“Great. Care to go further?”
There was no way he could sit and talk about this, so Adam jumped up and began to pace back and forth in front of the bench. Luckily, dinner was a good one tonight, short ribs, so the guys were in the kitchen and dining area and not hanging around the locker room, bullshitting like usual.
“Well, some of it is that boy. You can imagine how that affected me, and I’m still talking to the department shrink.”
“How’s that going?”
“It’s hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget it, but he said it’s normal. All I know is it’s going to be a long time before I close my eyes and don’t see his face.”
Patrick’s face softened. “I get that. I remember my first suicide. I’d come home and cry every night to Ellie. That’s why we knew we had to help PJ. No matter what it is, or how bad it gets, no one should ever feel that hopeless or think it can’t get better, especially someone so young.”
“Yeah.” Squeezing his eyes shut tight for a moment, Adam struggled to hold on to the present and not sink back to the black past. “And then there’s a guy I’m sort of seeing—”
“Ah.” Patrick slapped his thigh with glee. “I knew it. I told PJ, I bet Adam’s got a boyfriend now, and he should give you some space. Tell me about him and why you felt you needed to keep it all a secret.”
“I’m not sure where we even stand with each other.” Squirming under Patrick’s reproachful gaze, Adam leaned up against the wall of lockers, uncaring of the metal digging into his back. “Because it wasn’t ever supposed to go this far. We got together specifically because neither one of us wanted a relationship.”
“That’s some bullshit there, son. You sleep with someone on a regular basis, it’s bound to happen. Gay, straight, we’re all the same inside, right? At least that’s what you’ve told me. I can’t imagine you finding someone you want to see again and again and not falling for them.”
“I thought it wouldn’t happen. And I know he doesn’t feel the same way.”
Saying nothing for a few moments, Patrick twiddled his thumbs before heaving out a sigh. “You have two choices. You can say to hell with it, cut ties, and go back to living like a hermit, meeting guys whenever.” Patrick frowned, and Adam understood that in his friend’s eyes, that wasn’t the option he should choose. “Or, you can take a shot and go to this guy and tell him how you feel. Maybe he feels the same way and he’s afraid to tell you.”
Rico didn’t project himself as a man who was afraid of anything. Well, maybe farm animals, but that was kind of endearing and cute.
“It’s not as simple as you make it out to be.”
“It’s not as difficult either. The first words, yeah. But after that? It gets easier. I was scared shitless to tell Ellie I loved her, but seeing her smile and her saying it right back to me made it all worthwhile.”
One of the guys, a six-year veteran named Washington, appeared in the doorway, his uniform covered by an apron. “Yo, you two gonna spend all night here or what? Those guys are animals; had to practically beat them off.” As if to prove his point, he waved around the big wooden spoon he held in his hand. “If you want some of those short ribs, get your asses out there now.”
At the sight of the six-foot-three, ex-college football star pretend-glaring at them, spoon in hand, Adam couldn’t help but laugh.
“Okay,Mother, we’re coming.” He waited for Patrick to get up, and together they followed Washington out. Before they entered the chaos of the kitchen, Adam nudged Patrick’s shoulder. “Thanks. I appreciate the advice.”
“You saved my kid’s life. I owe you the world.”
Adam stared after Patrick, who sat down at the table and took a plate. Too bad he could help everyone else except himself.
*
“Can I comein?”
Nerves jangling and heart racing, Adam waited for a surprised and wary Rico to let him inside.
“Uh, yeah. We didn’t have plans tonight, did we?” Rico stepped aside to let him pass. For a crazy moment Adam wondered if Rico had another man in his apartment, and a wave of pain crashed through him. No one appeared to be in the small studio, and Adam stood in the center of the room, recalling almost every place they’d made love—no, wait. Had sex. It wasn’t love for Rico, and the more prepared Adam was to hear that, the better he’d be able to hold himself together and walk away in one piece.
“No. I needed to talk to you.”
Rico’s dark brows shot up, but he said nothing and pointed to the sofa. “Okay. Let’s sit. You want a beer or something to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you have is fine.” He took a seat while Rico went to the refrigerator, returning almost immediately with two cold bottles of beer, the long necks wet and slippery with condensation. “Thanks.”
Taking note that Rico sat in the chair facing him and not next to him on the sofa, Adam guessed he also sensed that strange vibe between them. The promise he’d made to keep away from Rico had seemed much easier when they weren’t sharing the same physical space. Because at least for Adam, the moment he entered Rico’s apartment, memories assailed him: face-planting on Rico’s bed, so bleary-eyed and tired from his shift, he barely had the strength to take off his coat, yet aware of Rico holding him close all night long. Or hanging out, watching baseball on a Sunday afternoon, then holding each other on the sofa with the waning shadows of the evening slanting across their hot, naked bodies.
“So,” Rico said, his eyes focusing everywhere but on Adam. “I guess I’m kinda glad you came over since I wanted to talk too but didn’t know how to say what I needed over the phone.”
Adam’s hopes shot through the roof that Rico would say he wanted more, but from his somber expression that feeling evaporated quickly, replaced by the crawling sensation in the pit of his stomach that the exact opposite was about to happen.
