It doesn’t take long to reach a conclusion. I want Maddy and my baby in my life and that’s that. “You’re right, Jack.” I pull my eyes away from the road for a second to look over at him. “Thanks a lot for listening to me and giving me some advice. I really appreciate it.” I nod my head at him. That’s all that’s needed between us now.
“No problem. I’m here for you anytime.” He looks down at Cammie, lovingly, tenderly. “We both are; you just have to let us.” On his last words, Cammie stirs at his side. She straightens from her cuddled slouch and stretches her arms overhead – or at least as far overhead as the cabin will allow her.
She wipes the sleep from her eyes, and when she speaks, her voice is soft and low. “Are we almost home?”
Jack sweeps a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and kisses her cheek. “We’ll be there in about five minutes, baby.” She smiles back at him, and when she rests her head back on his chest, mine aches longingly in an almost phantom pain-like state. I need to feel Maddy’s cheek on my chest again. I need to see her. I need to make this better and not for her, not for me, but for us.For our family.
A few minutes later, we pull into the driveway. Cammie nearly sprints out of the car – small bladders and long car rides are not a good combination. I help Jack unload the bags and hope that he can do one more thing for me.
“Jack, can I ask you one more favor?” I sling a bag over my shoulder.
“Sure, anything.” Jack closes the door and steps around to the front of the truck.
I nervously fidget with the strap. I’ve never had to ask anyone for help; it’s a new thing for me. “Can I borrow your truck for a few days? The Mustang was totaled after Maddy’s accident, and it’ll be weeks before the insurance company cuts me a check and I can find a replacement.” I let the keys jingle in my hand as I toy with them waiting for his answer.
We both start walking to the front door and Jack says, “Of course, man. Where are you going to go?”
“I’m going to make things right.” Jack just nods at my cryptic response and makes his way through the front door.
“Alright, man. Whatever you say. Just promise me one thing?” He cocks a joking eyebrow at me. “Let’s put a lid on all this girly shit. I’m here for you, but next time, we do this over a few beers and a fight.”
He holds out his fisted hand which I bump with mine and say, “Deal.”
The next morning, after some soul searching and a nice hot shower – one that I wish Maddy was in with me – I feel renewed and energized.
Backing Jack’s truck out of the driveway, I crank up the music and head down a road I thought I would never travel ever again.
Slowly but surely, I’m healing. Well, physically at least. Emotionally, I’m still a wreck. I feel numb most of the time. Lost in a fog of pain, I miss Reid more than words can describe. I’m trying to figure out how to make things better, but my heart has been shattered and I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve held the phone in my hand, fingers hovering above the buttons to dial Reid countless times since I pushed him away, but I never gain enough strength or courage to actually dial.
So here I am. Day two without Reid and I still feel lost and defeated.
On the bright side, some of my physical pain has subsided. Lots of rest and Momma’s TLC have been a huge help in my recuperation. Momma went back to work yesterday so Mel and I have had some time to catch up. And, yes, by catch up I mean I finally told her that I’m pregnant.
She reacted as any best friend would – with tears, hugs, disbelief laced with excitement while she tried to figure out how I’m feeling about it. Even though I’m still trying to sort through all of that other stuff, I’ve most definitely decided that I’m happy about this baby. I don’t ever want to feel guilty that I didn’t love my child as much as I possibly could from the moment I knew about him, or her for that matter.
Pushing my despair over my current situation with Reid down into the pit of my belly, I know that I have to get moving on to some fairly important tasks. My checklist for this morning addresses those simple tasks. Call the doctor to make an appointmentandfind a job. I should probably do those in the reverse order. There’s no way I’ll be able to pay for the doctor if I don’t get the job first.
Mel knocks lightly on my door before she enters. I’ve healed enough to be able to make it up to my room finally, and it’s nice to have a little privacy.
“Hey.” She smiles warmly at me as she hands me a cup of tea. Her hair is a mess and she looks adorable in her pink flannel pajama bottoms and oversized Disney princess t-shirt.
She sits next to me on the bed and crawls under the covers with me. When I first moved here, we shared the same room, the same purple atrocity of a bed. It took Momma a few days to get me my own bed and set the guest room up, but even when she did, Mel and I would usually sleep in the same room at night. She’s the sister I never had and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way about me.
She picks up the remote and clicks on an episode of Maury – another “Who’s the Father” episode. Come to think of it, I don’t think there are any other kinds of Maury episodes. These have always been our guilty pleasure, whenever we had the chance to catch them. Suddenly, they have an entirely different meaning.
As if she’s just stepped on a landmine, Mel fumbles to change the channel. “Sorry, Maddy. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s okay, Mel, really.” I roll my eyes at her. “I mean I knowwhothe father is. I may not knowwherehe is, but I knowwhohe is.” I sit up a bit straighter in the bed and take a sip of my tea. I wonder when the morning sickness will start, not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’d be nice to know.
Mel shifts on her side of the bed. Sliding one leg under the other, she faces me. “So, have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Her eyes are full of warmth and genuine concern.
I begin twirling a strand of hair in my fingers, a nervous habit. “Actually, yeah I have. I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot, non-stop actually, and I’ve finally made up my mind about it all.” I let out a pent up breath. I need to feel like I can finally breathe again.
She leans in and reaches out for my hand. “So tell me. What’s your plan?”
“I’m going to come home. I can’t go back to school next month. I have to get a job and start saving. I talked to Momma about it last night and she said I could stay here for as long as I wanted to. I’ll take night classes this semester and then in the fall, after the baby is born, I’ll just have to see how that works out.” I see the dejected look on her face. I know that she was holding out hope that I would go back to Ithaca with her. We practically had to beg the housing department to let us room together. They have this policy that all freshmen are randomly assigned roommates. I feel bad leaving her, but I know she’ll survive.
“Well, that’s not the answer I was hoping for, but it’s the one I expected. I know you’re doing the right thing, Maddy.” She averts her eyes to try and hide her disappointment. When she gains her sense of composure, she looks back at me and asks, “What about Reid though? When are you going to tell him about these plans? Have you even spoken to him since you left the hospital?”
