His stomach clenched at the sound of Ash’s quiet voice. “Esther, I’m sorry, but I need to check on something. I’ll see you later.” He bent down and gave her a kiss. “Enjoy yourself, Drew.” Without ever turning around, he blindly walked away. Sweat dampened his face and neck, and he felt curiously light-headed. As he passed by Wanda, who was busy chatting with the commanding officer of the neighborhood precinct, he stopped and whispered, “I’m gonna step outside. I need a little space.”
She glanced over his shoulder and, with a sad little smile, nodded. “Okay, baby doll.”
He pushed open the glass doors, the night air cool as it hit his face. The rough brick dug into his back as he leaned against the wall, but he enjoyed the discomfort. It made him feel less guilty about the shitty way he’d treated Ash these past months.
Even though he’d been prepared tonight to see him, hearing Ash’s voice again ripped him up inside. He’d yet to fully explain to Jordan what had happened before he’d left home and why he blamed Ash. Jordan would raise his brow in that irritatingly arrogant way he had and shake his head in disappointment. Luke knew Jordan wanted him to make up with Ash, but he couldn’t take that step. Bile rose in Luke’s throat at the thought of talking to Jordan about his past.
God, he wanted to hold Jordan. Right now. They hadn’t been separated since that first incredible night they’d made love. To be able to touch Jordan and hear his breath quicken with desire every night was a gift. Each night they made love brought Luke to the brink of an emotional hurricane, where he forgot everything except how Jordan tasted, smelled, and sounded.
Sex, life, everything was different when you cared about the person you were with. He’d never understood that before. The guys in the office joked about the women they were sleeping with, describing the sex in intimate detail, but once they became serious with them, the talking stopped. Their expressions changed when they spoke of their women then, softer, gentler. More intimate. As if they held a secret.
Never having had a relationship with another man, Luke couldn’t appreciate the sentiment. Until now. Now Luke recognized the details about Jordan that made him so special. The kindness and empathy Jordan displayed when dealing with patients. The curve of his lips when he smiled and greeted Luke with a morning kiss. The cries of passion as Luke thrust into him, first gently, then harder and harder as they made love. Jordan holding him, clasping Luke closer and deeper into his body until it became impossible to tell where Luke began and Jordan ended. All of it overwhelmed Luke with feelings he’d never before believed possible.
Even the arrogant tilt of Jordan’s head and the sardonic lift of his brow fascinated Luke. He needed Jordan’s comforting strength to hold on to tonight, to be able to face down Ash. Even though Jordan wanted him to forge some kind of relationship with Ash, if he chose not to, Luke knew Jordan would remain by his side and defend him.
Several weeks ago, he’d confided in Jordan a little about Ash’s abandonment and what it had done to him. It tore him up inside to relive even that small portion of hurt and devastation, but he’d wanted Jordan to know part of the truth. Together he and Jordan were building a fortress of trust and security, one that would provide a sanctuary from whatever resided out there in the world, ready to attack them at any time.
The sum of all parts that made up this complicated, infuriating, yet mesmerizing man named Jordan was so much more than he could ever have imagined as a lover, as a friend, as… It hit him then, with a clarity he’d never thought he’d have the opportunity to experience.
He was in love with Jordan.
Unwilling to go back inside, Luke paced the sidewalk, knowing a goofy grin was plastered on his face to match his cartoon tie. If he’d had a normal upbringing, Luke supposed falling in love was something he would’ve seen coming like a freight train barreling down on him, full speed. Luke waited for the fear and anxiety to hit him, but it never materialized.
He was in love. And with that knowledge came the realization that he wanted it all, the whole television-family kind of life. Lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed, then getting up to read the papers, eat bagels, and walk the dog. Saturday nights meeting friends for dinner, then going home to make hot and passionate love. Going for ice cream in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter. He wanted the whole fucking fairy tale he never thought he’d get.
Not here though. He couldn’t tell Jordan here. It was Jordan’s night and, in a way, Keith’s as well. But tonight, when they lay together in bed, Luke planned to whisper it in Jordan’s ear as he slid inside Jordan’s tight velvet heat.
“I love you.” He whispered it, to hear how it would sound out loud.
The doors opened, and Wanda came outside. “Luke? Baby doll, you out here still?”
Hopefully the dark hid his flaming cheeks. “Yeah, Wanda, over here.” He stepped under the fuzzy glow of the streetlight so she could see him better. “I was getting some air.” As he came closer to her, he saw the worried expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”
“Did you see Jordan come outside? Some of the people from the shelter wanted to thank him, but we can’t find him.”
“I saw him before I came out here. I haven’t seen anyone walk out of the doors since I’ve been here.” He put his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go back inside. Maybe he went to the restroom.”
They walked back into the center, and Luke quickly scanned the room but didn’t see Jordan’s tall, lean form anywhere. His friends were all standing about in a circle, with Esther in the center, sitting like a queen in her chair. Near the doors that led to the library, he spotted Neil.
“I’m going to go talk to Detective Allen, Keith’s partner.” He smiled down at Wanda, trying to reassure her. “I’m sure everything’s fine. Don’t worry.” He patted her shoulder and threaded his way through the groups of people clustered about the room, until he reached the older man.
“Neil, can we talk a sec?” He jerked his head to the corner of the library, where it was a little quieter. The detective followed him and leaned against a wooden bookcase.
“What’s the matter? You look concerned.”
“When did you last see Jordan?” Luke raked his hand through his hair. “Wanda hasn’t seen him in a while, and he’s not anywhere here.” An uneasy tendril of dread threaded its way around his spine.
Neil’s demeanor switched from relaxed to alert in an instant. “Come with me, and we’ll search.” He led the way out of the library and straight to the back of the large main room. They walked the entire periphery with no sign of Jordan. After looking in each computer room and even the men’s room, they decided to look out back, in the narrow courtyard behind the store, where the deliveries were made. It hadn’t been more than fifteen minutes since he’d spoken with Wanda.
When Luke pushed open the heavy door, he expected to see the alley empty. Flares of light cut through the darkened space, lit by a necklace of halogen lights strung up and nailed against the building. A few plastic garbage pails lay haphazardly strewn along the concrete pavement. Luke’s eyes widened at the sight of a teenage boy, his baggy jeans ripped at the knees, the oversize black hoodie he wore dwarfing his skin-and-bones figure. The boy and Jordan stood in the corner by the chain-link fence, arguing in strident, angry voices.
“Jordan? What—what the hell is going on?” Luke called out, fearful for his lover’s safety.
The kid spun around, eyes spitting fear. “Who the fuck is this, man? You call the cops on me, you motherfucker?”
Neil stepped forward, showing his badge and shield. “Police. Halt. Show me your hands.”
The kid tossed something down on the ground and scaled the iron fence like a spider. The beat of his running footsteps receded into the dark of the night. It took only a few long strides for Neil to reach Jordan’s side. Neil shoved his badge back into his pocket and bent down to pick up the clear plastic bag that lay at Jordan’s feet.
