“That’s the thing, Ari! Is that you can’t imagine because I never told youhalfthe shit that happened that year. You didn’t see how things were, you didn’t see how she was tonight, you didn’t seeanyof it and you don’t know how fucking bad it was. Why the hell do you think you guys found me on those train tracks over break? Because ofher! Because of her and all the fucking shit she said to me every day. Everysinglefuckingday!”
“I get that she was a bitch to you. I know she tormented you for an entire year and I hate her for it, I hate hersomuch, but that doesn’t mean you can fucking kill her!”
“I’m sorry.”
Too much was going on. Guilt. Shame. Regret. So many things at once and I couldn’t push any of them away.
“Stop being so harsh,” Dennis told her.“You didn’t hear what that girl was saying.”
“What was she saying?” Sean asked, looking at me while I held back tears.
“Please don’t,”I begged.“I can’t hear it again. I don’t wanna hear any of it again.” I took a step back as Mateo walked in from the hall. My heart sank at the way he was looking at me. All of them. They were all staring at me like I was about to break.
“If you were there, you would understand,” Dennis continued.“If you heard any of it… I wanted to rip her throat out, but Vixen did it first.”
“I understand, but I don’t care.”Ari’s voice was controlled but livid.“You took it too far, Emy. I’m sure I would’ve wanted to kill her too, but the difference is I wouldn’t. Kick her ass, take her blood, do whatever the shit you want, but unless it was legitimate self-defense, she shouldn’t be dead.”
“I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t mean to—”
“Socontrolit, Emery! It’s not that fucking hard!”
“But it is for me! I can’t control this, you don’t understand. The bipolar—”
“No,” she cut me off, “don’t say that. Donotuse that right now. Bipolar disorder does not equate to murder. It doesn’t excuse it, this isnotokay. I know it’s harder for you and I totally get it, but when you get to the point of murdering people—actualmurder—it becomes somethingentirelydifferent. You can’t keep wandering through life letting any goddamn thing happen the second your mood gets thrown off. How many times have I told you to call Dr. Kelsey lately? Huh? And you keep refusing because ‘you’re fine’? This is exactly why I was worried! You’re not fine. I don’t know if you need a meds adjustment or what, but something needs to change because this isn’t working—”
“Ari, you can stop now,” Sean said.“You’re going too far.”
“She needs to hear this.” She turned back to me, but I was already shaking my head.“You need to hear this, Emy.”
“I don’t—”
“You need to fucking hear this!”
“No I fucking don’t!” I covered my ears as hard as I could. I was trying to block her out but I couldn’t, trying to make it all go away because it was too much and I couldn’t take it.
“You need to hear this for your own fucking good!” Ari was pulling my hands while I kept them up.“Emery, stop! I’m trying to help and you know it!” She kept trying, but I kept them clamped tight. She finally yanked them away and I covered my mouth instead, holding back a whimper.
This was completely my fault.
“Is this really the best time to lecture her?” Dennis was still holding onto me and I was trying to deafen the screams that were coming back so loud and so angry.
“This is theonlytime, because the second she’s better, she’s gonna refuse to acknowledge this and forget it even happened.”
“I won’t! I promise I won’t. I won’t forget any of it—”
“But youwill, Emy! You fucking will! You say the same shit every single time things get bad, and then you get happy again and it becomes a big fucking joke to you, which is normally fine except this time you actually took a life. Please, Emy, for the love of fuck justlet me help you—”
“Ari, stop! I can’t take this right now! Please,pleasejust fucking stop!”
“No, Emy! You’re not getting it! No matter how many times I say it, youneverunderstand. You don’t even realize what you’re doing half the time! You’re always off in your own little fairytale blocking reality when you need to fucking grow up! You don’t realize what’s happening when you’re manic, you refuse help when you’re depressed, you won’t even discuss things when you’re stable because you think ‘it’s all good’ and you’ll be fine but now look what’s happened! Do younotsee a problem here?”
“I can’t help it!” I yelled, finally breaking down.“I can’t fucking help it! Do you really think I wanna be like this? Do youreallythink I’m doing this shit on purpose? Do youreallyfuckingthink I wanna be mentally ill and have to take a goddamn medication to keep myself sane for the rest of my fucking life? Because Idon’t, Ari! I don’t! I don’t wanna have kids because I don’t wanna pass this shit ontothem, I don’t wanna be around you guys because I don’t want you to have to deal with it and I don’t wanna get help because I’m not fucking worth it! I’m a freak and I know it! Everyone knows it, but I can’t fucking help it!”
“No one thinks you’re a freak except that dumb irrelevant bitch, but that still doesn’t change the fact that this is not okay. It’s not fucking okay and you need to get a handle on yourself before this shit happens again!”
“You know I can’t help it, so what thefuckdo you want me to do?”
“I don’t know, but you’re gonna have to figure it out. You need to get your shit together, because you’re never gonna survive like this.”
