A shocked look passes across Jack’s face. “Wow! Well, that’s understandable. You freaking out I mean. So what happened? I mean how come you’re coming home with us and not her?” I can tell that he’s genuinely concerned.
Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, I wipe the other over my face and then run it through my hair in frustration. “There’s some other stuff going on with my family back home.”
Jack interrupts me to say, “You mean the family you never talk about?”
I give him the stare now. I’m definitely not in the mood to rehash that. “Yes, them. And no, I’m not going to talk about them now either.” I shake my head in a futile attempt at keeping the pain at bay.
His demeanor changes a bit; he’s pissed that I’m blowing him off. “Reid, I’ve known you for the last three years and I know absolutely nothing about your family.” He sighs and rolls his eyes at me in frustration. “Don’t you think it’s time to open up a little? I’m not getting all girly on you here, but if whatever is going on in your family is screwing up what you have with Maddy, then talk to me about it. Maybe I can help you see things differently.” He kisses Cammie lightly on her head and shrugs his shoulders a little. “Besides, I’ve had a little more experience in the girlfriend department than you have.”
Maybe he’s right. Jack’s a good guy and he’s been my best friend since I left home. If I want to change and deal with my past, I’m going to have to get more comfortable talking about it. I won’t sugar coat it though, so he’s going to get the uncut version.
“My older brother was gay. He never told anyone.” I say the words in such a rushed frenzy as if the quickness with which I say them will somehow temper the truth. “Well, he told me and I promised up and down that I wouldn’t betray his trust, but his girlfriend played me.” I can see Jack trying to process it all and I’m sure the part that he was gay and that he had a girlfriend are confusing him.
I answer his unasked question. “Shane had a girlfriend. It was obviously a cover up. He knew that no one would accept his homosexuality so he hid it. Alex, his girlfriend, made a move on me to get information on Shane. When she found out he was gay, she was intent on getting revenge. She said vindictive and atrocious things about him. The fact that my hometown is close-minded and homophobic helped her cause.” I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted from my chest at finally telling someone all of this.
I pause a minute to pass an eighteen wheeler. I can see that Jack is trying to work through all of this information. Thinking about it, it’s really crazy that I’ve lived with him for the last three years and he’s just learning about this. In this moment, I can feel the truth of Maddy’s words. I’ve spent so long pushing everyone away that I haven’t even had the chance to see how damaging it’s been.
“Reid, I had no idea.” Jack rubs his forehead in confusion and concern. He puffs out a deep breath and asks, “How come you never told me? That’s some heavy shit to be carrying around.” His voice is filled with shock, but not pity. I can take just about every emotion except pity. That’s the main reason I never speak of Shane. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It’s not going to bring my brother back anyway, so don’t pity a situation for what it is.
I’m relieved that Jack knows now. His reaction is much easier to deal with than I thought.
Shaking my head, I huff. “Yeah, I know. I guess I just always thought if I didn’t bring it up, it would just go away.” I pinch the bridge of my nose where a major headache is starting to brew.
“So what happened after Alex found out?” Jack asks as he looks back in my direction.
I shift a little in my seat to face him a bit more. “Everyone else found out. The other college kids bullied him relentlessly. He couldn’t go anywhere in town without being hated. My parents disowned him and basically kicked him out of the house.” I may be relieved that I’ve shared this with Jack, but my voice is laced with venom talking about my parents.
A look of shock passes across his face. “Seriously? That’s real shitty of them. So where did he end up going? Why haven’t we met him?” I wish the version that’s playing out in Jack’s head could be real.
“He killed himself. I was the one who found him.” My words shake and tears threaten to fall, but I will them back.
I let it hang in the air. After a long, heavy, dark silence, Jack kisses the top of Cammie’s head.
His face pales and I can see that he’s struggling with what he should say. His quiet words convey his shock. “I…I don’t know what to say.” He pauses as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “I wish you would have told me all of this sooner. No one should have to carry that around with them.”
“Thanks, man. It means a lot. Honestly though, the only other person I’ve ever told about all of this is Maddy and that was just last month.” I sigh and shake my head – a useless attempt to block the pain. “She makes me want to be a better person; she makes me want to heal.” I offer up a small smile; it’s really all I can muster up right now.
Jack’s brows knit in perplexed confusion. “So then I don’t get it. If she’s behind you with all of this, and you want to move forward from it, then why are you here with us and not home with her?”
I still haven’t figured that out myself, but I try my best to convey to Jack what I do understand about our situation. “Well it turns out that all of those calls I was getting for the last few weeks were about my mom. She’s sick.” I stutter a little and surprise myself at the upwelling of emotion I’m feeling. “She’s dying.” I pause as I let the weight of my own words sink in. “And now she wants to talk to me again, but after she shut out Shane and ignored me for the last five years, I don’t think I have it in me to see her.” I rub my hands over the steering wheel in a nervous gesture. “I don’t care that she’s dying and that’s the problem with Maddy. She thinks that Ican’tlove her, that Idon’tlove her, because I refuse to deal with my past.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes just watching the trees and the cars pass us by. I merge into the right lane, preparing to exit the interstate. We’re only about five minutes from home at this point.
“So, oh wise one,” I quip sarcastically, mainly because I need to lighten the mood, “what should I do?”
“Honestly?” His look is serious. He’s about to dole out some real advice here.
“No, I want you to lie to me, please.” I grin at him. “Yes, honestly, you ass!” We both share a chuckle and the mood lifts slightly.
“Do you love her?” I’m taken back a little by his abrupt question.
Is he serious? I can’t contain the sarcastic huff that passes my lips. “Love her? There isn’t a word for what I feel for her.” I smile at the thought of her, of us together. “Being with her is easy. It’s like breathing, really. Before Maddy, I never wanted a commitment. I never wanted to have feelings or be in love. I was more than happy with a quick fuck and an awkward goodbye the next morning. But I never knew how empty my life was until she became a part of it.”
“Okay, Shakespeare – I get it. So it’s simple. If you love her, and you need her, then you fix this.” His words are simple and final. There is no other option. “This is what I’ve learned over the last three years with this one.” He eyes Cammie who is still peacefully sleeping in his arms. “There are two things that women want from men when things go wrong. They want us to do what they tell us and they want us to actually want to do what they tell us.” He laughs a small chuckle at the ridiculousness of his statement. “I know it sounds manipulative, but the bottom line is that Maddy wants you to do this so that she feels safe and secure with you. You want her in your life, so in order to get what you want, and in order to make Maddy happy, which is also something that you want, you have to talk to your mom.” He pauses before continuing. “Besides, it’s not just about you and Maddy anymore. If you want to hold on to any hope of being a part of your child’s life, then you’ll do this for that baby. Be the parent yours were incapable of being and do the right thing.”
I sit back and contemplate his words for a few minutes before I say anything. I need to digest his words. I don’t want to go home and I know that I shouldn’t have to.
But then there’s the part of me that’s exhausted from keeping my past all bottled up. Maybe going home and telling my parents to go fuck off might give me the closure I need. As angry as I am at Maddy right now for pushing me away, she’s partly right. I’m not healed from my past, hell neither is she. I need to put it behind me and move on with my life, with our life.
