But not just any blood—this is dark and much thicker than it should be. It’s old blood, which can only mean one thing: I’m dying from a broken heart.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
JOANNA
It’s been almost two weeks since Aidan bit me, and I still haven’t confronted my feelings for him.
Raegan tried to get me to talk so many times. My depression was so obvious to the people around me, but I couldn’t tell her the truth, and I don’t know why. Sometimes, it feels as if there’s something in me purposefully holding me back, like a demon with their claws clamped around my heart. No matter how much I want to open it, the monster inside just won’t let go.
At one point, I was so desperate to distract myself, I reached out to the guy I met at speed dating, Grant. We met for dinner at a new place outside of town so no one would see us. I tried to keep up meaningful conversation, but every time Grant started to talk, all I heard was Aidan’s voice in the back of my head and those monstrous fingers clenching tighter and tighter in my chest. By the end of the date, we both knew it was a dud. I felt bad for wasting his time, but at least I’d done something rather than continue to wallow in my own stupid choices.
It was my mom who finally cracked my stubborn shell. Turns out Aunt Holly’s infection was legit, and she was forced to staywith her for several weeks, which only made my depression worse. By the time I picked her up at the airport, I wasn’t just falling apart, I was a completely broken mess.
The moment she saw my face, she pulled me into a tight hug and let me cry on her shoulder right in the middle of baggage claim. I hadn’t cried like that since I was little, and everything I shoved down over the years came spewing up like a geyser.
I cried off and on for hours, telling my mom everything about how things started with Aidan, and how they ended. I told her the truth about how I missed her when she was gone. I told her we needed help with the farm and the rescue. It’s no one’s fault really, but after a lot of reflection, I think my deep dedication to the business has prevented me from connecting with others. I poured so much of myself into the animals and my responsibility to them, I had nothing left for anyone else.
“What is it you think will happen if you tell Aidan everything you’ve just told me?” she asks as we’re sitting on the front porch of the main house, my feet in her lap just like when I was a kid.
I know what I’m feeling is irrational, but that’s the thing isn’t it? There’s no rational way to explain feelings like this. They burrow into your mind and trick you into believing something that isn’t true. I always thought if I dumped any of my personal baggage on someone else, they wouldn’t be able to carry it. I thought it would be too much for them to take on any of my problems, and they’d want to leave. There was no point sharing in the first place.
But that’s the lie.
It might be too much for one person to carry someone else’s baggage along with their own, but that’s why we’re supposed to share the weight with the ones we love. The point of depending on someone is that they can help balance your load, just as you balance theirs. It was Raegan who helped me understand this ona friendship level, but Aidan has opened my eyes and my heart so much more.
Yes, it’s been terrifying trying to understand what fate has to do with any of this, but in the end, does it really matterwhywe were brought together? The most important thing should be how I feel, and right now, I feel like a piece of me is missing.
My mom helpsme get back to a healthy routine that won’t consume me. As much as I wish we could hire someone else to help us with the animals, we just don’t have the money. The rescue is a nonprofit, and we don’t sell our milk or eggs. All we have is what I’ve saved up from working in retail, and any donations we receive go toward taking care of the rescue dogs.
I did, however, take Raegan’s advice about bringing on volunteers. On Wednesday afternoon, I make my way into town and start hanging flyers at each of the major businesses. Kiki’s has a massive bulletin board in the cafe where locals post odd jobs and yard sales, so I pin my bright pink paper to the center of the board so no one can miss it. I then do the same at Double Double, Bound and Buried, and Claudia’s bakery.
I would be worried about bumping into Aidan, but everyone says he’s kept to himself. Jamie said he doesn’t even come in for his morning matcha lattes anymore.
I walk down the busy street in a daze, occasionally saying hi to passersby, but I don’t really see them. I can’t stop thinking about Aidan. Is he really just at home like everyone is saying, or is something wrong? How is he feeling? Is he truly done with me now that I’ve rejected him so many times? I feel like the girl who cried wolf—I claimed I wanted this as I reeled Aidan in, but every time he got close, I released him, effectively pushing him further away.
Now that I’m ready to be with him, I’m afraid he’ll never believe me.
I absentmindedly bite my nails when I remember what day it is, and I feel a pang of jealousy knowing Brenda gets to see him when I can’t.
As I pass back by Double Double on the way to my car, I catch Jamie leaving his morning shift.
I flag him down. “Hey, wait up!”
He stops and gives me a warm smile, but I can see the question in his eyes. He’s trying to take note of my appearance so he can report back to Raegan.
“You said Aidan hasn’t been here in weeks?” I reiterate.
Jamie nods. “We’ve texted though. He’s busy with a new business thing. I didn’t ask too much about it. And I did see him this past weekend at the art festival.”
My eyes fall to the sidewalk, purposefully hiding my face. “Is he…alright?”
I can feel Jamie smirking, and I glance up to see his lips pursed as he eyes me knowingly. “Why are you suddenly concerned about Aidan’s wellbeing?”
I roll my eyes and smack him on the chest. “Don’t play dumb. There’s no way you and Raegan don’t know what’s been going on.”
He smacks me back, narrowly missing my boob. “Why didn’t you tell us then?”
Beneath Jamie’s playful exterior, he looks a little offended that I didn’t confide in him about this. Or is he more offended for Raegan?
