“I told him I was gay that night.In retrospect,” I reminisced, “it probably wasn’t the best timing.”
The shame on their faces turned to one of annoyance, before quickly morphing into one of anger. “Needless to say, he wasn’t very receptive. He told me you guys would probably hate me, especially since I wasn’t even your real son. It was just all so much. And I already felt like such an outsider. With all that college stuff, andjust being isolated all the time, I panicked and told myself I needed to get away. So I did.”
“We’re so sorry.” Dad’s voice was quiet but uneven as it shook with his feelings.
I took a deep breath and exhaled all the years of pain and anguish I’d suffered. It was time to let it go. Honestly, it had been an unwanted companion for far too long.
“It’s okay. I forgive you.” And they were the truestwords I’d ever spoken. “I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas. I didn’t mean to keep you up.”
“Youare the best Christmas present we could have gotten,” Mom insisted. She stood and dropped a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. Let’s get you set up. It’ll be so nice to have someone else in the house on Christmas morning.”
Dad grumbled a protest. “Am I not good enough?” He joined us, poking Mom in theside and laughing.
“Oh, shut up, you. You know what I mean.” We all laughed the rest of the way up the stairs. To anyone else looking on, they would think it was the ending of a sitcom, wrapping up family drama in a neatly packaged thirty-minute story.
But we all knew the ties that bound us were those of a lifetime of trials and tribulations, truth and lies, pain and love. And by the time wereached the top step, I realized those were the traits of any family. For so long, I had seen them as the things that made me different, made me the exception, the outlier. And now, for the first time ever, I saw my past as the thing that made me feel included, welcomed. It made me feel like I belonged.
Despite feeling at peace with my parents, an unshakeable tremor of nervousness accompaniedme to bed. It lay next to me, feverishly chipping away at my resolve.
While tonight had gone unexpectedly well, tomorrow was the true test of my fate.
My sleep was just as uneasy as my heart. Though I had a feeling deep in my bones that it would all work out, I couldn’t shake this pestering worrythat I’d waited too long. The sun was already slicing through the curtains and I knew I needed to get a move on if I wanted to execute this plan perfectly. As I sat up, I grabbed my phone and saw a missed text.
It was from Patrick.
Change of plans. He went home last night. 99 Chestnut Drive. Good luck.
I punched outThank you,and got dressed. My heart raced and the blood thrummed inmy veins. As I drove to Quinn’s house, I ran through my plan over and over again. And with each mental rehearsal, I felt better and better about what I was about to do.
A blanket of fresh snow had fallen overnight, making it a truly white Christmas. It looked so perfect, so pristine, I almost didn’t want to mess it up with my footsteps.
But in order to make progress, sometimes one had to leavetheir mark on the road they’d traveled. It made my heart happy to know that every single mark I’d made, every step of my journey brought me right back to where I’d always hoped to be.
With Quinn.
My knocking on the door mimicked the feel of my heart racing in my chest. It was six in the morning. I was afraid he wouldn’t hear me, but if I knocked any louder, I would wake up the neighbors. Afterwhat felt like an hour of knocking, I heard mumbled words from the other side of the door. A shadow moved behind the glass cut out in the door, under the sliver of the threshold.
“Who the hell—” He was a perfectly disheveled mess in gray sweatpants hanging low on his defined hips. The hard muscles of his chest called out to me on a molecular level. His hair was unruly and pushed up on the sidehe’d just been asleep on. His eyes landed on mine, shocked, confused, and excited all mixed together.
“Merry Christmas.” It was a lame greeting, but seeing him like this had stolen away all my words. His mouth hung open his breath curled between us. The cold morning air finally hit his skin and he shivered. “You’re freezing. Look at you, you’re shaking.”
“I just wasn’t expecting to see you.That’s all.” He stepped to the side. “Come in.”
After I kicked the snow from my boots, I stepped into his home and immediately felt peace. It wasn’t because of the furnishings or the handmade art decorating the room. It wasn’t because the colors were warm and masculine, homey and inviting. It wasn’t because of the clean lines and the family photos on the mantel.
It was because of Quinn.
Simplybeing in his presence reminded me that home was simply wherehewas.
“Can I get you some—”
Without hesitation, without thinking of the consequences, without wondering whether he wanted it or not, I kissed away the remainder of whatever he was going to ask me. My lips pressed against his and I knew he’d always be the other half of my soul. My fingers dug into his hips, pulling his body closeto mine. I could’ve stayed like that forever, but I knew I’d eventually have to explain my random appearance.
“I’m sorry. I just—”
And just like that, he stole away my words with another kiss that rivaled the heat of the sun. His fingers tangled in my hair as he pulled my mouth impossibly closer to his. When his tongue slid into my mouth, he told me that he’d missed me just as much as I’d missedhim. Heat rushed from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. With my hands roaming all over his naked back, the feel of his flesh under my touch, I was going to lose control all too quickly.
Gripping my shoulders, he pushed away from me half a step. As we both caught our breath, his eyes locked to mine. “I know I should say that if you don’t plan on staying, then I can’t do this. That wecan’t be together, not even just this once. I know I should because it would take me the rest of my life to get over another taste of you.”
