As it lurched into Park, my stomach flipped, twisted, and knotted up all at the same time. It was now or never.
I stepped out of my truck, feeling as unsteady as ever. My knees wobbled and my legs were suddenly made of Jell-O.
“Ryan? Is that you?”
“Hi, Mom,” I croaked.
“What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.”
“Can we talk?” Fear closed my throat. No matter how many deep breaths I took, no matter how many times I rehearsed this in my head, I wasn’t prepared for how difficult this actually was.
“Of course. Let’s get inside. It’s freezing out here. Come on.” She looped her arm through mine to steadyher on the snow-covered driveway.
Dad walked up next to me and clapped me on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you, son,” he said as we walked up the front steps.
In the thirty seconds it took us to climb the three stairs and open the door, I thought back on my entire life. It may very well have been the first moment ever when it was just the three of us together, not yelling at each other.
A hot flash of anxiety rushed through me as we all sat around the dining room table. We’d sat in the exact same seats when they told me about my birth mother. That was the last time I’d ever come here.
“Can I get you some coffee?” Mom offered, even though it was well past the time to drink the stuff.
“No, I’m good. Listen.” I cleared my throat, hoping to make it easier for the words to come out.“I have some things to say and I just… I just need you guys to listen.”
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
“No.”God, I didn’t even know how to start.I rested my elbows on my thighs and dangled my hands between my knees. Gently squeezing them together reminded me of when Quinn would do the same to me, transferring his strength to me in a simple touch. That was enough to open the floodgates.“I guess I’m just nervous that what I have to tell you will undo all we’ve done over the years. I know I’m not always perfect and it’s not easy for me to come home. But talking with you guys as much as I have in the last few months… I… I just… I worry that it’ll all go away once I tell you I’m gay.”
Mom gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.
Dad’s eyes widened; his face paled.
My legs wereso weak I didn’t think I’d be able to get up and run away if they started yelling at me, telling me they disowned me now more than ever.
“For how long,” Mom spoke first. “I mean how long have you known?”
“For fourteen years,” I admitted, twisting my fingers together.
“My God,” Dad grumbled. Bracing myself, I waited for the curses that would follow, or his hatred and rage, but it never came.Instead, he said, “That’s almost half your life. I… I….” whatever he was going to end that sentence with trailed off into the nothingness billowing in the air.
“I should leave.” I pushed away from the table, feeling oddly detached from everything. But before I could even stand up, my father’s hand dropped to my forearm, pushing me down into my seat.
“Don’t you dare,” he threatened, but therewas no malice in his words.
Out of habit, I obeyed and dropped my ass back into the seat.
“What I was trying to say is that you’ve known for more than half your life and we weren’t there for you through any of it. I can’t imagine it was easy, especially considering, well…” I knew what he was talking about and I could see how overrun with emotions his face had become. “I just wish we could havebeen there for you.” The last of his words came out as if he had choked on them, his throat thick with regret. The sad look on his face was a sharp reminder that healing occurred when you weren’t looking. We’d never be the typical father-and-son duo, but for now, this was enough.
“How could you have been? I never told you.”
“Sweetie, I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell us. I know wehaven’t been the best parents, but we love you no matter what.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and the worry that had been freezing my veins started to thaw.
As if he had just figured out the secret of the universe, he muttered, “That’s why you left.”
“Partly.” There was no point in lying and if they weren’t kicking me out for being gay, I might as well tell them the whole story. “After you toldme and Patrick about not being twins, I was numb. I just remember sitting on the bed and feeling absolutely nothing. It took a while for the tears to come, for me to feel angry. But at first it was a nothing like I’d never known. And I needed something to hold onto. So I told myself even though Patrick and I weren’t twins, it didn’t mean we weren’t brothers. I needed to hold onto the idea thatsomehow our relationship meant something to him, despite how horribly he’d treated me. I needed to feel like I belonged.” When I paused to gather my thoughts, I recognized the emotion that had taken up residence on their faces. It was one with which I was very familiar.
Shame.
That look told me more about how they felt than any phone therapy session ever would.
