I felt the walls of The Refuge all around me.
“What is it your so freaked out about?” he asked. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop myself. He closed his eyes, as if trying to control himself. When he opened them, I felt the intensity of his gaze everywhere.
“It’s not right, Sara. You should be able to live your own life. Make your own decisions. Not live in fear of stepping out of line.” His voice rose and I immediately shushed him, not wanting him to be overheard.
“Stop talking like that. I’m fine—”
“We can leave,” he said. “We’ll get David and Anne and just leave.” He took a deep breath as though steadying himself. “We can start a different kind of life.” His fingers also shook as they pushed the hair back away from my face.
“David will never leave.” I felt weak. I needed him to stop talking. I needed him to tell me more.
His face twisted with pain. He knew I was right. David would never walk away from Pastor. He touched my face again. Tracing the line of my lips. Cupping the side of my neck. “Then you and me, Sara.” I blinked in shock at his suggestion. I couldn’t imagine him ever leaving David, but his eyes were serious. His expression resolute. “We’ll go. The two of us.” His voice cracked and it was then that I could hear the lie. His eyes flittered away, not quite meeting mine. We both knew he would never be able to hide the deception in them.
What sort of life could a woman like me have? A woman without money or family or skills.
Worst of all, a woman without faith.
I felt the wind knocked out of me.
A woman without faith.
Had I lost my devotion?
Had doubt clouded my mind? Had sin entered my heart?
That scared me more than the memory of The Refuge. More than Mom’s anger and Pastor Carter’s reprimand.
What was I without faith?
A black hole.
I couldn’t allow that to happen.
I pushed Bastian away hard enough that he stumbled. “I have to go. I’m sorry—I just—I have to go.”
“Wait.” Bastian pulled me towards him. His arms wrapping around me. He rested his forehead against mine. I felt myself lean into him. Absorbing all that he offered. Even as I fought with myself. Screaming into the silence that I should walk away. Pretend I didn’t feel anything for this man.
These emotions were tearing me in half.
“Sara. Please. Just think about it. You deserve more than this.” He ran his nose along mine. “You deserve to live whatever life you want.” He kissed the corner of my mouth and I froze.
Then I melted. Every part of me liquefied. Like molten heat.
Just from that one, chaste kiss.
“Bastian, please…”
Please what?
Please stop?
My body rebelled against the very thought.
Please more?
Yes. Absolutely.
So much more.
