“And I am nothing,” Eira whispered, barely giving sound to what was left unsaid.
“Eira, no—that’s—”
She took a small step back, freeing her face from his hands. The stares of the nobles from the night prior were back upon her.Murderer. The animosity from the crowd of the morningwhispered through her ears.Evil. As far as Cullen’s world was concerned, she was probably worse than nothing.
His hands continued to hover in the air. They landed back on her face, smoothing over her cheeks, trailing down her neck. He touched her as if it were the last thing he’d ever do. She barely had enough strength to stop herself from leaning into his hands, much less to push herself away. “All these barriers and difficulties are just how things are for me, Eira. I’m not like you; I can’t take the direct path. I have to plan and maneuver to get anything I want. I wish you could understand that.”
“I might not be able to understand. Because I am not noble like you—because I spent too much of my life living for other people and I won’t abide it any longer.” Eira shook her head. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, it is what it is.”
“But—”
Eira closed the gap between them and silenced him with a palm on his chest. How good he felt underneath her hand. How much she wanted to believe him that he had a plan, had the strength to stand up to his father. But Cullen being hers was no more a possibility than the wall that surrounded the Champion Village was going to keep out the Pillars, or the nobles were going to be able to keep her safe. There were some things that had to be accepted, no matter how much she might wish they were different.
“Stop now, please, for both our sakes. I know—Mother above, I know—how tempting it is to give in. But drawing this out is unnecessary and will only make it worse.” Eira patted his chest twice and then her hand dropped to her side. “So I’m going to try, with all my might, to fall out of love with you.”
Her words slowly dawned on him. His eyes widened a fraction. His lips parted, as if he wanted to say something, but no words came. Eira’s heart beat faster as she waited. Part of her desperately,desperatelywanted him to tell her not to. To fighther. She wanted him to tell her he loved her and mean it with all his might. That, together, they could be enough to defy fate and logic and reason. That he would fight for her—make the world stop for her, if that’s what it took for them to be together even if it were only for one more night.
But none of that would help them. None of that was for the best. And they both knew it. Ultimately Cullen closed his mouth. His brows turned up slightly in the middle. His eyes held all the sadness in the world as he accepted her words for what they were.
In the end, she’d been right. Whatever he felt for her wasn’t enough to make him fight for her.
“We have to work together, still,” Eira continued when she knew her voice would be stable. When her disappointment that he hadn’t said anything wouldn’t bleed into her words and betray her. She didn’treallywant him to put up a fight becausethis was for the best. She knew it was.
So why did everything hurt? She needed more time to come to terms with this. But the tournament was beginning today, whether she was ready for it or not, so Eira was on a crash course to trying to be a better person. Stronger.
“I know,” he said softly, eyes dropping to her lips. It took every fiber of her being not to lean toward him. To kiss him just so she could remember how he tasted one last time. “I just—it’s just—I want…” She allowed him to fumble and for the words to hang. Eira waited for Cullen to exhaust himself on hope until only practicality remained—just as she had done. “Is this really what you want?”
“It doesn’t matter what we want, not anymore.” Eira shook her head. “We have to work, and live, and fight for people other than ourselves.” He had to focus on Lavette, and his father. She had to focus on Ulvarth. And they both needed to work on finding themselves. “So, friends?”
He dipped his chin. “Friends.” One word had never been so dejected, so helpless.
“Good.” Eira forced a smile. It was slight and nowhere close to sincere. She was certain he could see right through it. But it was the best she could offer him and Eira hoped it was somewhere close to optimistic. “Now, I need to begin getting ready for the tournament.”
She moved around him, starting for the door. With every step, her bones rattled. Eira brought her hands in front of her, squeezing and releasing her fingers so he didn’t see them trembling.
Ending all hope of anything between them had been the right decision. There was no future with Cullen; there never had been. At least it had ended quickly.
“One more thing.”
She stopped in her tracks. Fingers still trembling despite herself, she looked back to him. Cullen hadn’t moved. Eira was grateful. She didn’t know if she could continue to be strong if he tried to pull her into his arms. She was so close to giving in. It would be dangerously easy to allow herself to be comforted by him. She wouldn’t have the strength to resist him any longer if he touched her again.
“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”
As soon as he asked, she looked away. The words were like a searing needle piercing the raw wound that still gaped down the center of her chest.
“Even if you believe that we are not meant to be as lovers. As friends.Canyou forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted to herself and him.
Pain flashed through his eyes. But Eira gave Cullen credit that he didn’t object or fight. He let her speak.
“I want to tell you yes,” she admitted. “But I can’t, Cullen. Not yet.” Speaking her rationale aloud would hopefully prevent himfrom trying to fight her further on it. But she also hoped that it would underscore for her why this choice needed to be made. “You were too careless with my heart for me to just sweep this away in a day or give in to the easy path.”
Cullen deflated some. “I…I see that now.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“What you meant to do isn’t really relevant anymore. Youdidhurt me. Deeply.”
“I’m sorry.”
