With each minute that ticked by, I kept telling myself I would leave. But remembering how much effort and energy it took me even to get to this point, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was the right thing to do. I didn’t spend months in therapy, working on mindfulness, healing my heart, and developing a plan to get to this point, only to turn around once I got here. Sittingin my parents’ driveway, I played through the memories of my last session with my therapist.
“Ryan,” Dr. Thorne greeted as she opened the door to her office. “It’s good to see you.” She was always smiling and cheery. It took me quite a while to get used to her eternally positive disposition. At first it made me uncomfortable, always on edge, but after a few sessions with her, I got used to it.
And now I looked forward to it.
“Dr. Thorne,” I returned the greeting, extending my hand for her to shake. She escorted me into her office, letting me walk in front of her to the couch.
“So,” she began. Sitting in the chair across from me, she opened her notes and held the folder in her lap. “Last week was quite the session.”
“You can say that again,” I joked through a small chuckle.
“Well?”she pressed, teetering on the edge of the question she wanted me to answer without her actually asking. It was her trick to get me to open up about my significant issues.
“We’ve talked every night since.” I couldn’t hold back my smile as I filled her in on the weeks’ worth of conversations I’d had with my parents. “It reminded me of how we started talking after I left in the first place. God,that was so long ago.” Running my hand through my hair, I got lost in the years that had passed since I first left home. “It feels like a lifetime ago.”
“In a way it kind of is, don’t you think?” Dr. Thorne suggested. “Even though I didn’t know you back then, I can definitely tell you are most certainly not the same person you were twelve years ago.” She paused, perhaps to let the moment sinkin. “In fact, I’d say you’re an entirely different person than you were just twelve weeks ago when you first started coming here.”
Letting the gravity of that statement settle, I thought back through the months since I made the decision to change my life. I was most certainly different, and while the change was welcomed, I still worried if I’d changed too much. Because in my head, the main reasonsof my reluctance to let Quinn into my life was because he’d only be attracted to me so he could fix my problems. If I didn’t have those issues, would he have a reason to love me?
“What’s going on up there?” Dr. Thorne’s words cut through my worst-case scenario.
“What if he doesn’t want me because I’m not broken any more?”
She looked at me and for a second, I couldn’t tell if she thought itwas a ridiculous idea, or if she’d been thinking the same thing all along. “I think you have to ask yourself what you need more. Someone to fix you, a person who will always hold the responsibility of trying to make you happy through their love? Or do you need someone to share in your wholeness, someone to laugh and cry with through the years because they genuinely enjoy being with you, not just tiedto you out of some kind of moral dilemma about fixing you?”
Without a second’s hesitation, I knew my answer. “This. Me. Who I am right now. I have been searching for this person all my life and now that I’m him, now that I’m finally ready to move into my future, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.”
She smiled and said, “Then don’t let the what-ifs cloud your happiness. Go for what you want.You deserve it, Ryan. So go to him, tell him how you feel, and see what happens.” She shrugged, really hitting home on the come-what-may attitude.
We spent most of the rest of the session talking about how I’d expanded my community service with Rory and Beatrice. In fact, Masterson’s was partnering with Homes For Humanity on at least five projects in the next two years. Giving back had becomemy way to heal myself through all that had been taken from me—my childhood, my happiness, my own mother.
With only a few minutes left to the session, Dr. Thorne asked the one question I’d been dreading to answer. “So, do you still plan on telling your parents?”
As I let out the deep breath I was holding, I knew that I was beyond ready. “Yes, definitely.”
“You sound oddly certain about it, consideringhow worried you are about Quinn.”
All week, I’d been thinking the same thing myself, so I was more than proud to answer so quickly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy about how much progress I’ve made with my parents. I know we have a lot more work to do, but we’ve never been this close. So for the first time, I really feel like they’ll support me no matter what.”
“And if they don’t?” shepressed.
“Then that’s on them,” I answered. “And it’s not me blaming them or anything like that. But if that’s what they want to be the deciding factor of whether or not we continue to have a relationship, then that’s their choice. I already spent enough of my life yearning for their approval, so much so that it got in the way of me approving of myself. And now I don’t need it anymore, now thatI approve of myself more than I ever have, their opinion doesn’t matter so much anymore.”
She nodded, letting a wide smile capture her face. “I’m so very proud of you.” Almost as if it was scripted for a book, the timer rang, ending my session just as the last words tumbled out of her mouth.
We both rose from out seats, and as she walked me to the door, she said, “I think telling them in personis extremely brave.”
I shrugged. “They deserve to hear it in person, and honestly, I know I owe it to myself to tell them face-to-face.”
We both wished each other a Merry Christmas before I headed to her secretary to schedule my next appointment. I know she’d never let me get away with not telling her how everything turned out.
And God knows I’d never get through everything blowing up in myface without her help.
Hopefully, I wouldn’t need it.
As I let out a deep breath, letting the pieces of my last session come together in my mind, I reminded myself,this is what you want.
It was getting late. Another look at my watch told me midnight was approaching. “Stay calm, Ryan,” I coached myself. And then, just as I stretched my arms above my head, well, as much as the cabin of my truckwould let me, I caught the glimmer of an approaching headlight. “Game time,” I pumped myself up, hoping my nerves would dissipate when the car pulled up next to mine.
