Should he laugh or cry? How could he reveal what a failure he was? That once again he’d proved his father right. With a growing sense of dread, Blake knew he had to face the fact that he didn’t deserve a man like Jeremy.
“I don’t…it’s not…” Words failed him, and his earlier decision to tell Jeremy everything now seemed like a bad idea. “Can we not talk about me? Tell me about the juice bar and Carter. I want to hear all the plans. With my crazy schedule, I’m missing out on your life lately.”
Jeremy sat up, and Blake could almost feel the vibrations rolling off him. “I had a long talk with Carter about setting up a juice bar and a grab-and-go type of place at the gym. Not fresh-made, but he has a client who can distribute those fresh, cold-pressed juices to us. Plus maybe even coffee for the early morning crowd. I’d have to see.”
The words spilled out of Jeremy, and Blake’s heart did a funny thump, loving how animated and alive Jeremy became when he talked about the project. “That sounds perfect.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, almost bouncing up and down in his excitement. “And then I happened to be talking to Mikey when Carter was there, and we got an idea to have Mikey do massages in the back room—you know, set it up for him and make it all spa-like and shit—and then start doing some package deals with the juice bar. What do you think?”
What he thought was that he had a boyfriend who was going places and didn’t need a loser tagging along beside him. That patchwork dam of pretend confidence he’d slapped together crumbled, and all the fear and self-loathing he’d held back for years rushed back in to drown him.
“It’s great,” he whispered, knowing what he had to do. It would be easier for Jeremy. With all the new people he’d be meeting in this new business venture, Jeremy would find someone he could be proud of. “You’re going to be a huge success.”
“I hope,” Jeremy said, staring into space, his eyes shining. Blake loved him so much it hurt. “Maybe I can think about expanding, you know? If it all goes well.”
“It will. You’ve got that magic touch.”
A troubled expression settled on Jeremy’s face, wiping away the joy. “But we haven’t talked about you. It’s the job—I know it.”
“It’s not the job,” Blake forced out through stiff, unhappy lips. “It’s…it’s okay there. Nothing’s changed.”
Everything changed because of his stupidity. Blake hated seeing Jeremy unhappy. The man deserved only the best.
“Then what? Is it us? Me? Am I doing something wrong? Coming on too strong? I thought you liked that. Talk to me, babe.”
“No, it’s not you,” Blake cried out, frustrated and helpless. Scared to death of what was happening before his eyes.
“Everything was perfect before they started working you like a dog. Fuck them. It isn’t worth it.”
Blake hadn’t told Jeremy how most nights he lay awake afraid of being fired and left without money, a home. He couldn’t dream of confiding in Michelle, not since she confessed she and Evan were trying IVF to have another child. The last thing he wanted was to heap stress on her and ruin her chances for more children. The only person he’d spoken to about his dissatisfaction was Cassandra, and she kept assuring him,“Hang in there. It has to get better.”But it wasn’t. Nothing was getting better. Lies upon lies.
“I said it’s not the job, dammit.” He lashed out, and Jeremy flinched as if he’d been slapped.
“So if it’s not the job, it’s me—us. Is that what’s going on?”
When had this become his life? He’d finally had everything he wanted: a loving boyfriend and a good job. Then he’d lost the job, and now he was on the verge of losing Jeremy. Maybe he could still salvage the relationship, but how could he explain away the web of lies he’d constructed? Jeremy would never forgive him, and Blake had no one to blame but himself.
“I don’t know. Why don’t we sleep on it?”
Shooting him a dubious look, Jeremy nevertheless rejoined him under the covers. “You think that’s going to solve anything?”
“I don’t know,” Blake answered honestly. “But I really would like you to hold me tonight.”
“That I can get behind.” Jeremy slid his arms around him, and Blake nestled into his chest. “Love you.”
“Love you too.” But for the first time, Blake didn’t know if love was enough.
Chapter Twenty-One
At four a.m.,shell-shocked and reeling, Jeremy stood by his front door. “What the fuck are you talking about? We love each other. What’s wrong?” The questions had begun when Jeremy woke up and found Blake folding the clothes he’d kept in the dresser and putting them in his bag, and Jeremy hadn’t stopped asking Blake for an explanation that made sense.
Fully dressed and with a duffel bag in hand, Blake waited with his hand on the doorknob. Sadness radiated from his eyes. “I haven’t been happy for a while. And I haven’t been able to make you happy.” He bit his lower lip, and Jeremy wanted to kiss him there, take his mouth and kiss him hard and show him how wrong he was. Instead he remained frozen to the floor, shaking and paralyzed.
“That’s not true. I’m happy with you.…I love you and you love me.” Uncaring that he sounded like a lost little boy, Jeremy couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out. It was his childhood all over again. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t measure up. “We love each other.”
“Sometimes that’s not enough. I thought it was, but—”
“But nothing.” His heart pounded and bile rose in his throat. “What happened? Everything was good between us. What changed?” He wanted to grab Blake and hold him tight. Force him to talk and not leave. But in truth, Jeremy was afraid. All he did was wait.
