“Is he the one who compared you to a rundown car? Because if he is, I will find him now and make him apologize.” When his voice started to echo in the room, he lowered it. “Or is this what you think of yourself?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I choose the wrong metaphor? What should I compare myself to then? Other women? Okay. Other women are fertile. I’m not. Other women manage to have babies. Some of them don’t even want children and they still end up having tons of them. I can’t. I’ve seen some womenignoremore of their children than I can ever conceive. And why? Because of some fluke. Because God or the universe or karma, or whatever the hell you want to call it, decided I didn’t deserve the same choices. My fiancé walked out because he thought I wasn’t enough of a woman. Because he thought I was defective. Unable to create life. Broken.” She gestured at her belly. “My line ends with me.”
At the end of her tirade, tears poured down her cheeks.
Alex didn’t think, didn’t wait. He sat up and enfolded her in his arms, and let her cry until she had no more tears.
“That night at Joe’s, you took me out of myself. For a while, I managed to forget everything. I thought I was functioning. Then I saw you again and all those feelings came back, the need to just forget. At Covet, you helped me feel pretty and desirable again. When you touch me, I feel good about myself. It’s why I keep coming back.”
Alex’s throat scratched. He cleared it. “You shouldn’t need me to feel good about yourself. There’s plenty to feel good about.”
“I appreciate that and I know what you’re saying. I really do. I’ve never felt this way before. I know I have a lot going for me and maybe one day, I will get past this. That’s why it hurts me so much to feel so stuck. The only time I can shut out Tommy’s voice is when you’re inside me. I’m sorry. I know I just wanted to use you for sex.”
“Would it be terrible if I told you I didn’t have a problem with that?”
Her laugh was quiet, small, unenthusiastic. “I’m just so tired.”
“I can only imagine.” He kissed her temple, lingering on her soft skin. “And your sister doesn’t know?”
“I didn’t want to upset her.”
“You have to tell her. She goes home tomorrow. Youallgo home tomorrow.” The idea made him want to vomit, even if Dana did live in Vegas. He liked having her under his roof. He wanted to keep her there.
“I know. Before checkout, I’ll talk to her. It was a mistake to keep everything bottled up.”
“Don’t blame yourself. You’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, and on your own.”
“I feel better when I’m with you.”
“I’m glad.”
“But this has to stop, Alex. It’s not fair to you.”
“With all due respect, you don’t get to decide what’s fair to me.”
“We have to nip this in the bud before emotions get involved.” She pulled her chin into her chest, as if retreating.
He touched a finger to her chin and made her look at him. “Too late.”
A year ago, he wasn’t sure he even had any emotions, other than the circling black fog that surrounded him.
Dana had poked a hole in the darkness, whether she knew it or not. She’d let the light in and now he didn’t want to cover it up ever again.
She lay back down on a sigh and he lay with her. As he reached his arm under the covers to hold her, he realized she was stroking her stomach, absentmindedly rubbing.
Other women are fertile. I’m not.
Horrible memories of Shannon’s last hours encroached.
For once, he didn’t fight them.
When he made the decision to leave New York, the Deans had accused him of running from the truth, from justice even.
If only they’d known he was running from memories and shame.
Somehow, they’d followed.
Alex had always been the sort of man who managed his feelings, but there were times when the lack of closure ate into him. Was there something more he could have done to salvage their wreck of a relationship?
