I’ve been there for her despite her ignoring me, I’ve done everything I possibly can to prove that we can get through this, including re-fucking-decorating this home, starting with the dining area, changing it, and clearing out the bad fucking memories.
I won’t fucking lose her.
I sigh as I kneel in front of my son and give him a sad smile.
“Not for another seven, maybe eight weeks, bud, he needs time to develop the abilities to regulate his body temperature, feed, and breathe on his own, which he can’t just yet because he was born too early,” I say softly, not willing to lie to him.
While yes, Tyson is doing well, he is still a premature baby and he has steps to overcome before we can bring him home.
“Can I go see him every day?” he asks quietly, and I nod.
“Of course, bud,” I promise before I lean up and press my lips against his head and rasp, “I love you, son.”
“I love you too, Dad,” he whispers back and closes his eyes, and I take a deep breath before standing, knowing I need to go speak with my wife. She has spent the whole evening giving her entire attention to Cole, adamant he doesn’t feel left out.
I quietly walk out of his room, giving him one last look before I shut his door and go down the curved staircase Ash said she wanted when we were fifteen as a joke, but I carried it out to make her smile every time she walks on them.
I look in the not even half done yet living area and tense, not seeing her on the couch where I fucking left her. I head to the kitchen to ensure she isn’t washing the plates from dinner. My jaw ticks as I see them drying on the draining board before I look out into the yard, the gazebo fairy lights lit up, her silhouette just visible.
My shoulders drop with relief, and I walk out the door and head over to her.
She doesn’t look away from the yard as I climb the steps or even when I take a seat next to her, putting the blanket she has over her over my lap as well and wrapping my arm around her. She continues to look out into the yard, and I drop my head back as Ginger jumps up and curls up beside me like he isn’t on my shit list.
Damn cat, he’s a menace.
“Your cat scratched the shit out of the dining table,” I mutter, closing my eyes, enjoying having her this close again, my body fucking exhausted.
“He’s just marking his territory,” she whispers, and I move my head to the side and peek at her to see her attention on me.
“It’s the three thousand dollar one you chose five years ago when you mentioned redecorating, but I just didn’t have the time with the club and tattoo shop,” I mention, and her eyes widen as she looks at the cat with shock, “He also pissed on the new rug in the dining room.”
“Oops,” she winces, and I snort, moving my head back again and closing my eyes.
I’ve barely fucking slept, and despite Tank going with the club last week to meet up with the Untamed, life is still stressful as fuck without the club run.
I don’t know how to function right now.
“Who is with Tyson?” Ashley asks after about ten minutes of silence, only Ginger’s purring can be heard.
“Mama and Dad,” I admit, and she hums in approval.
“Olive is trying to make amends,” she says, and I agree, “She is, she feels guilty over how she treated you and even had your property patch cleaned, ready for you to wear again. Though if you asked me, I would have told you not to take it off to begin with.”
“Wearing it wouldn’t have stopped you from straying, Ty,” she whispers, and I flinch involuntarily.
It doesn’t matter what excuses there were or what caused what I did. I still did it, and she’s struggling to forgive…
“I’m never going to be able to take back what I did, Ash,” I finally say after not knowing how to start this conversation as I look at her, our eyes connecting, sparks fucking flying everywhere with the connection we have. The connection I have felt since I was Cole’s age. “I’ll never be able to wipe it from your memory, the brothers will never be able to change the fact they didn’t have your back because of the patch. I can’t change that I felt like I was missing out when I wasn’t. I can’t change the fact I never confronted you, that I didn’t get Dirty involved when I thought you were having an affair,” I choke, “I’m never going to be able to stop the fucking gut wrenching guilt I feel every single day for what I have done to you, to our son, to us. But I can show you every day that I love you, I can show you every single day that you will always come first, that our kids will be my priority over the club, that I’ll never look at another woman again,” I lean forward and cup her cheek, “I can show you that I want to grow old with you, only you, no one else because baby, no one even comes close to comparing to you and what we had – have!”
Her tears fall and they fucking break me, they make my thoughts go to the dark places I’m trying to stay out of…
“I can’t forget,” she whispers, her tears falling so fast my thumb can’t wipe them all away. “I’ll never be able to forget, and I hurt so goddamn much,” she chokes, “I feel like I can’t breathe. I chose to get with that-that rapist, my fucking rapist, knowing my body repelled him. Just so I could the myself from feeling this pain that is so deep I can’t breathe, Tyler. I was never enough.
“You were enough,” I instantly disagree with her, “You were always enough, Ash. I didn’t see what I had in front of me until I lost you, and I knew I messed up that badly I tried to kill myself.”
She flinches, then slowly closes her eyes as her tears continue to fall.
We should be happy, celebrating even because we brought another beautiful baby boy into the world, and instead we’re rehashing her wanting to leave me because I had an affair.
