Momma puts it all so simply and I wonder how I was not able to see it so clearly on my own.
I sigh at the foolish way I handled this whole thing. “I pushed him away because he wasn’t excited about the baby. I know that’s not fair, but it’s true.” Burying my face in my hands, as if it will hide my shame, I continue. “But it’s more than that. He’s completely ignoring issues from his past and his family and I can’t be with him if he doesn’t deal with them.” I don’t want to tell her all of his problems. For one thing, they’re his to tell, not mine. More importantly, I have a feeling if I tell her about Reid and his family that she’ll side with him. And I can’t say that she’d be wrong.
Momma doesn’t prompt me for more; she just gives me another glare. “Maddy, I can say this because I’ve always thought of you as my own daughter and it’s because I love you that I’ll say it without any filter, but you’re being an ass, honey.” Momma’s arched eyebrows convey all of the sarcasm that her words don’t.
Did she just call me an ass?
There’s no helping it; I laugh, almost uncontrollably. When I finally come to my senses and regain my composure, I say, “Ok, but you’ll have to explain that one, Momma.”
“You’re pushing him away for doing the same thing that you’re doing. You haven’t made peace with your past either. Reid loves you, and you’re not letting him love you because you’re afraid that he’ll hurt you. You can’t go through life constantly fearing that the good things will be taken away from you like your parents were. You want him to be whole and that’s not fair because I don’t think you are either.” Her knowing stare is all I need to help me realize my mistake.
Damn her mindreading skills!
“But what about all the other stuff? School and doctor’s appointments and a place to live and insurance and a job…there’s just so much to figure out moving forward. I can’t drag him along with me if he doesn’t really want to. I won’t force him to be with me.” I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest as I think of all of these things. Tears start to sting my eyes at the thought of Reid not being by my side to help me figure it all out.
He could be. Reid would still be here if you weren’t so afraid to let him love you the only way he knew how.
She pats my hand comfortingly. “And I agree one thousand percent, but sweetie, you didn’t even give him a chance to follow along on his own. You pushed him out of the way before he could even hold your hand. Do you want to know what I think you should do?” Her face twists a little as she awaits my response.
It’s a trick question because no matter what I say, she’s still going to tell me what she thinks. I don’t answer her, so she just starts talking again.
“I think you should take a nap, clear your head. I’m not saying this will all be easy and that you don’t have some tough choices to make, but only you can make them – only you can decide if you want Reid to be a part of them. Whatever shortcomings you think he has, just remember that he loves you.” She’s not chiding or admonishing. Her words are spoken softly, kindly, with love and concern.
“How can you be so certain, Momma?” I know there shouldn’t be this much uncertainty in my voice, but I can’t help that there is.
“Sweetie, it’s written on his face. He wears his heart on his sleeve.” She gently cups my tear streaked cheek in her hand. “I know he loves you because he looks at you like Jimmy used to look at me. You just have to let him love you the way he knows how. More importantly, you have to learn to love him. You can’t push him away just because you’re afraid.” Her eyes are shining with tears at remembering Jimmy. I can only imagine what mine must look like at this point.
She gets up from the couch and takes my cold soup back into the kitchen. When she comes back into the den, she hands me my favorite blanket and helps me situate myself on the couch. I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to lie down without wincing in pain.
Lifting the blanket up around my chest, Momma leans down and kisses my forehead. “Everything will be ok, Maddy. You just have to let it be. Love can be a very scary thing, but it can also be amazingly beautiful. It’s up to you to make that choice.” She smiles warmly at me and then turns away.
I watch her walk out of the room with such poise and grace. She’s made her choice; she has obviously learned to find her inner strength despite her pain.
Absentmindedly holding my hands tenderly to my tummy, my most sincere hope is that I can do the same.
We’re currently driving along I-80 heading back up to Ithaca. Jack and Cammie are cuddled up next to me on the pickup’s bench seat, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy when I look at them wrapped up in one another. I miss Maddy so fucking much it literally hurts my chest.
Jack knocks his head on the window as I speed over a sewer grate. My head is just not with it today.
“What the fuck, man?” Jack rubs the side of his head and sits up a bit straighter.
I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to stifle a laugh, but I have to let it out. It feels good to laugh for a minute. “Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to.”
Cammie stirs a little at his side, but she’s so exhausted that she doesn’t wake up fully. Jack wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her closer to his chest. She nuzzles into him and resumes her light snoring.
Jack shifts in his seat and faces me. “So how much longer until we’re home?” he asks as he swipes his hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Just under an hour.” It should be a five hour drive, but I have a lead foot and my mind has been anywhere but paying attention to the speed limit, so we’ll actually make it home in about three and a half hours.
After Maddy regained consciousness, Jack and Cammie decided to stay on Long Island with us until we were ready to go home. They didn’t want to leave until Maddy was discharged. I think that after they knew everything was going to be alright with Maddy, they just wanted to spend some time alone. I can’t complain. At least now I have someone to ride home with. If they hadn’t stayed, I’d be on a Greyhound.
Clearing his throat, he catches my attention. “And how much longer until you tell me what happened with Maddy?” Jack arches a knowing eyebrow in my direction.
Jack has always been the observant one. He can tell when there’s something going on and he can tell when he should push the issue. I want to stare him down and let him know that he should drop it, but I’m tired of keeping everything bottled up. An outsider’s opinion might actually be helpful here.
I nudge Cammie on the arm to make sure she’s still asleep. She barely moves, so I sigh lightly and decide to tell Jack everything.
Keeping my voice low, I say, “She’s pregnant. She told me at the hospital and I kind of freaked out.”
