“I can maybe guess. You left a note.” We laughed.
“Was it that bad when you got home? I almost left the airport three times. I wanted to rip up the letter and have a face-to-face conversation with you. But I told myself if I saw you again, and we made up, it would just delay the unavoidable. And ending things after making a life together would be my marriage all over again. But worse, since my feelings for you are much stronger.”
His feelingsaremuch stronger?
I inhaled. “I came back early, ready to be in a relationship, but you were gone. It was the worst thing I’d ever been through. No one had ever broken my heart before. It sucks, just saying.”
After half a beat and a sad smile, he said, “I’m sorry, Mason. It pains me to know I hurt you, but I know the feeling. When you left, it was the lowest I’d ever been. Not even my wife telling me she needed me to move out so she could fuck other guys hurt as bad. I wallowed and then realized I had to go. It was fated to end in heartbreak. I saw that and figured it would be best to rip the band-aid off and start over.”
“We could’ve worked if I wasn’t such an asshole. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.Youare the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
We let the air go quiet. After too long, Alec said, “Yeah, uh…” he gave me a sad smile. “You were that for me, too.”
“Alec…” We stared at each other. “Why haven’t you slept with anyone else? I know why I haven’t.”
His apprehension was in clear contrast to my stubborn perseverance. “Why’s that?” he asked despite himself.
“Because it’s not over for me…”
Alec stared at me, more of those untold emotions crossing his face in tiny ways only I could see. Epochs passed. He removed his glasses and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. His gaze fell, and then his head. It hung between his shoulders as he shook it. When he looked up, even I couldn’t read him.
“Mason… We can’t.Ican’t. It would… It wouldn’t—”
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
His eyes closed in pain. “This is why I didn’t want to come here.”
“Answer me. You once asked me a similar question, and I told you the truth when I didn’t even know it myself.”
I could’ve been holding his hand to hot iron by how he glared at me. “Yes.”
I knew it. Was there ever any doubt? Even if he looked to be tortured, he still had feelings for me. I suppressed a smile and kicked my glee square in the nuts.
Strangled and restrained, I said. “Then let’s not end it. Spend the night, and we can figure it out in the morning.”
“We… can’t do that. We shouldn’t.” His pain was fleeing, but still clear. “And we won’t.”
“Why not? I miss you, Alec. All of you. I know you miss me, too. You’ve said so.”
“Missing someone and wanting them back are two different things.”
That hurt, and my face matched his. I had felt pathetic before, but hope staved it off. As it died, embarrassment grew. But I was in so deep, it didn’t matter.
“I love you, Alec. More and deeper than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. You still make me dizzy and weak in theknees, and I’ve thought about you every day since wemet.You’re my person. If I don’t have you, I’d rather have no one. That’s okay, it is what it is, but if we don’t leave this bar together, I need to know that I gave it my all. One hundred percent effort, like you always used to say. We were happy when things were fucked up. We could be even happier knowing—choosing—each other.”
“Christ, Mason.” He laughed out of nowhere. “Jesus.” He shook his head at me, his smile fading. “I can’t do that. Let myself feel that again. I’ve not been honest with you. I crumbled to dust when I left—I had nothing and no one. The lowest a man can go and still function. I won’t let it happen ever again.”
“We can try, Alec. We can make it work.”
“We can’t, and we won’t. Because if I let what’s inside out, it will never stop. We’ll go and go and go until we destroy each other.”
“I’d rather be destroyed by you than live without trying.”
“Mason…” he searched my face, “don’t make this harder than it has to be, man. What if we just had sexual chemistry and nothing more? What if we were in a spot in our lives, professionally and personally, that allowed us to be happy, but without it, we just don’t work?”
“You’re right. The future is ambiguous. We could fail, or we could thrive. Isn’t it better to give it a shot? Otherwise, we’ll leave this bar and never speak again unless it’s for work. Is that what you want?”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
