I’m so fucking confused.
I roll my eyes at myself and my insane girl logic. I’m mad at him because he did what I told him to do. He didn’t read my mind, but instead heard my words and followed them.
I really am to blame here.
Momma allows me my silence; she’s not going to push. Sweeping a piece of hair out of my face, she smiles lovingly at me. “You can talk to me, Maddy. What’s wrong? Maybe I can help you.”
Her kind and concerned words are all the opening I need. The words just pour out of my mouth. “Everything’s a mess, Momma and it’s all my fault.” She arches an eyebrow at me and lets a small laugh slip out. “Now, I can hardly believe that it’sallyour fault, but why don’t you let me decide. Come on, Maddy, spill it.” She squeezes my knee in a gentle attempt at comforting me.
I’m going to approach this with the crash and burn theory – just get everything out there and deal with the fallout.
“I’m pregnant.” There. I said it. Momma’s gaze doesn’t waver. She doesn’t yell and scream; she’s not angry. She reaches out and grabs my hand reassuringly.
Momma presses her other hand to her chest as emotion swells and takes over her features. “You mean I’m going to be a Grandma?” There are tears in her eyes and her voice wobbles with happiness.
She’s happy?
“You mean you’re not mad?” Something about having a knocked up, eighteen year old who is not your real daughter, but still lives with you, screamed angry in my head.
“Mad? Are you kidding? How can that even be possible, Maddy? We’re talking about a baby – a teeny, tiny, perfect baby. That’s got to be just about the happiest thing in the world.” Her blue eyes are shining with pure joy as she squeezes my hand.
“But I’ve messed up so much. One semester away at college and I’m a knocked up eighteen year old, without a job, without insurance, without a place of my own to live.” I want to add “without Reid” to that list of disappointments, but I don’t have the strength to delve into that pit of anguish right this second. I wrap my arms around my waist in a pointless attempt at comforting myself. When my palm brushes against my flat belly, I smile faintly in wonderment. The smile fades quickly as that wonder morphs into fear – fear that Reid will never know his child, fear that I will never belong to him again.
“Hey now, calm down. Life isn’t always going to be perfect. You know that. I’m fairly sure that Reid at least has some responsibility here.” She’s giving methe stare. Ok, maybe she’s a little right. It can’t be allmyfault, but now that I’ve broken things off with Reid, it’s all my problem and I don’t even know how to begin tackling it. “Why don’t you tell me the whole thing and even if I can’t help, at least you can get it off of your chest.”
Despite my exhaustion, I decide to take Momma up on her offer. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be able to sleep anyway. Reid’s arms won’t be wrapped around me.
“My pills failed. We forgot to use a back-up for the first month. I thought we were good and obviously we weren’t. When Dr. McNamara ran some routine blood work for me to be discharged, she found out that I am pregnant. There’s not much more to tell.” It really is just an unfortunate mistake, but I refuse to think of my baby as a mistake. I feel guilty and a little ashamed, but I’m actually happy about this baby. I’m not ready to share that just yet.
She snickers at me lightly. “I’m not talking abouthowyou got pregnant. There aren’t many ways for that to happen.” Her lips curl up into a small smile and I can’t help but blush. My mom died when I was ten so I never hadthe talkwith her and then Aunt Maggie never spoke to me about more than crocheting. It’s rather ironic that I’m blushing talking about sex with Momma and I’m already pregnant.
“I mean tell me what happened with Reid?” Her voice is soft but stern. She’s determined to get to the bottom of this.
“It’s complicated, Momma.” I sigh and slump back into the couch. I immediately regret my movements, as I wince in pain.
“Oh, sweetie, love is always complicated. You can’t expect to hand your soul over to someone else without any bumps along the way. Not every relationship survives those dark times, but I’ve seen the way Reid looks at you – the way you look at him – I think you two will work it out.” Her words cut me to the quick. Why couldn’t I be smart enough, confident enough, to realize all of these things about his love for me? All of a sudden she has this faraway look in her eyes; she’s lost in some untold story.
“Is that how it was for you and James?” Momma rarely speaks of her late husband and since Melanie never knew him, she doesn’t bring him up all that often either. For Melanie she’s missing something that was never there, but for Momma she’s missing a piece of her soul and I know it has to be eating her alive.
Part of mine is missing right now too.
Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she gets lost in reminiscing. “Jimmy and I grew up together. We were practically neighbors our entire lives. He was my best friend from as far back as I could remember. Falling in love with him was as simple as taking my next breath. I never loved anyone other than him.” Nostalgia washes over her and she’s smiling at the memories. “But it wasn’t so easy for him.” She laughs a little, recalling his early missteps in their relationship. “He kept me at a distance for a while, even went a few weeks without talking to me. I had no clue what I did to push him away, to make him mad at me. I tried to talk to him, to fix things, but he wouldn’t let me. It nearly killed me, but I gave him his space.
“It took him a few weeks to come to his senses and talk to me again. Needless to say, I was really angry with him – so much so that I considered never talking to him again. Of course I couldn’t push him away. I knew he was it for me. I loved him and in my heart it was just that simple. Any problems that came up along the way were not insurmountable. We could overcome them because we had to. Love had to survive. After we were together for a few months, I asked him what had pushed him away. He told me that he was just afraid of admitting that he was in love with me. We were only seventeen, and it was scaring him that we were so young, but so in love. I think we both knew that if we got together, that we would never break apart. That can be a little overwhelming at such a young age.” A tear trickles down her cheek and I marvel at how she’s not falling to pieces thinking about her lost love.
Momma straightens and looks directly in my eyes before continuing. “Maddy, I would give anything for those few weeks back with him. I wake up every day missing and loving him. I understand that he’s gone, but there’s such a large part of me that wishes I could go back in time and get back those weeks we lost. Love is complicated. But in the end, it’s as easy as you make it. If you love Reid and he loves you, then you just have to figure the rest out. Don’t let anything take your love away from each other because you never know if it’ll keep you apart forever.” My eyes are burning with tears at my utter foolishness in pushing him away. I was so caught up in the chaotic frenzy of finding out I’m pregnant that I didn’t even give Reid a chance to say anything; I didn’t give our love a chance.
I want to believe that Reid and I can survive. In my heart, I now realize how foolish I was just a few hours ago. I know that he loves me and I know that there will never be anyone else for me.
“Did you tell him about the baby?” Her tone is genuinely concerned. I know that no matter how much she loves me, she also has Reid’s best interest at heart – and the baby’s for that matter.
Sighing sadly, I say, “Yes, I did and he was less than thrilled. I guess that’s part of the problem.” It shouldn’t be. I should have been able to cut him some slack, hell even just be kind to him, but I didn’t.
Momma is still gently squeezing my hand. It seems like she’s afraid to break contact with me, like I might stop listening if I can’t feel her as well as hear her. “Oh, honey. Fathers don’t turn into dads until their baby is born, but a mother, now that’s different. A mother is a mommy from the second she finds out she’s having a baby. All men take a little time to come around to the idea. Reid’s young. Hell, so are you. But think of it as a little bump along your journey. You can’t control how he feels. You two will never survive if you are always expecting the other to feel a certain way about things. People have a right to their emotions and what’s important is to be there for those emotions, to let them own their feelings and to be there to support them through their decisions. That’s the kind of stuff they leave out of the movies.”
I never thought of it that way. Hell, I never thought of any of this. I’ve never been happier to have Momma in my life – as my family.
When I first met Melanie, I thought she had some kind of gift for mind reading. Now I’m wondering if it’s genetic.
