“Say what?” I stiffened, afraid I had done something wrong.
“Lots of kids giggling.” He chuckled as if he knew he was the last person to solve a punchline. “For a second I thought you were serious.”
My lips parted, but no words came out. He was the one who had insisted from the beginning on having an heir. Why would this bother him now? My tiny heart which had been fighting so hard to be strong, cinched together, wringing out the last speck of hope I had been holding onto. Without a family of my own, I’d be stuck in these stone walls withering away. I’d have nothing to look forward to anymore.
His eyes hovered over mine, studious as if he was trying to find the placement of a puzzle piece. After a beat, he tilted his head a measure toward me and said softly, “You can’t be serious. I’m almost fifty. I only want one child, a boy. He’ll be strong and smart. We’ll send him to boarding school because I really don’t care to be bothered with the little kid stages.”
I held my breath, waiting for my heart to pound harder into the heartbreak, but it stilled. It was as hushed as the walls around me. It had returned to its stillness. A reverie lingered with Jon’s eyes still locked on me, widening as if he was getting sickened by something. “Erralee,” he repeated firmly. “You’re joking about the big family, right?”
Slowly I raised my chin and brought it back down. “Yes, of course I was.” A mirage of Reeves flashed in front of my face, telling me that family had to be the best part of life. Why did I have to learn that detail about Reeves? It’s like my brain held onto the memory just to taunt me that there was yet another thing that I didn’t have in common with my fiancé, but one more thing that lined up perfectly with Reeves.
Reeves was not in my mission.
The following day, Mavis was in my room most of the day, preparing me for the homecoming celebration tonight. “Boy, whoever took your measurements needs glasses.” Mavis tugged at the zipper of my gown, doing her best to cinch it tight, but the gown nearly slipped right off me, even once it was fully zipped. “Have you lost weight?”
I stared forward into the full-length mirror, gazing at my body. I hadn’t noticed physical changes, but now that she’d pointed it out, I did look quite skinny. My collar bone protruded, and my high cheekbones looked incredibly gaunt. “Maybe.” I offered a light toss of the shoulder.
“I will get my sewing kit and add a few stitches, or this gown will never stay up.” She took a step back and motioned to the chair. “You look quite frail. Why don’t you sit until I get back.”
I pivoted slightly, my eyes fleeing to the balcony where I could hear the wild birds sing. I reached my hand to finger the dangling pendant on my choker as I recalled Weston’s note to me. It didn’t seem like an accident that his warning to remain true to my feral-bird self, rang so clearly right now. Shuddering, I tried to shake the image, but I had never felt more like a caged bird in my life, living in these fortress-like walls. My airway tightened with the need to see outside now more than ever. “I’m going to step outside for some air.”
“Very well.” Mavis stepped forward to finally leave me in my own privacy. “I’ll be right back.”
I took several heavy steps, each one drawing more strength from my core than the last, and before I could stop it, my knees buckled, and my mind went blank.
Moments later, Jon’s voice boomed from somewhere in the room, announcing his arrival. “What happened?” His normal speaking tone carried the weight of his strength, but the way his words rumbled out this time, I felt them all the way into my bones.
“She’s passed out,” Mavis’s voice wafted from somewhere above me.
A set of strong arms cradled me, lifting me up and placing me on my bed’s soft surface. “Here’s some smelling oil.” Mavis’s voice preceded pungent fumes of peppermint, and my lashes finally fluttered open.
My lips parted, but Jon quickly placed a finger on them. “Just rest.” He shifted his gaze to Mavis. “She’s pale as the linen. What has she eaten today?”
“I’m not sure. I had a tray delivered for lunch, but when I came back to retrieve it, it appeared she had only taken the tea.”
Jon ran his hand over my forehead, and even though I had gotten used to the dryness of his broad palm, I didn’t feel comfort. “She’s very cold.”
My vision was blurry, but I could see Mavis and Jon move around me, adding more blankets. “What’s going on with this dress,” Jon asked Mavis with obvious annoyance. “It’s nearly hanging off her.”
“That was worrisome to me too. She had her measurement taken for the dress only weeks ago, but it seems like she’s lost a significant amount of weight.”
I didn’t enjoy the way they hovered over me, but I also didn’t have the strength to insist I was fine. “Mavis, can you give us a moment. Perhaps call the doctor and bring her some fruit, or something else fresh.” Jon’s voice had turned soft and dithering,unlike any sound I’d heard. His gaze held onto her until the door was closed.
I didn’t think it was possible for a face to be more concerned, but his lips descended another notch, and he looked me straight in the eye. “My dear, if I ask you what’s wrong can you be honest with me?”
I forced a light shrug. “I must be tired.”
“Of course, you’re worn out. It looks like you haven’t eaten in months. Your appearance has drastically changed since the first time I met you. Although I’m not complaining as you’re still the most beautiful woman to me, I would be a fool to believe that you aren’t suffering. It would behoove you to just be honest with me now. Are you heartsick about something?”
A small quiver shook my chest at the thought that he might be unhappy with this arrangement. I’d been doing everything I could to convince him—and myself—that this marriage was going to be fine, better than fine. Amazing. “I think it’s the excitement of the wedding and all. Once it’s all settled, I’m sure I’ll feel stronger.” As if to prove my point, I pressed my palms into the mattress and forced myself to a seated position.
The deep lines of his forehead creased all the way to his hairline. “I know you’ve been under stress, but I can’t pretend I don’t see what’s happening.”
My lips parted, but I didn’t interrupt. His hand gently grabbed mine, and he brought it to his lips the way he always did, dropping a kiss on each finger and continued holding my hand in his. His gaze hovered on my hand for the longest moment, and he raised the most heart-stopping question. “Would you argue with me if I let you go?”
My eyes brimmed wide, and I rushed to stutter, “W-what do you mean?”
“If I said that I cared about you too much to watch you lose yourself in our marriage. I am willing to let you go, would you refuse?”
