“He didn’t act like it,” Charlie replied softly.
“I just sent you the address and the directions to DJ’s marker. Do you want me to meet you there?” Stassi asked.
“Thanks, Stass. No, I’m good,” Charlie replied.
“I understand why you’re mad; just remember the circumstances,” Stassi added. “Call me later. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It didn’t surprise Charlie that DJ’s grave was only twenty minutes from their home. She could see Demi insisting that he be buried close. She grabbed the book from her passenger seat and climbed out of the car. The snow was above her ankles as she made her way across the lawn until she found DJ’s resting place.
The magnitude of his death overwhelmed her as she stared at his tombstone.
The most loving son,Charlie read the words on his marker silently as her eyes watered.
She leaned down and placed the book in front of his grave, leaning it on his name.
“I’m so sorry, DJ. I wish I had tried harder to connect with you. I wish I got to know you more. I wish you knew that I loved you. I never told you because it didn’t feel like that was okay, or that you would be comfortable receiving that from me, but you were a very cool kid.” She scoffed and smiled. “You made your daddy so happy and so proud. I loved how light he was whenever you were around. I wish you were here to see your baby sister. I’ll make sure this baby knows you. So many people miss you, DJ. I miss you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you this much.”
The sound of crunching snow pulled her attention, and Charlie turned to find Lauren pulling next to her car.
She rolled her eyes. “Great,” she mumbled as she pulled her coat tighter and watched Lauren approach.
“What are you doing here?” Lauren asked.
“I was just paying my respects,” Charlie said. “I’m leaving, don’t worry.”
Lauren sighed and shook her head. “You can stay; it’s fine.” Lauren noticed the book and picked it up.
“I bought it before all this happened. It just felt right to still give it to him,” Charlie explained.
Lauren nodded and placed the book back.
“He would have really loved being a big brother,” Lauren admitted.
“Even if the baby came from me?” Charlie asked. “I was kind of afraid he’d hate us both.”
Lauren laughed. “I would have hated you both. He would have loved you both. He tried to love you,” Lauren whispered. “I think he tried hard not to like you because he knew it would hurt me. That was unfair to you. To him, too. Thank you for coming to see him. I worry that now that the funeral is over, I’m going to be the only one to remember him.”
“Demi will never forget him, Lo,” Charlie whispered passionately. “He could never forget him. That boy was his world.”
Lauren nodded because if she spoke, she would cry, and she didn’t want to cry again.
“I feel like karma is hitting me right now,” Charlie whispered. “I broke up your marriage only for Demi to come right back to you. In the big moments of his life, he’s going to run back to you. That’s the price I have to pay for dealing with a married-ass man in the first place. You have the power to take him back, and now I’m pregnant and terrified to raise this baby alone.”
“It feels great to have Demi’s support, Charlie. I won’t lie to you about that part, but he doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him. I do want him in my life, though. I do want to make sure we keep our son’s memory relevant. I don’t want him to go away like DJ never existed.”
“I don’t want that either,” Charlie whispered.
“So how do we make this work?” Lauren asked.
Charlie scoffed. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to watch you with him. Neither of you understand. It’s like you don’t see how perfect the picture looks.”
“Charlie the picture is bullshit. It looks perfect because we practiced that shit for a lot of years!” Lauren shouted inexasperation. Lauren knew how to pull her shit together. She knew how to make a bitch jealous. She knew how to make the public buy a story, and how to set the table of her life so that she never looked deprived. She put on productions for a living. She and Demi’s entire marriage had been a long public performance. They had safeguarded it from the media for years. Of course, they looked good together. It didn’t mean they should be together, but she understood how it appeared to the outsiders. “Putting on a front. Never letting the media see us crack. Marriage is a business, and we handled our shit very well. I know how to operate in that space with Demi. I know how to handle our business. But the passion. The shit that takes your breath away. We never had that, and I want that. He has that with you, and you’re talking about some shit that’s hard to watch. That is what’s hard to witness. And Demi ain’t coming up off you, so that fear of raising this baby alone? You might as well save that one because he’s not that type of man.”
“I just don’t know about him,” Charlie said. “I don’t like feeling like I’m measuring up behind you.”
“That sounds like a Charlie problem. Not a Demi problem,” Lauren said, shrugging.
