I pull my hand out of his and he eyes me warily. I can see his mind racing and, before I have the chance to say anything, his wariness transforms into anger. “Is it that guy? Is he hurting you or something? You seem like you’re hiding something and you’ve changed so much since I last saw you.” He pitches his words low so that no one around us can hear his questions.
I can’t help but laugh at his assumption that Reid is hurting me. “No, Jay. That’s not it at all.That guy, as you call him, is Reid, my boyfriend.” Jay’s eyes widen in surprise, and if I’m not mistaken, hurt.
He doesn’t say anything, though. So I take the opportunity to say as much as I can without him interrupting me. “We met at school and we’ve been together for a few months. Jay, I know you don’t want to hear it, but I love him.” Jay leans back in his seat and stares out the window, avoiding eye contact with me at all costs.
The uncomfortable silence hangs thick in the air as the waitress returns to the table with our bagels. When she walks away, he leans forward again and this time, I reach for his hand. I won’t lie; I’m more than a little hurt when he pulls away from me.
“You love him?” His voice is laced with anger and pain, but it’s quiet and uneven, wavering with emotion.
I try my best to strengthen my resolve. I have always had a soft spot for Jay, but he’s right; I have changed and I’m happy for it. Most of the time when I was with Jay, I put on a happy face and just smiled through the pain. For the first time in my life, I feel alive and happy.
I sit up a bit straighter and look right at him. “I do and I won’t apologize for it.” My words are soft but I’m determined to convey that I’m with Reid, that Jay and I no longer have a chance. “Please understand that I was in a really bad place when we were together. I may have hidden it well, but I was really depressed about my life in general. Add in the stress over leaving for college and I was a real basket case.” I twirl my straw around in my soda in a vain attempt to keep my hands busy. When that no longer works, I start tapping my fork nervously on the table top. When it clangs to the floor, I take a deep breath and finish telling him about my mental and emotional state from when we were together.
“When we were dating, I truly felt like I was undeserving of love, but that wasn’t your fault. My not loving you didn’t have anything to do with how you treated me; it had everything to do with me loving myself.” I know it may not be what he wants to hear, but it’s the truth.
Rather than responding to me, he reaches across the table and grabs a little plastic container of grape jelly. While he’s spreading the jelly on his bagel, he looks lost in thought.
“Jay, please look at me.” He does, but his eyes are glacial. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, but I never meant to.” My eyes are pleading with him, the real him, not this cold hearted boy sitting in front of me, to, if not forgive, at least understand me.
He runs his hand through his neatly styled light blonde hair and his demeanor changes. There’s a shift in the atmosphere and it seems as if he’s made a conscious decision about his attitude.
When he reaches for my hand across the table, I’m a bit surprised, but I let him hold it. “Do you remember what I said to you when we broke up, Maddy?” I nod my head. Those words are seared into my memory. “Well, when I said that I hope you find love and happiness, even if it’s not with me, I meant it. So if you tell me that you’re happy, then I believe you.”
He smiles kindly at me and I can’t help but feel like a weight has been lifted. With a lighter and more relaxed tone, that of a friend rather than a pining lover, he asks, “So, can we catch up on things other than new boyfriends?”
I laugh and smile at him. The conversation takes on a more relaxed tone and it flows easily – just as it always did. I ask him about how he’s been over the last few months. I’m so happy to hear that he’s really enjoying school and that he has found his own little niche. We spend the next forty-five minutes catching up and it feels good to know that we’ve cleared the air.
I decided against telling him about the baby. He doesn’t need to know. I have a feeling it would just crush him even more. Jay will be leaving for school in a few weeks and I really doubt that I’ll see him again. He doesn’t strike me as the type to return to our quiet little town. Whatever his future holds, I’m just glad that we were finally able to put our past to rest.
When I get home from work, I’m surprised to see that Mel is there as well. She’s sitting in the den watching some gossip news. As I enter the room, she smiles cheerfully at me.
Patting the cushion next to her, she says, “Come here. I’ve got good news.” Finally! Maybe now she’ll be out of this funk that she’s been in for the last week.
I lean back against the sofa and prop my legs up on the old, beat up coffee table in front of us. A warm smile spreads across my face as I look at the chipped corner of the table.
I poke Mel playfully on the arm. “Hey, remember when you had to get stitches from this piece of crap table?” I tap my foot lightly on the table’s surface, careful not to bust it in half.
She looks over to the corner that was responsible for her four stitches and rubs her thumb across her scalp where her scar is hidden by her auburn locks. “How could I forget? It hurt like a bitch!”
“I know! I remember you screaming like a baby.” I stick my tongue out at her and she playfully swats at my arm. We share a few laughs at the memory, but when the laughter subsides, I move a little closer to her on the couch.
“Remember how I sat with you in the doctor’s office that day and held your hand while they did the stiches? And we just talked through the pain.” The tone of the conversation has shifted from playful and teasing to heartfelt and sincere.
“Yeah, after a while, I didn’t even feel it and it was over before I knew it.” Her wistful tone echoes a simpler time, but some things about that day will never change.
“Well, I’m still here for you.” I pause before carrying on. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make her retreat from the conversation that we need to have. I twist in my seat to face her. “You don’t seem much like yourself lately, Mel, and I’m worried. You’re going out all the time and I’ve hardly seen you this past week. It’s just really out of the ordinary for you to act this way.”
She harrumphs and slumps into the couch a bit more. “I know. I know.” She folds her arms over her chest and sighs. “It’s Bryan. I feel like a fool about it all. I don’t like getting all pissy over a boy, but, well, I love him. I thought a lot about it today.”
“And?” I draw out the word, prompting her to continue.
“I know he might not be sure about us, but I am, and I’m not going to sit back and let our relationship fade away.” A mischievous grin creeps across her beautiful face and I know she’s up to something.
“What have you got planned, Mel?” I ask, arching an eyebrow in her direction.
She practically bounces up and down on the couch in delight of her little plan. “I just booked my flight! I’m going to surprise him for New Year’s Eve.” Clapping her hands together like an excited five year old, a gigantic smile splits her face.
“Oh, Mel, that’s great. I hope it all works out for you two.” I mean those words more than anything. Mel has always been my biggest cheerleader, supporting me in everything I do. I just hope she can find as much happiness as I have.
