Her mouth stretched into a thin, bitter smile. “Will you?”
“I will.”
“If it’s something you can change, then why didn’t you before the ball?” she couldn’t stop herself from asking. “Why didn’t you when your father first suggested the arrangement to you?” Which she was certain was some time ago.
“There hasn’t been time.” He glanced askance.
“Ah, only time enough to crawl into my bed.” Her words were direct and cold. As sharp as the pain she felt. “Was I just a comfort to you? Something to smooth over the wait before your wedding night?”
He grabbed her shoulders without warning. She braced herself, holding his biceps. Their faces close, almost touching. He wanted to kiss her. She could see it in his eyes as keenly as she could feel her body wanting to respond. Even here…even now. She hated how much she still wanted him. Love didn’t happen overnight and it seemed it couldn’t be quelched overnight, either.
“You weren’t ever ‘just’ anything. You were becomingeverything. I came to you that night to show you how serious I was—so you would know, no matter what happened, that I loved you. I knew you would find out and, when you did, I wanted you to know you had nothing to worry about.”
He said it all with such sincerity that Eira believed every word. He genuinely had thought that the way he had acted had been the right course. She shook her head with a soft chuckle.
“How are you so smart but make such, such foolish choices?” Eira pushed him away. “You knew I would find out, and you slept with mebecauseof that?” She tried to make sense of it.
“Yes! I wanted you to know I was sworn to you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Spare me.”
“Eira, I mean it.” His tone stilled her. It was wounded and sincere. Cullen gripped his shirt over his chest as though he physically ached. As if they shared one pain split between two bodies. “I thought you knew me… I would never,neverdo that if I wasn’t swearing myself to someone. I’d never be that cruel, or heartless to anyone, but especially not you…never you. All I wanted was a night together where I could show you beyond all doubt that I loved you.”
Eira opened and closed her mouth, trying to make sense of his logic. Perhaps if she squinted and tilted her head and looked through a hazy mirror she couldalmostsee his point of view. But, even then, it couldn’t be more wrong.
“I’ve spent the entire day feeling used.”
“I only ever wanted to make you happy.”
“Does this look like happiness?” She gestured at herself, as if he could see the gaping wound split down the middle of her chest.
“No.” His face twisted slightly. “And it is an agony worse than any I have ever known to see you like this, knowing I’m the cause.”
“Don’t make this about your pain!” She thrust out her pointer finger, jabbing him in the chest, collapsing the space between them once more. Push and pull. They needed to be apart and yet kept coming back together. “You are the one who hurt me.”
His hands framed her face. She found herself unable to pull away, trapped by his shining, unyielding stare and the warmth of his ragged breaths, moments away from tears. “I know, and I’m so sorry.”
Three words and she almost broke. Three words that she needed to hear, so plainly. So earnestly.
But…
“Thank you for finally saying so,” she whispered, her hand falling limp at her side. “But it’s not enough.”
“I still love you.” His voice lowered as well. Half-lidded. The tip of his nose almost brushed against hers, as if challenging her to damn the consequences.
“I know. But you can’t. We can’t.” Eira shook her head. It was her turn to look away, her turn to not be able to handle his probing stare. “This all happened so fast, Cullen. We rushed right in and—”
“It happened fast because it wasright.”
“Not right enough for you to stand up to your father for us,” she reminded herself, and him.
“That’s not how things are done in families like mine.” His voice deepened slightly with frustration.
Families likehis. Noble families. Families who had their appearances put together with children who didn’t murder or get murdered. Not likeherfamily.
“Our emperor married a commoner.” She brought her eyes back to his as hope tried to make its comeback. Eira’s voice had gone soft as well. “If he could do it—”
“Aldrik was aprince. At the end of the day, princes can do as they please. They hold the gold, the loyalty of the people…and Vhalla was a war hero and first Windwalker returned.”
