“I have to drop this off at my apartment and get to work.” Blake continued in his maddeningly quiet and sensible voice. “I’m sorry.” He wrenched open the door and fled, slamming it behind him, leaving Jeremy alone.
“Fuck!” He struck out blindly and sent a lamp crashing to the floor. “Goddamn it.” He was clueless, lost. Why did Blake walk out on him? Without stopping to think, he grabbed his phone and texted Blake.
Please come home. Come back and talk to me.
Anxious, he watched the message remain unread. He stared at the screen for what seemed like hours. He texted again.
What did I do? Tell me and I’ll change. Talk to me.
Nothing.
Frustrated and angry, he punched the Speed Dial button for Noah’s number. It rang and rang, finally going to voice mail.Shit.He forgot Noah was on a retreat somewhere. What could Noah do for him anyway? It wasn’t even four thirty in the morning. The fucking pigeons were probably still asleep.
Pacing back and forth, Jeremy ran over everything that happened last night. The massages had been great and, he thought, a nice surprise for Blake, who’d been running on fumes for months. Blake certainly didn’t break up with him over that. Did he misread Blake’s signals about something else? Ignoring the broken lamp on the floor, Jeremy went to take a shower to think and clear his head.
Under the hot spray, Jeremy decided it all came back to one thing. The fact that Blake couldn’t get hard the infrequent times they had sex. He viciously soaped himself up and scrubbed his hair with shampoo.
Thinking back on it, Jeremy couldn’t remember the last time he’d given Blake a blowjob. This must have been going on for all that time, and Blake chose to hide it from him, instead of dealing with it together. Like a couple should. He closed his eyes under the water, feeling utterly alone and defeated. Why didn’t Blake feel they could talk? What else was he hiding?
Once dressed and with two cups of coffee under his belt, Jeremy sat and contemplated his next move. Bothering Blake at his job was out of the question for the simple fact the man would ignore his calls. He’d have to wait. And Jeremy hated waiting. He needed todo something.
His fingers itched to call Noah, but with that option not available, he chose the next best thing. Going to Hard Core for a run and workout was the best way to clear his head for the battle ahead. Not trusting himself to drive, Jeremy took the subway and in less than an hour, he was unlocking the front door.
It was hushed and dark inside, and he paused before flicking on the light switches. This was his baby—the culmination of his dream since graduating college. All he’d wanted and strove so hard for these years was within his grasp. And yet standing in the chilly doorway, with the dove-gray dawn behind him, Jeremy felt curiously empty and uncaring. He’d give it up if it meant Blake would come back.
“Fuck.”
His legs would only carry him to the front desk before he dropped to the chair where Benny usually sat. Pens were organized by color and sticky pads were stacked in neat rainbow towers. Paper clips and rubber bands neatly sorted in their respective mesh boxes. It reminded him of Blake. Precise and orderly, always hanging his suits up at night and making the bed in the morning. Until he allowed himself to let the wildness break free. Jeremy knew Blake had never done that with any man before.
Maybe he scared him off. Maybe he’d come on too strong. His mother always said he jumped without thinking. He’d been known to let his passions override his good sense. But Jeremy knew Blake was perfect—the best thing to ever happen to him. The real deal.
He’d promised himself on the way over he wouldn’t check his texts to see if Blake had read them, but he couldn’t stand it any longer and pulled out his phone. There sat the texts he’d sent to Blake, still unread. Jeremy didn’t know whether to be angry or cry. What he did feel was numb. Like he was outside his body, watching from above while he sat helpless. The workout forgotten, Jeremy stared into the nothingness.
“Jer? What are you doing here?”
“What?”
He jumped and blinked, seeing Benny staring at him owlishly from behind his glasses. Wisps of red hair curled up from his wool beanie, and he held a cup of coffee in one hand and a brown paper bag, which smelled like an everything bagel in the other.
“Ah.” His voice caught, and he cleared his throat. “Um, I couldn’t sleep and thought I’d come in early. Wait.” The illuminated clock on the phone glowed six a.m. “What areyoudoing here? We don’t even open until six thirty.”
Red stained Benny’s cheeks, and he ducked his head. “I…uh…” He took off his glasses, polished them, then put them back on. “I come in early every day to study. It’s quiet here, and I can get my work done.”
Puzzled, Jeremy pulled off his wool hat and unzipped his coat. “Can’t you do that at home?”
Benny’s blue eyes dimmed. “No.”
He waited for Benny to continue, but when he remained silent, Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck and stood. “Here’s your chair. I’m gonna go to my office.” What he’d do there, Jeremy had no idea because his concentration was shit, but he figured if Blake could bury himself in work, he should be able to.
An hour later he sat staring at the computer screen, having not entered a single number on his monthly customer sales report. From the figures he pulled up, he should be satisfied. The gym’s membership had steadily increased over the past five years, and while it made him happy, it was a hollow victory now.
A knock sounded at the door.
“Yeah?” He rubbed his eyes and slumped back in his chair.
The door opened, and Gino’s dark head poked in, a wary look on his normally cheerful face.
“It’s me.”
