His words were lightning that shot adrenaline into my chest. “What—”
He cut me off, his words were so smooth and comforting, I knew he was genuine. “That war needed to end. I’m glad it’s over and that I was able to help, but maybe our agreement can be sorted out another way. What do you think?” A worried brow pinched between his eyes as he regarded my face as if he was peeling away my secrets.
Icouldn’treply. A yes would mean I lied to him, and a no would mean I was still lying. That slight quiver in my chest took it upon itself to swell four times bigger and rumbled around as if it had sprouted wings and was about to take flight. Being put on the spot like this wasn’t fair.
I had done what was asked of me!
He lightly squeezed my hand, pressing, “There is something that’s bothering you. I can’t see what it is, but I have watched the spark in your eyes dwindle more each day, and I’m not going to lie to myself and say you are okay. So, if I’m not going to lie, I expect you not to lie.”
I inhaled, trying to frame all my words in perfect context. I couldn’t hint that I was ungrateful because he had done so much good. He had to know I tried. I didn’t go into this unwillingly. I tried and I prayed, and I begged for this to work. No matter how hard I argued with my heart to believe this is what I wanted, my heart was just not hearing it.
There’s no respectable way to tell someone you can’t love them the way they love you.
This should have been stopped so much earlier, back when I was repulsed by him. It would have been so much easier then. Now, I’d seen what an honest man he was, and it made this somuch harder, but he didn’t deserve a wife who didn’t love him. He deserved someone who loved him for . . . him. Tears welled in my eyes, as I connected my thoughts that brought me back to Reeves. My thoughts always brought me back to Reeves, and that simple plea he had for me.Wait for someone who loves you for you.Easier said than done. How long can people wait?
As I looked back at Jon, my gaze settled on fine gray strands of hair blended into his beard. They didn’t make him unattractive, but told the truth of his age. Suddenly, I had a new thought. Jon was older, alone most of his life.He settled for me.
I licked my lips, bringing agility back to them, and sat up straighter. “Why did you pick me?”
Without even a flinch, he spoke in an even voice, “Dear, I’ve told you before, I was enamored with your spirit.”
“You have told me that, but it’s never really made sense to me.”
“What is this about?” His gaze shifted around the room, as if he was looking for something to help clear up his confusion. “Do you not believe I’m sincere?”
“You are sincere.” My voice was growing stronger as I saw so clearly where everything had gone wrong. This wasn’t about the war, or Father, or even me. Something had gone wrong with him, not believing he could wait for the perfect person. He had to know I didn’t love him the way he wanted. I never returned his kisses, and returned to my suite as soon as dinner was over, never requesting an extra moment with him. He’s not stupid. “I’m going to be honest with you, and please don’t pretend to be shocked, but we both know Ruenella was the better fit for you. She’s quiet, and loves to read, dress up, and have fancy dinners. She’s nothing like me, but everything like you. Why not her?”
“I’ve met plenty of Runellas in my life.” He shook his head, physically rejecting the suggestions. “There’s nothing wrong with them. Beautiful. Elegant. A bit of a romantic spirit.” His gaze lowered to his hand still holding mine. His grip remainedtender, not stiffening the slightest. “But that is where the issue lies. She yearns for romantic love. The kind filled with flowers, and all the things of novels. Often, that love is selfish.” His eyes found mine, and were unwavering as he went on, “I could see right through you. You couldn’t be fooled into that. Romantic love is not your thing. You are that rare person who is capable of unselfish love.”
My brows beaded together, as I was deeply suspicious of his explanation. This was completely new to me. “How do you know that?”
He raised a brow up, deepening the lines on his forehead. “You didn’t place conditions on anything. You gave up your life in your own country, to save your country.” He held up a finger. “That’s the truest love. If you have that, a couple can survive anything because the romantic love will die, and without the sacrificial love to take over, the bond of the couple will die as well.”
He lifted my hand again, but this time my knuckle was shaking. He dropped one more kiss, letting his lips linger longer than usual before he placed my hand on my lap. “I’m not the monster you think I am. Perhaps in another lifetime, you could have loved me. But I can see this isn’t about me. You are heartsick aboutsomeone.” He blinked. He never deliberately blinks or fidgets when he speaks, but he blinked, and pulled up a tear. He’d always been affectionate with me, but never outwardly emotional. The tear had that knot lodged back in my throat so fast, I was gasping for air, and blinking back my own tears.
He took one step back, away from my bed, and whispered, “I love you enough to let you go.”
twenty-one
Reeves
Wearing jeans ripped in the knee the honest way, from hard work and long days, I hopped out of my tractor, and wiped the sweat that never receded off my neck. It was early spring, but a heat wave moved in, and I scrambled to get my sunflowers in.
I couldn’t stand the sight of this field from my window. It reminded me of Erralee, and I refused to reminisce. After consulting with Weston, who really didn’t seem to have much expertise in farming to weigh my decision, I filled the field with sunflower seeds with the goal of bringing color back to this spot. I think Weston’s go ahead might have been more about me needing to move on, than grow anything that made money, but either way, the flowers got planted.
One thing I know, God has a funny sense of humor. When I planted this field, I started close to my house, trying to fill it in the most orderly way. Wouldn’t you know it, I ran out of seed right when I got to the end—Erralee’s spot. I could have easily gone to town and bought more seed, but God had another idea. He left me a perfect little dugout at the sunflowers’ edge, andI wouldn’t want it any other way. I can’t see this spot from my house anymore, as the flowers camouflage it, but it’s there if I ever need a good thinking spot.
I often thought about how I had tried to teach Erralee how to face her fears. My whole thing about when it’s the scariest, that’s when you jump. It’s weird but now with hindsight, I think she was the one helping me, more than I had assisted her.
It’s funny how I came to this small town, thinking war was the most inhumane thing a person could experience. I knew now God had sent me Erralee for a purpose. To teach me that no matter where I was in life, there was always more profound hurt. Someone always has it worse. That fact becomes a good reason to not dwell or get stuck on your own sorrows.
I didn’t even have nightmares about the war anymore. Now, I struggled with my heartache of finding that perfect person I wasn’t allowed to love.
That’s a fact I’d never get over.
It wasn’t fair.
I wasn’t going to lie, I made me tired.
