He said, “Can I ask you a question now? Where did you go? You weren’t answering me, and you didn’t tell anyone. I kept thinking you would come back any minute until I logged in andsaw your request for PTO in the portal. That’s when I was like, oh shit, the kidleft.”
Sickly sweet hibiscus, gleaming surfaces, opulent upholstery, and terrible advice filled my memory. I laughed despite myself.
“I went to a honeymoon resort in Mexico.”
“Wait, what?” He laughed. “Why in the hell would you do that?”
“It was the next flight to somewhere with a beach. And the resort was the first one I found that took points. Almost point-bankrupted me. I still haven’t recovered.” I laughed. So did Alec.
“That’s… how was it? Was it nice, at least?”
“I guess? But after what happened, and all the happy couples around, it just made me feel like shit. Want to know the worst part?”
“Very much.”
“I only got to sit on the beach for like an hour, in the shade, and not even in a lounge chair. It was fucking awful.”
“You know what, that makes me feel better.” He laughed so hard he put his drink down to keep from spilling.
“Thanks, asshole,” I said, laughing in mock offense. “It was a dark time for me.”
“Me too. But I bet mine was worse.”
“How so?”
“I just pictured you sleeping with dozens of people. Guys, girls, young, old, hot, ugly—didn’t matter. After rejecting the idea of a serious relationship, I wassureyour bed would be a carousel.”
“It wasn’t,” I laughed. “But there was a spring break type place right next door. I looked, but nothing interested me.”
“Can’t blame you. I didn’t even look at my dick for a month.” We laughed, but my cheeks heated at the mention of his dick. “I hope you at least had some fun.”
“I did not.” I laughed.
“It can’t have been all bad? The scenery had to be beautiful?”
“Whatever you’re picturing in your mind, trust me, it was ten times worse. I met this guy who…”
I didn’t think of Chucky often, but when I did, it made me sick. What would have happened if he had been alone at the bar that morning? What if I got a buzz and couldn’t see him for what he was? Or realize the depths of his flawed worldview? I might never have seen the difference between solitude and self-obsessed isolation. And I wouldn’t have been sitting there talking to Alec, that’s for damn sure.
“You met a guy? I thought you didn’t sleep with anyone? Or were you like me and failed to close?”
He was being flippant. I didn’t know how to respond, other than to recoil at the suggestion of having sex with Chucky.
“Ew, no.” I grimaced, making Alec laugh. “We just talked one night. He had some fucked-up viewpoints that I almost agreed with.”
“Almost?” His brow rose. “What were they?”
“Nah. Just like… he was this eternal bachelor who said he didn’t need anyone. But I realized he didn’t crave freedom. He was just self-involved. And then I realized that’s what I was. Selfish and scared.”
“I wouldn’t say that. You were just immature, and it was wrong of me to do what I did. The whole situation was so fucked up, and that’s all my fault.”
“It wasn’t fucked up, Alec, and it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I was scared, childish, and selfish. Which isn’t even half of it. It was a lot of work to process the shittiness—the situation and in myself. But trust me, there’s lots left to process.”
“What shit have you processed so far? I feel like I moved into a waste treatment plant a year ago.”
I laughed. Alec chuckled. I said, “Being in love with a man for the first time. Beingin lovefor the first time, full stop. Deep stuff about myself, what and who I want to be. What I want my future to look like. It was a lot.”
“Yeah, those were some big ones for me, too.” He chuckled. “More than you know.”
