My laughter cut his words short. “You thought since I was gay, I would be mad you were straight?” Unable to hold it all in, I laughed again, clapping my hand down on his back. “You know, Benny, for a smart kid, you’re pretty stupid sometimes.”
We talked a little more. He told me about Heather and how things didn’t pan out with another girl from earlier in the year. They’dbeen together for about two months now. She played soccer for the girls’ team and they’d met at a party. He was so animated about it all that it was difficult not to smile as I listened to him. There was more information about recruits coming to his games, and I was sure to put his schedule into my phone so I wouldn’t miss a single one of them. I’d also have to remember to dress a little moreprofessionally so he wouldn’t feel under-represented when we met with them. It wasn’t something he told me that bothered him, but he was right to be confused about my new role in his life as older brother slash father figure.
Twenty minutes later, he looked down at his watch and said, “Thanks for listening. This was all a huge help.”
“Anytime, man. Anytime.” We both stood form our chairs andhugged. Not that stupid man hug, half back slap, half chest bump. It was real, arms wrapped tight, a sign of the emotions we’d just shared and of the ones we knew we’d face together in the future.
“All right, I gotta get ready for work. Those groceries aren’t gonna scan themselves.” He laughed at his own stupid comment and left to get changed.
Shaking my head at how quickly he could recover,I walked out to the mailbox to get the newspaper. “Now’s as good a time as any to search for a job,” I said to myself as I opened the door. “Holy shit!” Gasping, I was shocked to see Wes standing on the other side of the door.
Looking as if he’d just seen a ghost, my heart plummeted thinking something happened to Noah. “Where is he? What happened? Is he okay?” My brain raced faster than my mouthcould move to get the words out.
“Hey, hey,” he soothed. Putting his hand on my shoulder to ground me in reality, he regained my attention. “Noah’s perfectly fine. He’s at work.”
Relief settled in my chest at knowing he was safe. Then, just as fast as the idea of Noah being hurt came into my head, another one came to the surface. “Then why are you here?”
“We need to talk,” is all he said, hisvoice calm and even, but there was something there telling me that this was not going to be a normal run-of-the-mill conversation.
“Can I come in?” Wes asked, concern shining in his eyes.
“Uh, I… it’s…,” I stuttered. “My brother is getting ready for work. Maybe we could go somewhere else, or you could wait. I’m assuming—”
“You were there that night,” Benny’s voice rang out from behind me. Turningaround to look at him, it was as if my world was moving in slow motion. “When they died. You were one of the doctors.”
Looking back at Wes, I searched for something in his face that would tell me Benny was wrong, that he was confused, somehow. It couldn’t be true. But the look on Wes’s face confirmed all the words that just fell from Benny’s mouth.
“Can I come in?” Wes asked again, his voicesoft, apologetic.
Careful not to stumble over my feet, I stepped to the side and let him walk past me. Benny followed us to the table and I knew asking him if he was going to work was pointless now. Wes twisted his hands together as he rested his elbows on the table. Staring down at the knots his fingers created, I felt my own gut twisting similarly. “I… uh… I just don’t know where to start.”
“So you were there?” It was a stupid question. His face told me everything which he couldn’t find the words for. But somehow, I felt like if I asked again, it would give him the chance to deny it all.
“I was.” Even though he hadn’t actually killed them, his words hurt just the same. It wasn’t his fault. We weren’t blaming him, but his presence, both then and now, was a reminder of the pain we’dsuffered. “We both were.”
“Noah?” I choked on his name, as if there could possibly be anyone else he’d be talking about.
Seemingly unable to come up with even a simpleyes,Wes nodded, keeping his eyes focused on his fingers once again. The three of us sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity. The silence was only broken when Wes finally decided to look up at us, his eyes shiningwith tears he wasn’t willing to let fall, saying, “I’m so sorry.”
“That’s what you said to me,” Benny spoke up, his voice cracking as he spoke. “You met with me afterward. Do you remember?”
“I do. I wish there was more I could’ve said then and more to say now. But there isn’t. I’m just so sorry for it all.”
“Wait, you met with us? I don’t remember that. Where was I? Did you meet Noah that night?”My last question was pointed at Benny. How could he have remembered Noah from that night and kept it from me?
The same way you’ve kept things from him.
Pushing past that reminder of my character, I refocused my attention back on Benny, hoping he could shed some light on what the hell was going on. “It was when you flipped out. Right after that first doctor came out to talk to us.” The piecesof that night were still foggy. Maybe it was intentional. This way I didn’t have to remember it all; as if forgetting it would make it as if it never happened.
“It was just Benny,” Wes explained. “He said he didn’t know where you went. You just left him there. He was crying.”
The moment came back to me like a blow to the gut I hadn’t seen coming. “The first doctor told us they were gone. Thatthey tried everything they could, but Mom and Dad were already gone. I lost control. Everything went black, and by the time I even knew what I was doing, my hand was dripping blood. I’d punched out the window in a car in the parking lot. When I came back in, Benny was sitting by himself on the bench right where I’d left him. Then we cried. And cried. Even after we went outside and sat on the benchin front of the hospital, it wasn’t until a few hours later that we had enough strength to go home. When the taxi dropped us off at home, it was so scary to think about what was on the other side of that door because I knew it was nothing.”
“I’m sorry,” Wes said again.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” Benny said. With a resolve that had seemingly come out of nowhere, Benny pushed away from thetable. “I’m gonna get to work.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, wanting to make sure he was okay. “I can call your manager if you want.”
