It doesn’t matter that I thought she had one, it doesn’t matter that I always pictured her and never caught feelings for that bitch. I fucked someone else, I broke us by not trusting her, and gave into my teenage urge to see what I was missing like a fucking idiot.
“Please don’t leave me, pixie,” I plead, and she looks at me, and I beg, “Don’t leave me, don’t allow what I did ruin us, ruin our future, our family. Hit me, scream at me, scold me, fuck, wreck my bike for all I care, my tattoo room, even tattoo dick across my forehead or even cheater, but please don’t leave me. Don’t allow the darker side of me to come out just so you can’t leave because I will go down that route, Ash, you know I will because of how much I fucking love you.”
My heart is pounding, my stomach tightening with fear.
If I have to lock her in the house, she’ll hate me even more, but I won’t let her leave me.
“I don’t trust you anymore,” she whispers, and I swear, I feel like I’ve just been fucking gutted.
I squeeze her cheek tighter, needing to get my fucking point across. I lean my forehead against hers, keeping our eyes connected, so she can see my fear. I choke, “I know you’ve lost your trust in me,” I lay a gentle kiss on her warm, pillowy lips, and I plead, “Don’t leave me, Ashley, fucking please don’t leave me. I can't survive without you, I made so many mistakes but please don’t make me walk this earth without you.”
A sob rips from her throat, and I gently grab her hips and lift her on my lap. Her face goes into my neck and she cries, “I don’t know how I can forgive you, how I-I can stay…” And I hold hertighter to me, my left arm wrapped around her body, my right hand in her hair as I hold her to me, and my tears fall.
I hate myself, I fucking hate myself that I’ve done this to her, to us.
I don’t know how long we stay in this position, but after a while, Ash’s breathing has evened out, and I hold her tighter, scared to let her go, scared she’ll fucking disappear after she cried herself to sleep.
I’ll stay out here all night with her if it means she stays like this.
My phone buzzes, and I swallow hard as I gently grab it from my pocket, careful not to jolt my wife, though she is a deep sleeper and I answer without looking at the screen, my eyes firmly on my sleeping wife.
“Yeah?” I answer quietly.
“Willie has taken over watch on Tyson. I need to get your mama home before she beats the shit out of the nurses that kept eyeing me up,” Dad states, and I half-smile as I gently rub my fingers on Ash’s scalp.
“Thanks for letting me know, Dad,” I croak, my voice raw.
“What’s happened?” he instantly asks, his back clearly up.
“She wants to leave me, Dad, and I don’t know how to stop her without confining her to the house until she sees reason,” I admit quietly, and Dad sighs.
“She’s hurting, son,” Dad whispers, “Even before Hazel said crap, she was only willing to try so you could co-parent, you know this, you just have to keep fighting. She loves you —we can all see it. Just like she misses all the brothers, she needs to work through her pain and anger but Tyler, don’t mistake the loss of trust. It’ll be hard for you when you finally win her back, and you will, but she won’t trust anything you say, she won’t trust you around other women, heck, she might not even trust you at the clubhouse, so be prepared to fight for her son.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to have her forgiveness, Dad,” I whisper in return, and he reminds me, “You also need to forgive yourself. While everything you did was completely wrong, it took two to break your marriage down. She didn’t confide in you because she listened to a lie in her time of need. Try and forgive yourself, son.”
My tears fall again, and even though I know I can’t ever forgive myself for what I did, I mumble, “Thanks, Dad…”
“I’ll get Cole in the morning, son, bring him to school. I’ll see you tomorrow, try and get some rest,” he says before hanging up.
I drop my phone on the bench next to me making the cat jump and Ginger glares at it before putting his head on top of it, making me roll my eyes despite the tears. I wrap both arms around Ash and hold her close as I press my face against her head and close my eyes.
Having a year-long affair isn’t something I’m willing to forgive myself for, no matter what Dad says, I’m the one in the wrong. I always will be for touching another woman, but unfortunately for Ash, I’m too fucking selfish to let her go.
Chapter 29
Ashley – Three Weeks Later
The beeping surrounds the room as I watch Tyson who is now weighing a whopping five pounds three ounces slowly move his hand and my bottom lip wobbles. The urge to grab him so high but I know I can’t, not until the nurses are finished with their handover and they give the okay. Just sitting here, not able to pick him up yet, is killing me.
The first time I held him, I sobbed the whole fricking time while Tyler stayed kneeling next to us, and since then, every chance I get, I’m holding him. I need that bond with him ready for when he gets discharged, which hopefully will be sooner rather than later. They’ve already turned down his oxygen…
I hear a shuffle behind me, but I don’t turn around, knowing it’s only Scar.
I don’t speak much to the brothers, haven’t stepped foot back inside the clubhouse, though there is always one with me when I leave. Literally seconds after I’m pulling up to the gate to go, a brother is trailing behind me, whether it’s when I’m taking Cole to school or at the hospital. A brother is always with me and I’m not stupid as to why.
Tyler believes I’m going to run.
He can’t be with me twenty-four-seven, not with the tattoo shop being busy and club business, and he clearly doesn’t trust the prospects to stop me from house hunting. He has reason, I guess, because I have one foot out of the door, ready to run.
