that touches your skin in a casual, almost comforting way. Intoxicated by the scent of wet air, I tilt my chin to the sky and savor the feel of my hands skimming Noah’s damp back. When it’s over, we dress and lie back down, me with my head on his chest, his hand running over my hair.
“I love you so much, Ember.” His voice is thick and sad.
“I love you too,” I say, my words tumbling onto his chest.
It’s the saddest, most perfect day ever.
* * *
It’s here.
Noah and I drive the two hours to Stanford in his car, his parents following. When we arrive, Noah looks out his windshield and smiles. I mimic him. I smile so damn hard, there’s no way he’ll see my insides breaking into a million pieces.
His dorm is red brick and three-stories high. People are everywhere. We climb from the car and join his parents.
“Let’s go this way,” Johanna says, taking charge.
I follow. All day long, I follow. Campus tour. Meeting this person, then that one. Smile, smile, smile, but it feels more like marching to the gallows. My internal timer counts each second.
Not until it’s time to leave do Noah and I get a moment alone. His parents say goodbye and tell me to meet them at their car.
He pulls me into a tight hug the instant his dorm room door closes behind them.
“Are you excited to start next week?” he asks.
I most certainly am not looking forward to my new job working mornings at a cafe. Or going to my old job at night. Gruff is getting on my last nerve.
“Sure,” I say, thinking of the dwindling cash in my mom’s envelopes. “Are you excited for your first practice?”
No response. His chin comes to rest on the top of my head. “Fuck this small talk.”
My body trembles with my empty laughter. “It’s painful, isn’t it?”
“The conversation or the good-bye?”
“Both.”
His breath bolts from him in one swift exhale. “Excruciating.”
“How are we supposed to say goodbye?” I’m aware of his parent’s waiting for me in their car. The timer is ticking off its final moments.
“I think it’s like anything else. You just do it. You force it to happen, even when you want to fight it.”
He runs his fingers through my hair and I squeeze harder, willing myself not to cry.
“I’ll see you soon, okay? I’ll be home before you know it.” He cups my face and I rise on tiptoe to meet him. Our kiss is short and sweet. Kissing longer will only hurt more.
I leave on a promise to talk that night when I get back to Northmount. The door shuts behind me and I put one foot in front of the other, never looking back, too afraid I’ll abandon my responsibilities, run straight back to his arms, and never leave.
I climb into his parents’ car. At first they make small talk, and I swear I try to engage. I must suck at it, because they stop bringing me into the conversation. I want to pull out my phone and text Noah, but I know he has things to do, and I don’t want to take away from his first evening there. I stare out the window and try to keep the tears at bay. When they drop me off in front of my apartment, Johanna makes a comment about still seeing me even though Noah is gone.
It’s a sweet gesture, but an empty one.
Before I reach the landing I’m sobbing.
* * *
Even though wehad magic and the kind of love I’m certain someone could write a book about, it all happened like I said it would.
