‘Not if I controlled her the way I did you. Not if I forced her to leave the way I forced you to jump.’ She took a shuddering breath as she made herself hold his gaze. Made herself read what lay there.
There was nothing but gentle understanding as he pushed her hair back. ‘Your mother would have gotten on that ship no matter what. My father gave them no choice. If her death is on anyone’s hands, it’s his.’ She went to look away, but he stilled her head. ‘This guilt. It’s killing you. It’s convincing you that you are something that you are not.’
I have always seen you.
She had no answer for him. This guilt was all she’d known, all she’d allowed herself to feel for years. It was a burden she didn’t know how not to carry. And yet …
She felt something shift in her with the confession. As if shining light on the dark spot had shrunken it somehow.
‘The visions … they made me believe her soul was trapped in the veil. Because her body was never burned.’
Again, Will shook his head. There was agony in his voice as he said, ‘Her body still returned to the earth, love. The sea would have …’ He trailed off, as if he didn’t want to put words to it. But he was right: her body would’ve decomposed and fed the sea. Will ducked his head to meet her gaze. ‘If that decree still holds with the gods, then your mother’s soul is at rest.’
So what then was real?
Aya frowned up at him, her mind struggling to separate apparition from reality. ‘I thought I killed you, too.’
Will’s smile was weak. ‘Typical. Should I be offended orcharmed?’ His eyes twinkled in the firelight, and despite everything, Aya let out a weak laugh, even as tears slipped down her cheeks. His hand resumed its path down her back as he waited.
So she told him. Of the visions. Of how she watched her mother drown. Of how the voice – the gods, or her own mind perhaps – had possessed the Vaguer. How it had asked for her choice and presented him. Of how she’d turned her power on the Vaguer instead, but it hadn’t mattered.
She’d killed Will anyway.
Your true nature always decides.
‘I couldfeelyou,’ she said softly. ‘And I …’ She shuddered as she forced the words out. ‘I felt you die.’
There it was again: that ache that had sliced through her so viciously that she’d wanted the world to burn.
Will ran his knuckles across her jaw in the lightest of touches.
‘I was so angry. At the darkness I couldn’t seem to escape. At the gods, for not helping me. And there was this voice, urging me to embrace that anger, and I gave into it.’
She tore her gaze from his, too afraid to see all that would be there when she admitted what she needed to next. ‘They asked what I would give to right my wrongs. To save you.’ She swallowed, her eyes tracing the flickering flames. ‘I would’ve given anything.’
She’d learned many truths in the desert, this perhaps the most terrifying of all. She would have torn the world apart to get him back.
‘I saw the veil,’ she continued, her eyes still fixed on the fire. ‘As if I had summoned it, somehow. And I saw someone beyond it.’ She paused, her lips parted as something tugged at her memory.
The healer. It had looked just like the healer in herdreams. The hallucinations the relic had called forward had truly played on all her fears.
‘I felt like I could’ve destroyed it entirely. I would have, were it not for this.’ She finally looked to Will as she slid a hand in her pocket and pulled out the blood-encrusted whittling knife. His fingers skimmed the wooden handle. ‘It helped me block out that voice.’
Will’s jaw tightened as he stared at the blood. ‘How did you break free from the visions?’ His voice was low, masked in a type of calm she knew to be dangerous.
‘I turned the blade on myself.’
She felt his muscles tense, his hand splaying on her back as his gaze darted to her ruined shirt. He was silent for a beat, his gray eyes growing dark as he took in the scar marring her chest.
Slowly, he met her stare. ‘Tell me you’re lying.’ His voice was guttural. She searched for words, but her silence was apparently answer enough. Will swore under his breath, and in one smooth movement, he slid her off him. He stood, his hand tugging through his hair as he paced away from her.
‘I know you’re angry—’
‘Angry?’ He whirled back to face her. ‘I’m fucking furious.’ Aya opened her mouth to argue, but Will continued on, his fingers knotting in his hair. ‘I’m furious that I let you walk out of that room. That it took fuckingdaysto stop being blinded by my pride and realize where you’d actually gone. I’m furious that—’
He swallowed, the words lodging in his throat.
He dragged a hand down his face as he took a steadying breath. Then another. Another.
